Breaking My Back Just to Know Your Name
by SaturnineSunshine
Summary: One-shot song-fics. "She always felt dirty and delicious and sweet and horrible and wonderful and she needed him exactly like he needed her."
1. Outside

A/N: Okay, I spent a REALLY long time writing this. Orginially it was just supposed to be a simple fanfic but it sort of morphed into this monstrosity. I know that it is WAY too long for a simple one- shot, but I really didn't feel like writing a 10 part multi chapter when I'm already writing a multi chapter. I'm actually really proud of this, so be nice. I'm not saying you have to go out and buy the song that this corresponds to, but it is a really good song that I think is great for Chair. I'm going to write another fan fic, but I promise it will be normal and not like this. I suggest you reading this when you have an afternoon or something. Again, sorry for the length, but I spent a lot of time in this.

Disclaimer: I do not own GG or "Outside" by Staind which is quoted. All rights go to the respective artists.

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Chuck:

Blair:

15 and worried

15 and terrified

about a friend

about a father

who seems to be

who seems to be

turning into

never coming home

something else

with a disorder

with a friendship

that is out of control

that is being tested

and a friendship

and boundaries

that may be turning into something else

that are being tested

_And you  
Bring me to my knees  
Again  
All the times  
That I could beg you please  
In vain_

Chuck roughly pulled his jacket over his suit. He felt to make sure his phone was still in his pocket where he had last deposited it when he called his driver to come pick him up. He ripped the door of his suite open to reveal the absent hallway. It was 2:30 in the morning. Chuck was still awake when he had gotten the call.

He impatiently pressed the down button on the elevator, exhaling heavily. His phone vibrated again. Chuck's heart dropped into his stomach. He whipped the phone out but it wasn't who he thought it was. It was his best friend. Nate texted him asking where he was that day. Chuck didn't have time for this. The elevator doors finally opened and Chuck threw himself behind them. He deleted the text and it was gone from his mind as soon as he pressed the button.

His expensive shoes clacked as he hurried out of the lobby doors. Arthur knew him well. The limo was already waiting. He tried to open the door for him but Chuck didn't have time for this either. He yanked the door open and they were off before he even shut the door. He hastily told him the address of the club.

Chuck gazed moodily out the window. He wished this limo would go faster. He tapped the window with his fingers with erratic impatience. The limo halted to a stop. He bolted from the door not bothering to tell the driver he would be right out. He knew the drill. This wasn't a night for partying, anyway.

The music was blaring and pulsating when he reached the entrance. He knew the bouncers were giving him reproachful looks for his age, but everyone knew who he was. They didn't need to be convinced.

The strobes flashed in Chuck's eyes but he was desensitized to it by now. He half expected her to be dancing on the bar top (which he wouldn't have a problem with) but he couldn't find her anywhere. Damn minions. It was so hard to find obedient ones. They had just abandoned her. At least someone had called him. "Someone" meaning a lot of background noise of partying from her phone. He knew where to go. She had been here for the past week.

That's when he saw her. In the VIP section. Surrounded by about seven guys. Chuck ignored the painful pang of jealousy as he strode towards Blair Waldorf without hesitation. Her head was thrown back in a trill of laughter, drink in hand. She was compressed completely from all sides from men spanning from the ages of 18 to 29. Chuck suddenly got a very painful revelation. Was this what it looked like when he was his throng of women? It didn't matter; Blair wasn't completely hung up on him, obviously. She had her boyfriend and had no interest in womanizing and boozing Chuck Bass, unlike the countless amounts of women that were eyeing him right now. He ignored all of them, continuing to the shrouded couch.

There was a bouncer standing at the entrance. He crossed his thick arms over his burly chest. Please. Chuck was heir to half the Manhattan skyline.

"And who are you," the bouncer asked in a deep voice. Chuck raised his head confidently, smirk on his face.

"I'm Chuck Bass." The laughing stopped instantaneously. He heard a clink of glass on the table as Blair set down her drink.

"Chuck?" Chuck continued to smirk at the bouncer. He moved away, since Chuck was obviously known. He stepped by the curtain, positioning himself directly in front of Blair, the hoard of men, and the table cluttered with drinks.

"_This_ is the boyfriend?" a particularly old looking stockbroker asked skeptically. Blair had obviously divulged a little too much in her inebriation.

"No…." Blair was grinning. She had no idea how awkward this situation was. "This is…" This time she looked confused. Chuck didn't know how to describe himself, either. She could say that he was the boyfriend's best friend, which wasn't exactly a lie. She could say that he was the current default best friend which really wasn't a lie either. In reality, Chuck was the only person who really understood Blair. Right now, that would have to do.

"Right now I'm her salvation," Chuck said smugly, holding out his hand to her. There was a disruptive ripple among the group. Blair didn't seem to notice it. She attempted to dismount the couch to little success.

Chuck leaned across the table and took her hand firmly in his grasp. He pulled her awkwardly across the table as she fell into his arms. He attempted not to take in her intoxicating scent. Even the alcohol that surrounded her like a blanket was sensual to him. He hated himself for this. Just because Nate was pretty much non existent in her life did not give him an excuse to claim her for his own. She wasn't a piece of meat. (Didn't expect him to ever think that about anyone.)

Chuck wrapped his arm around her waist and guided her from the intense looking bouncer and towards the exit. Blair's fingers were entwined in the front of his shirt, as if holding on for dear life.

He looked down at her, caught by surprise at her head turning around. She looked around the club in confusion. Chuck hoped dearly that she hadn't forgotten where she was or who she was with. She usually didn't get this smashed. Not until last week, that is.

"Looking for something in particular?" he asked casually. It would kill him if he knew how he had rushed here and how much he cared for her.

"Where are Kati and Is? They were where a while ago…" she slurred the end of her sentence.

"They left. You didn't notice that you were surrounded by a crowd of potential rapists?" Chuck asked surprised.

"No, I knew," Blair was still looking around. "They just said I would be safe and that they would be right back…" Chuck recoiled slightly. Even stupid Upper East Side girls knew not to leave their friends abandoned in clubs. They were lucky he was available, not that he wouldn't drop whatever conquest he had that night if it came to Blair. No one would ever hear him admit that.

As soon as they hit the cold air of the outdoors, Blair clung to him even tighter, shivering. Chuck surrounded her in his arms, trying to warm her scantily clad arms. He reached the limo and pulled the door open for her. She jus stared at him expectantly. Chuck rolled his eyes. She still could have had the window seat on the other side, she just liked this side. Blair would be Blair even when she was drunk.

He slid into the middle, fearing every second that she didn't enter. She slowly sat beside him. He leaned over her slender body to close the door. She was too absentminded to do it herself.

Blair was still shivering. Chuck didn't want to make any sudden movements. She seemed like a mirage, just sitting beautifully there. She took care of that. She quickly leaned into him, trying to warm her body. Blair would never be this real if she were sober. That's what Chuck missed about Real Blair: Perfect Blair never showed anything inside. She only truly showed herself in situations like these.

Blair never spent the night at her own house when it came to nights like these. Her mother wasn't even home and Chuck knew why she was running herself ragged like this. No one was there. She was so alone. She had Dorota, but Dorota was paid. That didn't count.

Chuck tucked Blair's head underneath his chin, just listening to her breathing. She was so calm and peaceful when they were like this. Chuck knew it was the calm before the storm. Tomorrow she would be just as irrational and just as bitchy as she always was. It was the unpredictability that he valued most about her. Tomorrow she would pretend this incident had never happened, even though it was bound to again.

It may seem strange to an onlooker that Blair was spending the night in her boyfriend's best friend's suite, but that was the only way Chuck could make sure that she was safe. He sure as hell couldn't count on her "friends." Especially the ones who run off to boarding school who have to regard for others' frame of mind.

Chuck sat on his sofa, scotch in hand, listening to Blair retch in his bathroom. She would be much more coherent when she exited. Then he could actually talk about what she was doing to herself, what she was doing to him.

He hated the chills he got when she retreated from the bathroom. She looked like she did any other time she was fraternizing with the bathroom. He knew it was just the alcohol, but every time she came out like that, he would always think the worse, for the rest of the time he knew her.

Blair positioned herself right next to Chuck, avoiding his gaze. They wouldn't be sleeping until the sunlight hours, but that was okay, considering it was Saturday. It was 5 in the morning, hours after they had retreated from the bar. She was sober enough that she could listen to what he had to say.

Blair was embarrassed. She always was when Chuck had to come and rescue her like this. At first her excuse was she didn't want Chuck to have to drop everything (or everyone) he was doing to come and get her. He never realized before the effect she had over him. He hadn't realized that he would drop his own stash down the drain if he were to go and save her. He couldn't let her know that.

But now these late nights were routine, but it didn't mean that she liked them. It also didn't mean that she would stop. She was just in a really bad place right now. Father abandonment issues and everything. Chuck could relate.

"You know this has to stop," Chuck said bluntly. Blair didn't respond.

"We've talked about this," she said finally. "I really appreciate you being here for me, but I have to take care of this myself." Chuck wanted to grab her and tell that she wasn't just hurting herself when she was doing this. He didn't. He never did. He always remained impassive.

Nate knew too. It was real messed up how he valued his own self pity above Blair's failing world. She would never tell anyone that it was Chuck who understood her, who could relate to her like no one else could. It didn't matter.

"Don't pretend like its you alone in this, Waldorf," Chuck made her make eye contact with him. "Just because dear Nathaniel's problems pale in comparison to your troubles doesn't mean there aren't those who understand you." Blair's eyes brimmed. She blinked them back so fast Chuck fooled himself into thinking they weren't there even though logic told them they were. She just lifted her chin in defiance. That was all that was going to be said about it that night.

Blair:

Chuck:

16 and finally breaking

16 and finally earning

free of a prison of propriety

his father's approval

with escalating feelings

with escalating feelings

for a friend in need

for a supportive friend

without a boyfriend's

without another friend's

betrayal at heart

betrayal at heart_  
_

_All the times  
That I felt insecure  
For you  
And I leave  
My burdens at the door_

It was the night that changed her life. It was the night that set her free. He set her free and she hadn't even realized it. He knew her like no one else could and she was too blind to see it. Her invisible prison of fake perfection and sugary smiles laced with venom had blinded her to a world of life. What she thought was love was a crush. Love was waiting in the audience for her, watching her headband fly from the stage.

Love takes a swig of her drink. Love stands up to get a closer look. Love takes her to his limo to give her an innocent ride home. Love's intentions were innocent, but no one can cage a tiger. Love asks her if she's sure. She is sure, the most positive she has been in her whole life.

Love is a womanizing underage boozer. Love goes by the name of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf doesn't even realize it until her bare skin whispers across the leather of the backseat. It may not seem "special", to an onlooker as she wanted, but he makes her feel as though it is. He treats her with care and almost a worship that she hasn't experienced before, even when she thought she was truly in love. She now knows what love it, even if she denies it wholeheartedly.

Chuck looked down at her from his position. It was over and sufficiently awkward now, to say the least. Blair shifted uncomfortably underneath him. She expected him to throw himself off of her and tell her to get out. She wasn't sure how long the limo had been stopped. She was sure it wasn't very long. He was still looking at her like he did when they were still… enthralled with each other. He was looking at her like she was precious, a treasure that he had never seen before.

Blair had never seen this look before, even from people who claimed they loved her. She was scared. Blair was the most scared she had ever been in her entire life. She braced her hands on Chuck's bare chest. He took the hint, but didn't look offended. That made her relax from her strained stance. She wished he would just kick her out already. This was very unwonted from him, or what she had heard from girls that had just had the same experience she had.

Blair absentmindedly wondered/ hoped that Chuck had the back seats sanitized. It was entirely probable that she wasn't the first girl to grace the backseat of his limo in this fashion. She was sure she wouldn't be the last.

She pulled her flimsy slip down across her thighs. He was watching her intently. This scared her even more. He wasn't checking her out, which she thought would desist now that he had her. He was just watching her as if he was entranced by something she could not see. He was still looking at her as though he treasured her. It was majorly weirding her out.

Blair slid her heels back on with her hand resting on the handle. She spared Chuck one backward glance. He was not looking away. She would rather die than clue him into what was really going on inside her head. Blair wasn't sure how long they lay in the grips of each other's eyes; hers wide, deep, and dark; his slanting, exotic, and dark. A smirk flickered quickly across his lips.

Blair took that as is egotism telling her to leave. She obliged. She didn't see the reluctance that graced his features as she slid out of the sleek dark vehicle. She slammed the door with unnecessary force. She expected it to speed away immediately.

Chuck was majorly creepy. She used to think that she could read him, looking down on those girls crying, wondering why he had never called. It was obvious. Chuck really wasn't that guy who called. He was the playboy of the Upper East Side. What else did they expect?

However, Chuck's mode of transportation stayed stationary. Blair walked briskly to the entrance of her penthouse. She furtively tried to sneak a glance towards the street. She could almost feel the heat of Chuck's smirk. She knew he saw her look back, wondering if he had ditched yet. He hadn't.

Blair retreated quickly through the door when she eventually heard the limo make its departure. She let go of the breath she hadn't known she was holding in. The security gave her a reproachful look. That was when she realized all she was wearing was the slip that was under her hideous dress. The dress was probably still on the stage at _Victrola_. She had been so caught up in the audience, Chuck's gaze, the dancers around her, Chuck looking at her, the alcohol, Chuck not looking away, the adrenaline, and still Chuck. He was waiting at the base of the stairs with that damn smirk of his plastered across his face. Damn him.

He would probably say something along the lines of he didn't blame her because he was so irresistible. Please. Blair Waldorf does not have impulses. She plans everything. But _that_ was definitely _not_ planned.

Blair attempted to make herself more modest by pulling her skirt farther down her thighs to no avail. It didn't matter. Her mother practically owned the building. No way was that guy going to make a big deal about the daughter of their employer.

She pressed her finger the up button on the elevator hastily. It was when she was in the safe confines of the elevator did she notice it. Chuck's natural musk was layered on her like clothing. She couldn't get it off. She hoped wildly that her mother wouldn't notice the unmistakable scent of the flesh of a man all over her. And it definitely wasn't Nate's. Nate smelled like detergent and clean clothing. Chuck smelled…. entirely different. She couldn't explain it. She didn't even know if he used cologne. It was something so unique that she didn't even know what to compare it to. It was… damn, it was irresistible.

She did _not_ like that. She did not like that she found Chuck Bass in all ways irresistible. That was a bad sign, indeed.

Wasn't it enough that he had every woman spanning from the ages of 13 to 48 fawning after him? Why did he have to ensnare Blair as well? She shuddered at the problems this would cause.

She shivered involuntarily as she stepped out of the elevator into the full view of her mother. Eleanor wouldn't have noticed on any other day. However, this was the day that she thought her daughter was getting engaged to Howard and Anne Archibald's perfect son Nathaniel. This was the night that she thought her daughter's future had been set. Her company was perfect. That was until her daughter walked in past midnight, nothing clothing her but a slip, black fishnet stockings, and sensual heels that she protested her wearing in the first place.

Blair walked through the door in not only this, but a weird expression on her face. She looked relaxed and completely at peace, and even happy, but somehow confused as well. Her hair was a mess. She shivered.

"Well no wonder you're shivering Blair, what are you _wearing_?" Eleanor exclaimed. Blair looked up in surprise as her mother interrupted her thoughts on Chuck. She was sure her mother wouldn't even realize that she was missing, or that she had come home at all.

She felt her cold mask cover her face. Was Eleanor really going to try and put her so called mothering skills to use now?

"I think it's that lack of what I'm wearing that you should be worried about, Mother," the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. She had a problem with being snide to her mother when it was in no position to make the situation better. Maybe that's why her mother opted to spend more time in Paris. But Paris did seem like a more pleasant alternative than mothering your teenage (apparently tonight, rebellious) daughter.

Eleanor was never surprised by what came out of Blair's mouth anymore, however. She was more in the "criticizing her daughter nonstop" stage of her life.

"First your reluctance to try on the Vanderbilt ring and then jetting off to God knows where in a limo and now this. What has gotten into you Blair?" Blair refrained strongly from saying, _why Mother, its Chuck who's gotten into me_.

It would have been an appropriate response of it was Chuck himself who sat across from her now instead of her mother. Chuck would have applauded her once again on her talented wit. However, her mother would not have approved. Not only a sexual comeback, but if it were Chuck Bass she were referring to, her mother would surely have an aneurysm.

Blair had never confirmed it, but she was pretty sure she knew what her mother thought of the Basses. Bart Bass was new money. He was always in company with a hoard of models half his age. Chuck was a womanizing boozer who couldn't control his hormones. But Blair couldn't be positive. And Blair couldn't very well admit that he had just deflowered her.

She couldn't admit to her mother how Nate was just _boring_. He was polite, sweet, and didn't get her at all. He was nowhere near smart enough to even begin to understand her intellect. He looked down on her when she ripped girls to emotional shreds and could never keep up with her wit.

Chuck was something else all together. He made her heart race. He made her adrenaline pump. He made her hair stand on end. He made her skin moan. She believed that was called chemistry or something. Blair wouldn't know. She had never had it until now.

"Nothing, Mother," Blair responded instead. "It's just been a rough night." Blair was not about to embellish on what type of rough she was referring to. Eleanor just sighed, emitting criticism.

Blair mounted the stairs to her room, entering and throwing herself onto her bed. This is where the laughing commenced. She had never felt this way in her life. She felt exhilarated. Was this what it was like after every time? Blair could forgive Chuck for seeking it out so desperately. It was a high. But she also knew the real reason. Sex was a way that Chuck coped for his home life. Bart never gave him the time of day. Chuck needed human contact. That was where he got it. Well she was happy to oblige, after tonight, anyway.

Blair was quite aware tomorrow would be a different story. Tomorrow she would want to get back together with Nate. Tomorrow was her birthday party, which was a strange connection, losing her virginity two days before she turned 17.

Nate was predictable and safe. Chuck was dangerous. She couldn't let herself think about Chuck that way. He broke hearts as much as he breathed. It was inevitable. She wouldn't let herself fall into the trap… tomorrow.

Tonight she would think as she would like. She would think of how he had turned her world upside-down with only two words. She would think of how they seemed to be connected, which was inevitable to feel with your first. But she felt like this was something different.

Chuck was there when no one else was. He healed her in ways that no one would ever know, she would never admit it, and no one would understand. She felt like she had to be perfect in the presence of Nate. That's how it was. He was the perfect boyfriend so she had to be perfect. It was her image. Perfection.

Chuck treated Blair like no one else did. He didn't treat her as endowed royalty. He actually respected her. He understood that they were both smart manipulative people. He embraced her for things that Nate would shun, she knew it. Blair was surprised Chuck hadn't used something like that to his advantage yet, just to watch the world bleed. She had to admit, there was something strangely stimulating about just watching destruction. Chuck embraced everything about her. She didn't feel the need to be insecure around him, to cover her faults. She knew they were friends for the very reasons that everyone else hated her. Those were reasons she had to hide. And that was the reason that she was only real with Chuck. Chuck respected her for that.

Suddenly Blair's perspective was changing. Chuck was different than everyone else. There was something enigmatic about him. She was sure that the other girls who lusted after him didn't see the things that she saw. They saw his money, his looks, and his suavity. Blair saw his entire soul. She came to a revelation. Chuck was worth it. He was worth this life. He was worth listening to her mother's criticisms, her father's flightiness, the condition that plagued Blair's health, and the jealousy she felt every time she was with Serena.

Blair laid across her bed in the darkness. She pressed her face into the pillow, breathing in deeply. She could still smell his scent tattooed all across her flesh. She didn't want to get rid of it. Blair fell deeper and deeper into sleep, feeling his essence surrounding her entirely.

In the morning, she would forget her revelation. In the morning, she would want Nate back; realize that they made a mistake. In the morning, she would want to forget that this night had ever happened. But for right now, everything was perfect.

Chuck:

Blair:

Still 16 and fearing

barely 17 and fearing

for what his best friend

for what others might think

might find out

if they found out

and finally sees

about something that shouldn't be told

the truth of what he wants

but something she longs for more

more than anything else

than anything else

and what emotions are_  
_

_But I'm on the outside  
I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside your ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you_

Chuck Bass knew what lay behind closed doors. He knew when Blair walked unsteadily with a flushed face and smudged eye make up what was really going on. But they didn't talk about it. They made a silent promise a long time ago. He would just give her a knowing glace. She would feel guilty, but could not heed.

He was the only one who cared. He was the only one who knew and actually understood. He understood that no matter how much he wanted to take away the pain that drove her and could take away her insecurities with one look, he couldn't make her stop. When her mind was on something, there was nothing that could sway it.

You know what she is feeling because you accidentally walked in on it when she was 15. A certain best friend was gone and a certain father had followed his heart, no matter how much it destroyed his daughter.

_Maybe you shouldn't be eating that._

You know stalking is frowned upon, but technically you're not stalking when everyone's standing still. She would want you here. She would want you to be here for her. So even though you accidentally you walked in on a private conversation, you know she will appreciate it, even if she spits biting words back in your face.

She looks back up at her mother when she puts back the cookie that the maid had just baked for her. She looks ashamed. You want to reproach her mother for putting down such a gorgeous creature but you're not really supposed to be here.

You're pretty sure her mother doesn't like you that much, anyway. She would much rather Mr. Perfect Boyfriend to be here instead of you. But at the moment, you're best friend is lamenting the loss of a girl that is not his girlfriend. You want to reproach him too, but you have your allegiances.

But you have care for a girl you shouldn't as well. She needs your loyalty more than your distant best friend does at the moment, anyway.

_Yes, mother._

You hate how her mother makes her secede so easily. You miss her strength. It also breaks your heart to watch her so broken, herself. You want to hold her, but you don't. You don't want to hold her, but you do. She brings things out in you that you thought never existed.

_You really should take some advice from Serena. She cares about her figure. You would never see her gorging herself on food._

That was too far. You would have gone right in there if you didn't care so much for something that is so fragile to begin with. You know you cannot comfort her right there. You know you'll follow her to her room. You don't know what will happen after, however. She is so unpredictable, especially when she's in a broken state.

_Yes, mother._

Your heart is full with holes. You know that the tidal wave is coming. You cannot stop it, like so many other times. All you can do is pick her pieces from the cold tiled bathroom floor and put her back together. She will let you. She won't let anyone else.

_You are sticking to that diet I put you on, right?_

You mean the one that subjects her self esteem to extreme lows?

_Yes, mother._

Sometimes she doesn't accept you, though. She snaps at you. You understand like no one else would. It's a defense mechanism. She doesn't want you to have the chance to hurt her more than she has already. She doesn't know that you would give anything to her; she would just have to ask.

You will hold her when she cries; comfort her when she needs it. But you both can't guess what's coming next. You could never predict how you will save each other.

_Now, why don't you get on the treadmill?_

_Yes, mother._

_***_

Chuck watched Blair dictate to her minions. Nate stands idly by, watching. Chuck doesn't like it. He knows that Nate doesn't want her back, not really. Chuck also doesn't like burning feeling of jealousy that contradicts the butterflies. It makes him angry.

Nate can never have her again, not really. Nate doesn't know what went on between Blair and her mother the day before. Nate's parents love him even if they do show it in a really twisted way. They want the best for him. Nate doesn't know what its like to have parents that neglect you.

They work because they can't be bothered with you. Nate doesn't know that kind of rejection. Nate doesn't know what its like to have your parents want to change your every way, to suit their needs. Whether it be the appearance of perfection or the embarrassment of having a playboy for a son, Nate can never know that kind of betrayal. Nate can never know the betrayal of your own flesh and blood.

Chuck reveled in his own betrayal as Nate took several strides towards Blair. She caught sight of him and a change occurred in her. It was a change that could not be seen by the naked eye. Her eyes shifted. Chuck felt better then. He knew she was not going to accept him back. But she didn't know what he was going to say yet. So edgily, Chuck waited.

He had no right to feel betrayed by Nate, when it was he who took his best friends ex's virginity. Nate was just taking back what he thought was his. Little did he know it had been claimed by someone else.

Chuck knew stalking was frowned upon. But technically, you can't be stalking if you're standing still. He could hear every word of the conversation. He took in every stiff movement that Blair made. He smiled at every uncomfortable smile as she tried to fake pleasantry. Chuck just watched. And waited.

"Hey."

Wow. Real intelligent opening. Blair raised her eyebrows expectantly. She was thinking the same thing.

"Hi," her voice demanded more from him. Chuck smirked. He shouldn't have. Nate's back was to him and Blair was facing him. She hadn't known that, however, until he smirked,

Now he froze. She could very well just rebuff him by falling back into the arms of Perfection. That's when she surprised him.

"Well sorry to interrupt this intelligent conversation, but I've got stuff to do," Blair finally said after Nate's silence. She was right. That man could not hold an intelligent conversation. She was about to brush past him when she grabbed her arm.

"Blair, wait."

"What for?" she quickly demanded. Nate sighed. He actually thought he was being noble. Tool. Chuck really shouldn't be thinking these things about his best friend, but if there was something Nate was not good at, it was confrontation.

"Please, don't be mad," Nate begged. That's when Blair got confused. She wasn't mad; she just didn't want to talk to him. It's sort of difficult to speak truthfully to your ex when you just banged their best friend. Blair wanted out.

"I know I should have at least called on your birthday, but I think this is the best thing for us."

"If you think it's the best thing," Blair said fake sweetly. Nate smiled at her. He was none the wiser. He actually thought that Blair was being civil. Little did he know what was brewing beneath.

"Now if you'll excuse me," Blair said, brushing past his shoulder. "I actually do have somewhere to go."

"You've got plans with Serena?" It was an innocent enough question, but Nate really didn't have a clue to what was going on. Chuck could see Blair biting back her tongue on an acid response. Something like, "I _do_ know other people." Chuck could vouch for that.

Blair just turned around and smiled her fake smile again. "_Yeah_." Liar. But instead she headed right for Chuck. Nate was still staring after her, but it didn't really matter. He understood that she and Chuck were still friends, no matter what drama was going on between her and Nate.

She pulled on Chuck's arm and dragged him out of sight to the other sight of the brick wall.

"Well I knew you wanted me again, but here? I thought you wanted to keep this a secret." Blair sneered at his comment. Unlike everyone else, he didn't shrink away. Blair didn't frighten him, she excited him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Bass?" she demanded.

"Spying on you and Nathaniel, of course," Chuck blatantly replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Obviously," Blair spat. "_Why_?"

"Don't you find it strange you Nate brings up Serena every chance he gets?" Chuck diverted the conversation. Blair scoffed and turned away from him, leaning on the wall next to him.

"Don't try to manipulate me, I know you too well."

"That you do," Chuck didn't disagree. He cherished the fact that he and Blair knew each other better than anyone. Blair cast him a sparing look. Then something occurred to him. He smirked. Blair caught it.

"What?" she asked harshly.

"Why do you do that?" Chuck questioned. Her eye brows went up in confusion.

"Why do you treat everyone else with such fakeness and you're only real with me?" he clarified.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Blair didn't look at him as she spoke. She was avoiding it.

"Face it, Waldorf. I know you better than anyone."

"Please." Blair actually did spare him a look of disdain.

"I love it when you beg me," Chuck leaned in and whispered to her. Blair groaned in disgust and pushed him away. However, her hands didn't leave his chest. This didn't go unnoticed.

"Really," Chuck said seriously. "You think all those people really know you? Even your so called best friend doesn't really know what lies beneath the surface. You're sugary and sweet to everyone but you don't bother putting up the façade with me. You don't have to because I accept you for who you are. You are a spiteful bitch. We're the same."

"Well thanks for the inspiring pep talk," Blair said sarcastically… or at least she tried to. Their conversation was a private one and both of them suddenly noticed that they were leaning in towards each other in hushed voices. Blair's hands were still connected to Chuck's chest.

"You think I don't know you better than anyone?" Chuck rhetorically questioned. Blair's wide eyes stayed focused on his. "You think I can't read you? Everyone sees the cold hard bitch. Only I see the fiery passion beneath," Chuck said softly. He realized he was using his seduction voice. It didn't really matter. Blair was Blair. When it came down to it, he wanted her. He wanted her more than anyone else and he wanted her to want him too.

"Why?" she asked softly this time.

"Because it's right," he answered immediately. He couldn't let her go.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked instead. Chuck didn't realize the turn this conversation was taking. "I'm pathetic and disgusting. Am I just another conquest to you? Another game?" This struck Chuck to his core. How could she think such loathing thoughts about herself? She was the most beautiful creature that ever walked the earth. He would not let her think she was worth anything less.

"Your mother doesn't know what she's talking about," Chuck answered Blair's unanswered question. She had known he had been standing there that day. When he found her in her bathroom 15 minutes later, no words were said. He just held her.

"What's wrong with me?" She was not letting this go. What did he have to do to convince her she was worth everything?

"You're perfect," Chuck insisted. Blair looked down at her hands that still lay atop Chuck's chest. He slid his own hands up to meet them and took them in his. Blair's eyes questioned him. This wasn't the sort of touching they were used to.

"Thank you," she said instead. Chuck leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead. That's when everything changed for them. They were hiding but there were no more confusions about what they were. They were together, whatever that meant.

Chuck:

Blair:

finally 17

17 and finally

peaking at his

on top again

womanizing ways

except she's still

except there's

missing the man she never

only one woman

should have had

ironic, how he figures

ironic, how she figures

this when destroying

this when destroying

another, in the bed

his first in her bed

of the woman

with the man

who hates him

who is disgusted by her_  
_

_All the times  
That I felt like this won't end  
It's for you_

It was the night the war had officially begun. He gives you his signature smirk. How you hate that he can turn your insides to mush. You know he mocks you. He hates you. He made that clear after he systematically destroyed your reputation. Well, you're on top now and even he can't take that away from you again.

So it comes as a surprise to you when you find that he's in your room. You remember the ride there, but you don't understand how he manipulated his way into your bedroom. You are the queen, so how could you have let this happen? How could _he_ have manipulated _you_?

He knows he has power over you. He exploits it. You know that he does this for his own sick enjoyment, because how could he ever care about you when it's all just a game to him? Well you can play too. He thinks he's getting the upper hand tonight, he's dead wrong.

You know that he's the best… the best besides you, of course. It makes sense that you would take down the bitch that is ruining your best friend's life. He can do it. But anything he can do you can do better. It's the mantra you repeat to yourself every time he comes up with something. You are winning this. Sometimes it doesn't feel as though you are bringing down a partier, but more competing against each other. It's a power struggle.

You hate yourself for how you let him worm his way back into your life. He takes off his jacket and his shoes in your room. You want to smile to yourself. He's wearing the red socks he wore the night of your 17th birthday party.

You hate yourself again. Why do you notice such trivial things about him? It's sickening. You promised yourself after a certain golden boy ruined all your hopes on romanticism that no man would control you like that again. But that golden boy wasn't a man, not worth your time. You wonder fleetingly if the Devil in front of you is. You shut down that thought immediately.

He's here because you're using his talents. Then you're done with him for good. It doesn't matter that you are both in your bedroom, him half disrobed. You're using him and that's it.

So what is the weird sensation you feel when you realize he's bringing down the one that stole his virginity? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that he was the one who didn't steal your virginity, but asked if he could possess it. He still does. You try not to admit it, but he has something of yours that he can never give back.

He has a part of you that no one else can touch. He defiled you. He stole your innocence. So why do you miss him so much? Maybe it's the fact that you're embarrassed. You're embarrassed at the fact that you wanted him to touch you. You wanted him to defile you. You wanted him to possess your innocence so he could never give it back.

He couldn't take the innocence that both of you have lost in the exploits of your parents. Instead, you share a combined innocence that no one else can understand. No one understands the neglect and criticism. You share the innocence of children who just want their parents' attention.

You like the fact that he has a piece of you that no one else can touch. It connects you together. And no matter how much you wish it weren't true, you _do_ miss him. Its that piece of you that you will never let go.

***

She's sleeping. She looks so at peace. You are not fooled. You know there's a war brewing beneath the surface. There's a war that no one else can see. Everyone refuses to see it, but you know its there.

You know its there because you've been there. You've comforted her in her time of need. You don't talk about it, but you know you share something together. You don't mention the fact that you understand each other more than anyone else does. You share a piece of each other that no one else can touch.

That's what makes her yours. She is yours and no one else's. You have marked her physically but emotionally as well. You may have taken her virginity, but she's taken something of yours as well. She has taken your virginity, of sorts as well. Not the coke whore who you want to see destroyed.

She made you feel. You know you shut yourself down because of your father. He tells you never to show weakness. You shut yourself down because that makes it easier when he neglects you. All you want is his approval. He can't even give you the time of day.

You convinced yourself that you are worthless. But then she has to come along and change everything. She's changed you and she doesn't even know it. She thinks that you detest her. She's just hurt you in a way that you can't explain. She gave you everything and then suddenly took it away.

It's easier to make her believe you hate her because in reality it's something all together different. You are desperately in love with her. You tried to make it go away, but its time to face the facts that it just won't.

She took something of yours and she can't give it back. You can't go back to being a player. All you see is her. She made you want to be a better person for her. She made you want to be something. She made you have aspirations. She made you ambitious. She made you love her and she can't take that away. No one can.

The moonlight illuminates the room. You can't help but marvel at how her porcelain skin practically glows in the light. You wish you could tell her right now that you love her.

You fell asleep on the floor. Well, that's what you're going to tell her in the morning when she yells at you for sleeping in her bed. In reality, you waited until she drifted off to sleep. It was a long night. You have made a plan for destruction. You can't wait to see her put it into action. If it is one thing that amazes you about her, it is her ability to be exactly like you, negating all of the bad traits you have. Which is almost all of them. But that's just it. You can connect with her on a level that no one understands.

If you thought months ago that you would be _connecting_ on an _emotional level_ with a _woman_, you would be sure you were high.

But she is so much more than just a woman. She's it for you. Right here and now, you realize that there is no one else, there can be no one else.

So you sat on the hard floor, just waiting for her to fall asleep. It didn't take as long as you thought. Or maybe it's just the fact that she is entrancing when she sleeps. You can't keep your eyes off her.

You don't feel guilty for crawling on the bed next to her. It will be worth it when she wakes up and hits you. At least you get to be near her for a night. You get to touch her without her shrinking away.

It surprises you after you slink an arm around her waist, that she returns the embrace. You look down to see that she has turned in your arms and her leg is propped up on yours. You give her a devilish smirk that she cannot see, but can most certainly feel. The morning should be interesting.

***

"Chuck Bass is a romantic. Who knew?'

"Now you do. That's all that matters."

Chuck wasn't one for holding hands, but there they were, Chuck and Blair, fingers entwined. Blair had always seemed like a hopeless romantic to him, but he realized that she was that way because no one could connect with her. No one knew why she did the things that she did.

No one knew why she out casted people and was a raging bitch. Chuck could see her, and he was pretty sure he was the only one who could.

There was no way that someone like Nate could ever understand someone as complex as Blair. That's why she was hopelessly romantic. She had dreams of being able to know someone completely and she just didn't.

Chuck didn't know about her, but that's the way he felt when he was with her. He could understand her completely. He couldn't say that about anyone else. He didn't feel the way he felt with Blair with anyone else. And that's why he could hold her hand. She was it for him.

"Uh, hey, guys," Chuck and Blair looked up from the floor they were lounging on. They had more class than just sitting on a dirty floor, but honestly, they had excessive amounts of champagne. And there was the whole "true love" speech that Chuck gave to lighten the mood. Not to mention the fact that Blair had actually accepted him and forgiven him for everything. It was almost a natural high.

That's why Eric hadn't wanted to be the one to interrupt them. He knew Serena wasn't up for it. He didn't know why, but he assumed it had to do something with Dan. Nate had gone missing. No one was really worried, but he just stepped out after Chuck's speech.

So the title of messenger had been put in Eric's hands. Everyone assumed what Blair and Chuck were doing so it surprised Eric when he walked into the hallway, looking for them and they were just sitting there. They were just holding hands and whispering to each other. It was beyond bizarre. But Eric was grateful that was all they were doing.

"Brother," Chuck grinned. A small smile played across Blair's lips. It was obvious Chuck was a little more than buzzed.

But there was also the obvious fact that Chuck loved his family. That's what occurs when you are starved for attention from your emotionless father. Chuck had a family now. Chuck also had Blair. It was a good day.

"Bart sent me to get you. He said that it was time for cake." Eric neglected to mention that Bart had also insinuated he knew that Chuck was either getting smashed or laid. It turns out that he was just getting a little of both.

Chuck heaved himself to his feet. He looked like he was having difficulty. Blair was having more troubles. She attempted to get up but her heels were proving to make the task more difficult.

Chuck reached out his hands and pulled her up. Though the action was small and simple, Eric wanted to look away. It seemed such a private moment. Chuck never really showed tender affection for anyone in that matter.

Blair stumbled slightly. Chuck steadied her, putting his hands on her shoulders. She smiled at him fleetingly. She was obviously buzzed too.

Chuck looked up, his arm steadying Blair and followed Eric into the main room. Bart and Lily were in the middle of cutting the cake. Blair wanted to look away when they started feeding each other.

Romanticism like that was lost on her. She understood the value of a romantic gesture, but not so the other people in the room would want to vomit. Blair felt a gaze on her face.

Chuck had noticed how she averted her eyes and was smirking. Blair rolled her eyes at him. He was too observant. His breath left a low laugh in her ear that was only meant for her.

Chuck waited for her first. No matter how much everyone else was convinced about Blair's "recovery", Chuck wasn't fooled. He knew that sometimes it was too much. Blair couldn't take all the criticisms, the neglect, the constant comparisons. Chuck didn't blame her for it.

Blair hesitated for a second. She was very aware of Chuck's gaze on her. She knew that he knew about her.

Normally she would be wary of this sort of thing when her mother was almost certainly in the room. Eleanor critiqued her when she was eating just a croissant. What would she saw about wedding cake?

Chuck's warmth behind her made her strong. She realized that he didn't care about any of that. He… well, he hadn't exactly confessed any strong emotions for her, but she was sure of what she felt for him.

With him by her side, she felt strong. She didn't feel vulnerable. He told her in so many words that she was beautiful. And for the first time, she believed him.

Serena had always tried to higher her self esteem but it just wasn't enough. Who was Serena to be talking about high self esteem when she was the "It Girl" of the Upper East Side?

Chuck made her strong. She believed him. He made her a better person. So she picked up a piece and began to eat. She looked up slightly and saw Chuck smiling genuinely at her.

Blair thought she would get used to genuine smiles from Chuck Bass, but it was a surprise every time. She was caught up in his gaze when she heard a shrill voice cut through the crowd.

"Blair! What are you _doing_?"

Chuck stiffened at the sound of Eleanor's voice. Leave it to her mother, the one person who was supposed to love Blair unconditionally, to make her feel pathetic.

Chuck was really trying to make Blair feel worthy (without compromising his reputation) and now it was all going to hell.

Chuck felt Blair freeze beside him. He looked down and her fork was poised above the dessert, as if she were waiting for repercussions. She looked up at Eleanor who was standing a few feet away.

"Yes, Mother?" Blair asked. Chuck didn't like the tone of her voice. She was afraid. She was usually venomous and fiery. Her mother made her downcast. Chuck didn't like it at all.

"I thought we made it clear about tonight. You ate enough at dinner as it is."

Chuck felt that familiar churn in his stomach. Blair's mother should not be talking to her like this.

If Eleanor was just another person, Chuck would destroy her. There was no doubt about that. This was Blair's mother, however.

Blair was frightened. Chuck didn't want to see that happen, but he really didn't have a choice at this point.

"I…" Blair started uncomfortably. She felt Chuck's warm hand rest on her back. He was actually… trying to comfort her. She never thought that Chuck Bass had the hardwiring to be sweet, but here he was.

Blair didn't like Chuck seeing her this way. It made her feel vulnerable. She was supposed to be untouchable. She was supposed to have her emotions locked down. What does he think of her to see her in this state of weakness?

Moments ago she had felt strength. She had felt strength just because of one person. This person had made a difference in her. Maybe she didn't have to resort to destroying her body because of insecurities.

"Really, Blair, what were you thinking?"

Chuck watched Blair cock her head to the side. He felt his stomach start to unclench.

"Well, Mother," Blair said superiorly. "I thought it was obvious I was eating." With that, Blair popped the piece on her fork into her mouth. Eleanor looked like she was about to have a seizure.

Chuck couldn't help the chuckle that escaped his lips. Blair was perfect. She looked up at his sound. She felt like her heart was expanding. Chuck didn't think she was pathetic. He admired her for standing up to her cold hard mother.

Blair took a confident step away from her stricken mother. Chuck followed her closely behind. He loved her.

***

Chuck really wasn't sure what time it was. He didn't give a damn. He didn't care because he was in the presence of something he had deemed unattainable.

Blair was beyond trashed. But the thing about Blair is, you would never know it unless you were Chuck Bass. Blair was the most elegant drunk Chuck had seen in his life. She could fake sobriety as well as he could. When she was drunk, he thought she was beautiful.

He was aware of how messed up that sounded, but again, he continued not to care. "Messed up" was putting their relationship lightly. He was aware that after the high of them getting back together wore off, it wasn't going to be normal.

They would break up 15 times a day and it wouldn't matter. Chuck had already accepted the fact that no one could have a hold over him like Blair could. That was it. But Chuck had to laugh.

"If you think walking home with no shoes on is going to be painless, I've got news for you," Chuck smiled at Blair. They were out in front of the ballroom. Blair's expensive designer shoes were in her hand and she was taking strategic steps around the sidewalk.

Chuck was just watching her with amusement. No one saw the Blair he saw. No one ever could.

"Actually, you're wrong about that," Blair said, slightly slurring her words. Chuck raised his eyebrows at her.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yes. For your information, Bass, these shoes are highly uncomfortable. There was no way I was keeping them on."

"Yes. Very lady like to be walking around outside past midnight with no shoes on."

"Well, if you hadn't noticed, when you start tripping on account of your heels that are 50 feet tall, its time to admit defeat," Blair grinned. Blair wasn't much of a grinner, Chuck had noticed.

But when they were alone, strange things occurred that wouldn't happen around other people. Not to mention the current state of Blair's mind set.

Blair started walking disjointedly, as if she couldn't tell if she were walking on solid ground.

"I had noticed that, yes," Chuck said. "But it was better for me because I had to carry you around everywhere," Chuck smiled at the memory. It was true. Half the night Chuck's hand was wound around Blair's waist and her arm around his neck to keep her from falling.

Blair laughed at this. She was being like she was before. She was acting like she had after her birthday, and around the cotillion. Nate had been absolutely right when Nate had said she was completely happy at that time. Chuck couldn't agree more. It helped that he was the cause of it, as well.

Blair's balance was not improving as the night wore on. Chuck kept close to her in case she needed assistance in transportation.

"And I wasn't going to walk home, anyway," Blair said, remembering Chuck's earlier comment. She turned to speak to him, but the motion was too much for her. She felt Chuck's strong arms surround her, protecting her from the hazardous sidewalk that threatened to impair her. "That's what _limos_ are for," Blair said, muffled by the sound of his shirt.

She felt the vibration under Chuck's shirt as he laughed. No doubt what he was thinking about.

"My mother looked pretty mad," Blair said suddenly. Her ear was pressed to Chuck's chest. She was breathing deeply.

"Yeah, that was pretty amazing," Chuck commented. He always knew the right thing to say. She needed validation right now.

"Almost as 'amazing' as _Victrola_?" Blair asked. Chuck's arms tightened around her. This seemed to be the topic on everyone's minds. That was the only other time he had called her amazing, though she merited it every other time he saw her.

Blair looked up at Chuck's silence. His eyes were soft with pondering. Music from the hall was floating out onto the street.

"That music's really loud," Blair commented drunkenly, obviously out of her sober moment. "Don't you think that music's really loud? I think it's really loud." Chuck laughed again as Blair leaned away. She was definitely smashed.

Blair suddenly gasped. Chuck looked at her in surprise.

"Let's dance," Blair exclaimed. Chuck sighed sarcastically.

"But I've already danced with you tonight," he protested mockingly. Blair just rolled her eyes.

"Come on," Blair waved off his dismissal. She took his hands in hers and pulled him closer. She was in his arms again, hers wound around his neck, his around her waist. The moved slightly to the music.

Blair pulled away with a mischievous smile lightening her features. She raised her arm, the one that was interlocked with his. Chuck raised his eyebrows at her. She ducked under it in a flirtatious twirl. He laughed… for real this time.

Chuck didn't ponder the strangeness in the situation. He never would have thought of himself as the guy who… _dances_. He did dance. He was good at it. But this was… slightly too romantic for his taste.

It was okay, though. He could smell Blair fully. Her scent was clinging to his clothing. He hoped it would never wash out. He couldn't help but thinking that this was for good. This wasn't going to end.

Blair:

Chuck:

Always 17

Solidly 17

Involved with boredom

Involved with jealousy

Involved with someone

Involved with feelings

She doesn't love

He wished he didn't have

Coveting what she used to have

Coveting what he used to have

Coveting what she threw away

Coveting what he convinces himself he doesn't want

Coveting true love

Coveting true love_  
_

_And I taste  
What I could never have  
It was from you_

Chuck didn't like resorting to such lowness as this. He might as well just take a midnight stroll through Brooklyn. He hated to follow… _him_ around just to see if he would get a glimpse of her.

Fake bastard. He didn't even know what it was really like to be with her. He didn't see how she really was, like Nate never did (not that he would say anything against his best friend.)

He didn't see her illuminating light that shone right through him. He didn't know what it was like to realize how you're not completely worthless just because of one person. And it wasn't even Nate.

She kissed him. Ugh, Chuck didn't even know why he was watching. It was damn disgusting. But it was worth it to hear the bit of news that completed his night. He recognized his chance and went for it.

Chuck didn't think when it came to things like these. When it came to her. He just acted. She brought the best out in him. Her beauty captured his soul. And if anyone ever knew that he was thinking such… non Chuck Bass thoughts, he might as well be castrated. By her.

That's why his reputation came in handy. When all else failed, he could just bring out the womanizer card. It worked wonders.

He heard that she needed him. She didn't need him and Chuck knew it. She knew it, too. Chuck would make sure of it. He knew what she needed. She would get it. Chuck would make sure of it.

Originally, he had told himself that he only wanted her for one night. He needed to make himself… "Presentable." Or at least, that's what he told Serena. It was bad enough that she knew who he wasn't… _over_. He would die if Serena actually knew who he was actually… _in love_ with. Chuck Bass doesn't fall in love… with anyone besides her.

So Chuck played the womanizer card again. But if he was being truly honest with himself (which didn't happen often,) there never would have been anyone else. She was it. This cover was temporary. When she realized how much she missed and needed him, she would dump the lord immediately. Because nothing is above true love… and the perks that it comes with. Oh hell, he wasn't going to be subtle. The sex was fucking amazing. There.

Chuck opened the door to the room he had entered many times before on escapades such as this and ones where they dabbled in destruction, their favorite pastime.

_Marcus, is that you?_

Blair didn't look at him. She was looking in the mirror at his reflection. Only a single candle lit the room with the moonlight streaming through the window. That was fine for Chuck.

He knew if she realized immediately that it wasn't her precious Brit, he would be kicked out. All he had to do was convince her. Fortunately for him, that was a something he exceeded at.

_Blow out your candle._

Chuck enunciated his fake English accent. He was going all out for this. She would believe that it was her loving foreigner for a few seconds before his tongue convinced herself otherwise. And it wasn't verbal, either.

He watched Blair hesitate for a moment before rising to do as he asked. Chuck didn't step inside the room yet. There was a part of him that suspected that she had figured it out. She wouldn't be his Blair if she hadn't. But she blew out the candle.

The flame extinguished and the room was shrouded in darkness. The only light that illuminated the room was the moonlight that streamed through the lone window. Chuck paused for a second, taking in the sheer beauty of the image.

Blair's silhouette was captured perfectly by the natural light. Every one of her features was perfectly accentuated by the night. She turned her back to the window, waiting. She was waiting for him.

Chuck knew it was foolish to think, but they were meeting in secret, in the darkness. It felt… exciting. She didn't know it was him yet, but the darkness made this all the more enjoyable for him.

Blair's face was brightened by the steel light. Chuck took a deep breath and took cautious and quiet steps towards her. He felt the light hit his profile. This made him act all the more quickly.

Chuck took Blair's arms in his hands with quick fire. He pulled her gently but swiftly, guiding her to his lips. A familiar satisfied ache spread through his chest. He hadn't tasted her sweetness in months. He didn't realize how much he had missed it until now. She was an addiction to him. One that he couldn't kick. One that he didn't want to.

Heaven only lasted for a few seconds and Blair pulled away. Chuck felt defeat when he knew that she knew exactly who it was. She was going to flee. She was going to slap him, punish him for deceiving her. It surprised him when she didn't.

...

Blair had been waiting for Marcus. She had been waiting for him, but couldn't help the extreme thoughts that wished that he were someone else. She was used to these feelings because she knew that she couldn't stop them.

Almost like a sickness. Exactly like an addiction. One that she couldn't kick. One that she was continuing to figure out that she didn't want to.

Blair didn't want to admit it to herself, but she knew the exact moment when Chuck Bass walked into her darkened room. It seemed right for them; waiting for each other in the shadows. Stealing kisses in secretive dark corners.

It was completely wrong, but she couldn't help enjoying it completely, free of any guilt that she should have had, but just didn't.

Blair didn't admit it to herself, but she knew when Chuck put on that fake accent, exactly who it was. She could recognize his voice, no matter how he disguised it.

It was too distinguished. Too recognizable. Too distinctive. Too damn sexy. Too seductive. Chuck could seduce her in her own house and she wouldn't do a thing to stop it. She couldn't. She was powerless against him. Right now, she didn't care.

Blair knew it was him immediately when he touched her. That was when she had to admit it. Chuck Bass was in her room again and he wanted her. Again. Damn that voice.

No one commanded her touch like his did. He was gentle but commanding. With Marcus, it was all she could do but not think of Chuck the entire time. Wishing it was him. Her mind wandered; there was nothing to hold her attention.

With Chuck, she couldn't even think straight. Her mind came and went in short spurts. All she could make out were images and sounds that made no sense. Scents that overwhelmed her.

They were simple scents like alcohol and fabrics, but completely distinctive. She knew who they belonged to. She knew she shouldn't be thinking of them, or the man she shouldn't be with but was.

Chuck's fingers blazed across the bare skin of her arms like wildfire. Strange how a simple gesture could make her completely brain dead while Marcus could do everything in his power and couldn't even come close to commanding her attention effortlessly.

Blair loved how Chuck could do this to her. She missed it. She couldn't admit it, not to anyone. But she knew there was something between her and Chuck that was purely chemical.

You couldn't manufacture reactions like these. A simple brush caused sparks that started a chain reaction of epic disaster. Blair wouldn't have it any other way.

Chuck brought her right into him. She found solace in his embrace again. His familiar touch, scent, sound… taste. Blair felt him taste her as though he were savoring every lingering second. He tasted like forbidden and piquant zest of scotch and pleasure. There wasn't a taste like it in the world.

Blair pulled away, just for a second. She realized that she couldn't stand being away from him for another second. She just had to make sure he was real. He was really in her dark room, lighting her skin on fire.

She studied his distinctive profile for a quick second in the moonlight. There was no mistaking Chuck Bass. Everything about him was unique. Blair made a split decision. Marcus was forgotten. He didn't exist. The only other person in the world had his taste stinging her tongue.

So she decided not to care. Blair always told herself that just this once she would give into her dark desires. But that "just once" always turned out to be those "several times in the back of the limo." Chuck made her weak and every time, she decided not to care.

Chuck waited for the slap that never came. He was growing impatient. Couldn't she see how much that he wanted her? Like he had never wanted anyone else, and never would, he knew. Chuck pressed his lips even more fervently to hers, so fiercely, that her face moved back.

To his utter surprise, Blair reciprocated with a force that matched his equally. It was what always amazed him about her. She was his match on everything. No one could be his counterpart like Blair Waldorf could.

Her cool hand scalded the side of his face with a missed touch. Damn. He missed her so damn much. Chuck raised his hands to her back, pulling her even more closely.

It was almost worth it. It was almost worth the lights coming back in and the boyfriend walking in on it. ("Boyfriend.") It was almost worth getting "punched" in the face. ("Punched", because really, even Humphrey punches harder than that.)

It was almost worth it. It was almost worth the lights illuminating Chuck's flawless face. It was almost worth Marcus walking in. It was almost worth hearing a fist connecting with Chuck's face. But it wasn't.

Blair knew that if the lights hadn't come on Marcus wouldn't have walked in. She knew that she would have given into temptation. Temptation went by the mantle Chuck Bass.

Chuck would have had her in her own bed, and he knew it. No matter how much Blair tried to forget him with numerous of other potentials, there came a point where she just had to admit to herself that Chuck was her one and only.

And it sucked. How was she supposed to respond to that? Even though she would drop Marcus in a second if Chuck just admitted his feelings none of that seemed to matter. It didn't matter, because Chuck wasn't going to find out. She would die before she actually told Chuck Bass that she was in love with him if this was how he was going to play it.

Chuck would have told her that he loved her right there if he thought it would was going to make a difference. He knew it wouldn't. He would get punched in the face hundreds of more times for her. If meant getting her back, he would do anything.

He didn't know what invoked such powerful emotions in him. Maybe it was the fact that he was actually in love for the first and only time in his entire life. But looking at her then, he realized that he just couldn't have her.

Chuck's rash actions made it that way, but that didn't mean it would always be that way. No, one day she would be his again. He made a solemn vow.

Chuck:

Blair:

recently 18

18 and steadfast

and harboring an inheritance

notices what should change

that should change everything

what doesn't change

and changes nothing

but what does change

but changes everything

and brings up denial

and brings up maturity

no matter how she doesn't see it

no matter how he doesn't see it_  
_

_All the times  
That I've cried  
My intentions  
Full of pride  
But I waste  
More time than anyone_

Chuck's grip tightened around his usual glass tumbler. He didn't know why he didn't drink from regular glasses anymore. Well, he was turning 18, now. But honestly, he was freaking out.

Staring out at the city he practically owned now, yes, he was sufficiently freaked out. The scotch helped with that some. It also helped with blocking out Nate and his new girlfriend—Blair.

Chuck really wasn't in favor of the newly reunited lovers (not that they did much of that) but he really couldn't talk. Wasn't it he who was chasing after call girls and his father's ghost?

But Chuck also had to ask himself why his best friend had tired of his Brooklyn concubine all of a sudden. Chuck wished he could have seen it coming. He wished he hadn't been so oblivious. He had his chance.

He couldn't protest. But he could watch (as predatory as that sounded.) Maybe she would notice one day that this was a mistake (preferably without a husband and 2.5 kids in tow. That would make winning her back amply more complicated.)

Scotch also helped wave away his guilt. His guilt for feeling oddly triumphant on his 18th birthday party that his best friend and the love of his life were already fighting. The scotch dulled his thoughts so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about wishing how they would just break up already.

_Why won't you talk to me?_

_Because you're being impossible to talk to!_

_Me? You're the one who won't tell me what's wrong!_

_You wouldn't understand._

_You always say that, like I can never understand the things you're going through. Do you really have such low expectations of me?_

_You can never understand_

_And who can? Maybe you should just… stop overreacting to the things your mother says._

_Overreacting? Really? Well I'm sorry I'm not the golden child to my parents. I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you. I'm sorry not everyone loves me. I'm sorry everyone thinks I'm the devil incarnate._

_I'm starting to think you're not sorry at all._

_Should I be? You never could just accept me for who I am._

_Well when you're being a bitch it's kind of hard._

Yes. Music to his ears. Chuck knew he shouldn't have been taking sides at the conversation that was spilling onto the balcony, but Blair was right. Nate just couldn't understand what it was like. He wondered if Blair thought Chuck did.

"You don't drink scotch," Chuck said as Nate grabbed the drink right from his hands.

"Tonight I do," was the answer. Chuck wasn't about to mention what everyone had obviously heard. It wasn't his place. Not anymore.

And he couldn't help but wonder if Nate wondered if Blair thought Chuck was better. After all, the first time Blair broke up with Nate, she fell right into the arms of the best friend.

"I know you heard us fighting." Nate noticed Chuck's silence. Chuck didn't want to comment. He was apt in saying the exact wrong thing at the precise moment.

"You don't have to do that, man," Nate turned to him, urging him to say something.

"You don't want to know what I have to say."

"You still love her."

"You don't want to know what I have to say," Chuck repeated. Yes, it was true. He still loved Blair. Nate was the only person he confided this to. But that wasn't the whole thing.

He wanted desperately to tell Nate that he had no idea how to take care of Blair. He wanted to tell Nate who did know how to take care of Blair. He couldn't. He wouldn't.

"Well, happy birthday, man," Nate clapped a hand on Chuck's shoulder and left him alone at the balcony.

It was only moments before Chuck heard the inevitable furious clicking of heels behind him. That's what Chuck used to refer to Blair and him as. Inevitable. He was still in favor of that theory. It just took longer for some people to realize it than he thought.

"Nate's not out here anymore," Chuck informed the now hesitant heels. There was a pause.

"I see that." There was no venom added to the voice that had lingered there in the conversation that everyone had head.

"You're looking for him." Chuck still faced the city, but he knew she was there. She felt her presence as she took a stance next to him.

"Not anymore." Chuck's stomach churned. Nathaniel had taken his drink. He had nothing to numb him. Her perfume was becoming too much for him. It was an addiction.

They just stood there for God knows how long, drinking in each other's silence. Chuck didn't want to look at her and see the tear stained face he knew would greet him. He heard a muted sniff. She was trying to cover it up, like she always was. And like always, Chuck didn't care.

"I'm sorry." Chuck didn't think he heard that correctly. She couldn't be apologizing. He had to look at her to see her expression. Blair was looking out at the city like he was, apparently lost in the same haze that he was.

"Now everyone's going to remember the party where you came of age because of me," Blair said minutely. "And not in a good way." Oh. That's what she was apologizing for. His hopes for that fantasy were immediately crushed. Chuck looked down; hoping she couldn't see the defeat he knew dominated his eyes.

"Well here's this, anyway." Chuck looked to see the Blair was locking eyes with his for the first time. Her hand was outstretched and a prettily wrapped box was in it.

"You got me something," Chuck stated. He had not expected that. She was always one for surprises.

"Just take it," Blair shrugged nonchalantly. Chuck's hand hovered above hers for a second before taking it gingerly, like it was made of glass. He didn't want to damage this memory. It was all he had of her.

Chuck began to work at the wrapping when he heard his name echoed in back of them. Both he and Blair turned to see.

"Bass," said his frat brother (there was no better analogy for it) coming towards them. Chuck wished he would go away. He was fairly certain that Blair was close to her breaking point. She was frail and fragile right now and this guy wasn't known for his tact.

"We've got a surprise for you." Chuck looked warily behind him. Sure enough there were several call girls waiting for him. Chuck refused to look at Blair. He knew that for him, Blair would put on a brave face and make some snide comment about it. He didn't hear anything.

"It's okay," Blair said instead, to Chuck. Chuck looked up in surprise. She made a move to take it back. "You should go. I can give this to you later." Chuck immediately hated Nate for putting her in this state. He had broken her.

"No," Chuck refused quietly. Blair and the drunken "friend's" expression mirrored each other's in surprise. Blair's hand was still outstretched, not quite understanding.

"You can send them away. I don't want them," Chuck said strangely. Blair shook her head slightly to herself. Chuck was a little confused as well. Something was just telling him exactly that. He didn't need hired girls. He didn't know why, he just knew it.

"You sure?" Chuck wanted to laugh at the drunk's question. It was oddly reminiscent of what he was feeling at the moment.

"I'm sure," Chuck said, not looking away from Blair. Chuck didn't hear him leave. He finally opened the box. Blair was still frozen in confusion. A Rolex lay in velvet.

"Well, it's no easy girl," Blair tried to joke but it fell flat. Chuck looked at her curiously. "You'd rather open my lame present than party?" Blair asked seriously. Chuck just looked at her, his actions answering her.

"It's nice," Chuck commented. He already had a watch, though. He knew that Blair knew that. She didn't do faux-pas. He wondered what else there was to this. That's when he examined it more closely. He realized that Blair was watching him expectantly, as though expecting him to make some discovery. Then he did.

"Blair," Chuck looked up at her in wonder. He lifted it out of the case and flipped over the band. "Is this….?"

"Yeah," Blair smiled weakly, as though trying a genuine smile after years of depression. "It took some convincing, but I got in touch with Carter Baizen. Nate said it was a lost cause. He said a watch was just a watch to you. I told him if you named it, it was obviously important to you. Especially after it got stolen." Chuck was still staring at her.

"Thank you," Chuck said genuinely. Blair shrugged. He stripped his wrist of the more expensive watch that he bought to replace this one. He took the older one out of the box and placed it on his wrist.

"It wasn't much," Blair tried to be nonchalant. It didn't work. "Well, your call girls await," Blair sighed, about to walk off.

"This is better," Chuck stopped her. Blair looked up. "You were there. I sent them away."

"I assumed that was code for something," Blair said, some of her spark coming back. Chuck smirked and just shook his head.

"Wow," Blair said, astonished. "Chuck Bass, sending away a sure thing. Never thought I'd see the day. Someone's actually maturing." Chuck scoffed. "Your father would have been proud." Chuck looked back at the city. He wondered if she was right. He hoped so.

"Are you scared?" she asked. Chuck took her in.

"Right," Blair realized. "You're a guy. Of course you're not."

"I wish he was here, to tell me what to do," Chuck admitted. Blair looked up in surprise. "He wasn't much for paternal guidance before, but at least he could tell me if I was screwing up. Now I don't know. That scares me."

"If anyone can do it, I know you can," Blair prompted him. He didn't know why. This was what had leaded them down the wrong road before. This was uncharted territory for them. They usually didn't lay things on the line like that. Blair smiled at him smiling at her. It was so uncomplicated then, so perfect, Chuck couldn't help but get angry at Nate right then.

"Blair." They both looked to see Nate standing in the doorway, expectant of Blair. The moment was ruined. Blair looked to the banister before turning completely to her boyfriend.

"I was looking for you," he informed her, stepping towards them.

"Me too," Blair said unconvincingly. Chuck turned back to the view. He didn't want to get involved in this.

"So you gave him…" Nate trailed off in case she hadn't. Chuck turned back when the conversation had turned to him again.

Blair nodded. Chuck spared him a grin and flashed the old watch.

"Oh, so you actually like it?" Nate asked surprised.

"Yeah, I've been missing this for a while," Chuck said, gazing at Blair, oblivious to his scrutiny. Nate, for once, wasn't oblivious at all.

"We should go," Nate interrupted Chuck's train of thought. Chuck hoped it wasn't just his imagination that made Blair's face look reluctant. Nate quickly turned on his heel, expecting Blair to follow. She hesitated.

"Happy birthday, Bass," she said with conviction. Chuck listened to Nate's fading footsteps. He could tell Blair that he was going to fight for her, right here and now. He could tell her that he didn't care if she was "done," he… damnit, he loved her.

Blair's eyes bore into his, as if pleading him to do exactly that. He would completely ruin everything with Nate. Again. Chuck Bass had tact. He could wait. He would wait. He would wait for her forever.

"I'm sorry I missed yours," Chuck apologized for months ago. Blair looked confused for a moment.

"Oh," she laughed, realizing. "I got your gift, anyway." Chuck's mouth twitched. He was glad she did.

"There were just some things going down with my dad," he informed her, trying to make amends. Blair shook her head.

"It's done, Bass. Don't stress yourself out." Chuck smiled tightly. Chuck smiled as he let her go. Blair looked back at him wistfully as she left the room to go join Nate.

Chuck wondered if he was just wasting his time with this. He looked at his newly adorned wrist. Nate would think that a watch was just a watch to Chuck Bass. But this was special. Chuck decided no matter how much pride he had, he would make it worth it.

Blair:

Chuck:

Ending 18

18 and employed

And feeling as though

Owning a business

She's back to where she started

He wonders he can keep

Finally wanting

Still having traits

To act on feelings

That only one person can understand

She tried to ignore

_But I'm on the outside  
And I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you_

Chuck ignored the looks that his so called employees cast him. He knew what they all were thinking. They didn't want to be working for some kid who just graduated high school and wasn't even going to college. They all knew his reputation that had actually been blown to smithereens by the simple act of being a workaholic. They all hated his father.

Chuck had been working insanely hard to beat their judgment. He usually didn't give a damn what people thought of him, but this was his father's legacy. He wanted to make his father proud, even if he wasn't around to see it.

The first week, Chuck had slept in his office. He ignored the looks of pity. It made sense to him know how his father could be Bad Bart. Cutting yourself off completely helped you get through it all. He was done being pitied.

The bar was his only friend. Nate couldn't understand the pressure that he was under anymore. He knew he was forsaking his friendship for someone who wasn't breathing anymore. He downed the line of shots.

Blair knew he didn't see her. She didn't care. NYU wasn't as disappointing as she thought it was. She tried to convince herself that the transfer from Yale was just so she could be closer to the city.

Being closer to Chuck was… she wouldn't say perk because technically she wasn't supposed to be very fond of him at the moment. All those thoughts of doubt seemed to dissipate as she saw him drinking alone.

She knew he was running himself ragged with unmet expectations of some dead bastard, but she didn't know how to fix him. She didn't know how to fix her Chuck. Last time she tried… to say it had ended badly would be an understatement.

The sound of glass breaking snapped her out of her dismal thoughts. Yes, as she suspected. Chuck had knocked over and entire tray in his drunken stupor. A couple of people beside him started laughing mutely.

Blair narrowed her eyes at them. Since when were bar hoppers judgmental? Huh. They must be from Brooklyn.

Blair's eyes centered back on Chuck. His head was in his hands, running his hands through his thick hair. The bartender told him something. His jaw twitched. She knew what that meant. He was holding things in. She heard the laughter again. Were they kidding?

Blair made her way towards the bar and took a seat on the stool next to Chuck's. She knew it might be a while before he noticed her. She ordered a drink.

Chuck started at her voice. Perfect, this was just perfect. It seemed to be one of those days. This was one of those moments that turned out to be I'm-at-my-lowest-so-this-of-course-is-the-perfect-time-for-the-girl-I've-been-in-love-with-since-I-was-17-to-see-me. He expected a witty retort but she said nothing. She just drank. Just like him.

Chuck had just been cut off, but he didn't want Blair to know that. He also didn't want to sit here doing nothing, waiting for her to make the first move.

Chuck leaned his elbow on the bar, propping his face in his hand, angled towards her. He ignored the snickers from him employees across the room. The only person he cared about right now was her.

"School's great, thanks for asking," Blair finally retorted with a smirk. His smirk. Chuck just nodded mutely. Why couldn't he think of anything to say? Blair sighed in exasperation. He definitely wasn't giving anything away. So Chuck.

"Since the bartender cut you off, why don't you go home?" Blair suggested helpfully. Chuck let out a breath of amusement. Of course she would catch that. Blair missed nothing.

"Why, is this _your_ bar?" Chuck didn't know why he was being so defensive. This was the first time he saw her since graduation and he was being his usual Basshole self.

"It could be," Blair shrugged. She was right. Soon she would inherit her trust fund and she could do whatever the hell she wanted. "But I know for a fact that it's not yours," she added with conviction.

"And how do you know that?" Chuck challenged.

"Because you wouldn't be drinking here if it was," Blair said with understanding.

"Yeah. Like you know me," Chuck snapped.

"I do," Blair smiled genuinely. "You'd want to go somewhere that no one knew you were a billionaire and owned an empire. Free from the expectations. No judgment." She echoed the same word he pitched to her about _Victrola_.

Chuck hadn't been there in a while. He didn't want to screw up the one thing he was proud of so much that he couldn't fix it. His father wasn't around to bail him out anymore.

But Blair seemed to be. There was that weird look she was giving him. She did know him. He wondered why she wanted to.

"Come on," Blair said, sliding off her stool, pulling at Chuck's sleeve.

"You don't know me," Chuck said harshly to himself. Could Blair see that he was spiraling again? She didn't want to be around for that last time. What changed?

"Face it, Bass," Blair said blindly. "I know you better than anyone. Now let's go before you fall out of your chair."

"I'm not drunk," Chuck protested a little too loudly. Blair snorted unladylike. She would only be herself like that when it came to him.

"What are you staring at?" he heard Blair suddenly shout. Chuck looked over at the people who worked for him.

"I highly doubt you've never gotten drunk before," Blair snapped. Chuck smirked. He liked her when she got like this. "Here's an idea," Blair was fully talking to them now. "Why don't you just go to back to your apartments and snort the coke that everyone knows you have and stop judging those around you? Maybe it'll change your perspective on life." With that, Blair grabbed Chuck's sleeve and pulled him out the door.

Chuck stumbled out of the door into the cool night air. Blair was right. He was drunker than he thought. He heard her sigh beside him as she wrapped her dainty arm around his waist to steady him that surprisingly actually seemed to be holding his weight.

"Where's your limo?" Blair asked, looking around at the street.

"Limo?" Chuck echoed. He honestly couldn't remember. No, he walked here from the office. But it didn't seem likely that he was going to walk back to his suite from here.

"Whatever, it's fine," Blair sighed and started pulling him down the street.

"Where are we going?" Chuck asked drunkenly.

"Since you seem to have misplaced our mode of transportation, we're going to have to crash at the only place close enough.

"_Victrola_?" Chuck joked. Blair laughed next to him.

"No. My place."

Chuck hit the door with unnecessary force. Blair steadied him absentmindedly as she unlocked the door. She had done this too many times to have to concentrate on it too much.

It was safe to say that Chuck had gotten steadily more drunk as they walked down the sidewalk. Blair made sure he didn't have any flasks on him but that didn't stop his inebriation from escalating for some reason.

Chuck slung his arm over Blair's small shoulders, trying to keep his balance. Time was, this would have thrown her completely off balance but she was used to Chuck's weight by now.

She just put one hand on his jacket, letting him know that she was there. He responded to the touch, leaning his head against hers.

Blair took a steady breath in, trying to calm herself. This did not help. Instead of fresh oxygen to her brain, Chuck's natural musk flowed through her.

Even though his scent was laced with the obvious aroma of hard liquor, she tried to suppress the tremor that threatened to give her away. It had been so long since she'd been this close to him she had forgotten his effect on her, even when he was drunk.

Blair finally popped the door open with her trembling hands and thrusted herself through, pulling Chuck along. If he were sober, he would tease her about being excited that she finally got him alone in her apartment. She however, was unaware that his mind was being cluttered as well with her distinctive perfume. This did not help his sobriety level.

Blair kicked the door shut, struggling under Chuck's weight. She looked around frantically for a place to lay him. The couch was a little far away but she didn't know how he would react to being deposited on her bed. She would risk it. He was getting heavier by the second.

Blair groaned as she and Chuck fell onto her bedspread. He lay sprawled face down at the center. She hoped he wouldn't suffocate. She placed her hands on his shoulders and with great difficulty, rolled him onto his back.

Chuck groaned at the effort. He couldn't help but think of how it felt right that Blair's hands were on him in her bed. He felt something sharp prodding at him. He felt underneath him and found his sunglasses. He wondered how they got there. He didn't remember bringing them.

Blair raised her eyebrows at him. Chuck really had his own style. It didn't matter that it was two in the morning. He moved to his own beat.

Chuck looked at Blair's perfectly sculpted eyebrows and couldn't help himself. The drunkenness wasn't helping him either.

Chuck reached forward and slid him bulky sunglasses onto the bridge of her nose. Blair was taken aback. She glared over the top of the rim at his sideways smirk. She sighed and pushed them up her nose and laid back. She had to pick her battles.

Chuck leaned back against the pillow next to her. He wondered vaguely if she would appreciate it if he told her how good she smelled. Probably not. She looked good in his glasses.

"Why don't you live in a dorm?" The question had suddenly entered Chuck's mind. The thing about him was that when he was drunk, there was nothing in his mind that he didn't voice. That was how he got a reputation for being a self absorbed ass. And he was usually drinking.

Blair pushed his glasses to the top of her head, pushing back her hair like a headband. She gave him a questioning glance. Chuck wondered if she would appreciate it if he told her how good she looked. He wondered if she would forsake her headbands and just wear his glasses.

"Because I live in an apartment off campus," Blair informed him. Obviously. "Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that have on campus dorms?"

"You're right," Chuck agreed. "You have class. I can see you living here."

"That's because I do live here," Blair smiled. She didn't know why, but the conversation had turned low. They were speaking in hushed voices even though they were the only ones in the room. Their heads were bent together even though they could hear each other fine.

Blair wished she were drunk. Then she wouldn't have to keep wondering wildly why she was becoming so close to him. She wouldn't have to wonder why it bothered her that it bothered her that she was becoming close to him. Chuck Bass never made anything easy on her.

Chuck liked this place. It smelled like her. He wondered that if he stayed here long enough, that he would smell like her too. He wondered why she insisted on living alone. She must be very lonely. Like him.

"You live alone," Chuck mused, trying to sound as casual as he could be while being drunk. He decided to broach the subject. He knew Blair and she wouldn't be that mad if she thought he was drunk. He was drunk, just drunker than usual.

Blair didn't answer for a moment. It was obvious that she lived alone. Chuck was right. She was lonely. Loneliness made people vulnerable. Blair hated being vulnerable. He didn't like being vulnerable either.

"Why did you transfer from Yale?" Chuck asked. The questions just kept coming. Blair realized what was happening. They were sort of… getting to know each other. They knew each other better than anyone, anyway, but they were actually having a conversation. She liked it. But she didn't answer anyway. Chuck got the message.

"Why are you so talkative so suddenly?" Blair asked sullenly. Yes, she was definitely being vulnerable. Chuck didn't know why. He was completely trashed. What was he going to do, judge her? Not like those people in the bar. The people he knew. The people who worked for him.

"I knew them," Chuck said quietly. More quiet than they had been talking, at least. Blair looked down at him questioningly.

"At the bar," Chuck said with as much shame as he could muster. "They work for me. They don't like me."

"Since when does Chuck Bass care what people think of him?" Blair asked incredulously.

"Since my father's legacy is at stake," Chuck pinched the bridge of his nose. "Since my reputation has ruined everything."

"Your… _reputation_ doesn't mean anything," Blair told him honestly. Chuck knew she had never really been fond of what people said to him after it alerted him to the morality clause in his father's will. After she found him with those half naked women that meant nothing to him.

"It's how they perceive me," Chuck said simply. "It means everything."

"People think they know you," Blair stated. "They don't."

"Do you?" Chuck asked in all seriousness.

"Yes," Blair said with conviction.

"Why did you transfer from Yale?" Chuck asked again. He needed to hear the answer.

"Because…" Blair began. "Because I don't have anything anymore. New York is the only connection I have to anything anymore."

"You're not alone," Chuck answered the silent question. Blair leaned away from him, lying on her back, staring at the ceiling. Chuck tried to sit up but the room started to spin. He hadn't binged like this in a long time.

Blair looked at his groaning as Chuck put a hurried hand to his head. She immediately sat up and braced his broad shoulders in her hands so she could lay him back down.

Chuck instead leaned against her, burying his face in her hair. Blair commanded her heart to stop trying to break through her chest. It didn't work.

She thought she imagined the slight moan she thought she heard emit from Chuck. It couldn't have been. He encircled his arms around her waist, using her as an anchor. She was the only real thing that he could hold onto anymore. He had no one else.

Blair stopped trying to move him. He was okay where he was. She felt tremors vibrate up and down her spine as she definitely did not imagine him taking a deep breath of her in.

"You smell good," he finally decided to murmur. That felt better. He had been holding that in for a while. A slight smile pulled at the corners of Blair's lips. He couldn't see it.

"Thank you," Blair finally decided to stay. Chuck smiled into her neck. He missed this. She finally leaned him back against the pillows. He refused to let go of her. She made that as an excuse in her head that it might be okay if he spent the night. He was to drunk to do anything, anyhow.

Blair tried to convince herself that she was only helping an old friend who had no one else to help him. She tried to tell herself that's why her stomach was fluttering.

Blair sifted her feather light fingers through his thick hair. Chuck sighed contentedly against her. He wished she could stay with him like this forever

She couldn't be falling into the same trap over and over. She wasn't even falling because she didn't feel for him anymore.

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe he did need her. What was different since last time? She knew the answer. He was straight now. He was just trying to be better. He did what she had asked. He straightened out. For her. He did it for her and she knew it.

So maybe she would let herself fall dangerously again. Maybe she needed him as much as he needed her. No, that was definite. She definitely needed him.

Chuck:

Blair:

Reluctantly 19

Feeling 19 but old

Finding a balance to the life

Aging more and more

He thought he wanted

Each day

And finding

But finding

The life he actually wanted

The life she realized she wanted

Might be in reach

Is just in reach

_All the times  
That I've cried  
All this wasted  
It's all inside  
And I feel  
All this pain  
Stuffed it down  
It's back again  
_

Phrases like _how's work _and _school must be good _are just part of the vocabulary. Phrases like _I love you _and _I'd be lost without you_ just fall flat. Noises of pain coming from the bathroom are ignored and scents of overwhelming alcohol are forgotten just as easily.

Stolen glances and fleeting touches are pretended not to be noticed. These small guilty pleasures have to go unnoticed. They would be the death of them if they weren't. The fiery passion of love would burn them alive and they would let it. It would be a nurturing fire that would keep them alive. But they don't realize. They won't realize until they try. They were too afraid to. They are too afraid of failure.

Blair hovered above her destruction. Last summer was the hardest. Spending the entire time in France under the watchful eye of her father. Three months without one word, one glance, and one smirk from _him_. It was enough to make Blair sick. And she was.

She was back in New York now not any different from when she left. Eleanor thought she could _fix_ her daughter, as always. Pawning her off to her father seemed like a good idea at the time.

Now Blair is back and not any better. The only thing that could have made her better is impossible. And to fix that notion, there is only one cure. And she's hovering between life and death. No one is there to see it.

Blair felt her body convulse and her back arch. Eleanor wasn't around to hear it. There were still a couple of weeks before she went back to school and Eleanor wouldn't even be back in time to see her only child off. Only one other person knew that sort of pain.

Chuck knocked back his 17th shot. 17th? 71st? Numbers just didn't make sense anymore. The summer had been hard. Chuck Bass didn't do pining. However, that little mantra was difficult when all he had in his life was work and no one else had a care in the world.

Every little petite brunette who walked into this place was replaced with another shot. Soon they all looked petite and brunette. Soon they all have devious smiles and matching headbands. Soon they all had witty retorts and superior glances.

Not witty or superior enough, however. They still never reached par. So he took another drink.

Chuck had switched to the hard stuff when the burning liquid of scotch didn't seem to be doing the trick. He knew it wasn't working because thoughts like _she could be anywhere _and _I haven't seen her in three_ _months_ kept sticking their wiry pin-like thoughts in his brain. It hurt.

Eventually he had realized that his pride had left with her. Serena became his informer. She was spending the summer in France and she hadn't even told him.

It wasn't like they had talked much since that night he had woken up in her off campus apartment. She had defended him and he couldn't process that. He couldn't accept that she was coming in fast.

Now they had sort of an understanding. They would always be there for each other but they just couldn't be _there_ for each other. It was painful but necessary. He couldn't possibly be ready yet. It was too soon. It was too good. It didn't seem possible. He wished he was.

Chuck actually had considered booking his jet and flying to France to get her. He was so close. Eleanor couldn't even be bothered with him to tell him not to. She sent Dorota to do that.

Blair wasn't _vacationing_. She was in _detox_. Her words, not his. He knew the real story. They couldn't handle Blair so they shipped her away. It was disgusting. She was adult and they felt like they had to control her. She wasn't a bad person, either. She was just sad. It was her problem, not theirs.

She wasn't injecting heroine into her eyeballs or binge drinking every night. It just wasn't fair. He could have helped her, he knew he could have. She did everything for him; he could have done that for her. But they didn't let him.

He took another drink; that last girl had wide dark eyes. If he squinted he could pretend. Pretend. That girl didn't have the fashion sense that Blair had.

***

Blair stared at her red eyes accompanied by smudges of mascara. She glared at herself.

Chuck cocked his head at his disheveled appearance. He wondered if that was the way his employees viewed him. He had to project a somewhat professional image. He glared at himself.

Chuck half stumbled into the hallway. He hoped he didn't wake Serena or Eric. They would definitely know something was up.

Blair eased herself out of the bathroom. She hoped she didn't wake Serena or anyone else. She would be given hell if she was discovered going back to old habits that never truly left.

Chuck heard creaks on the floor. Someone was trying to be as quiet as he was. He tried not to think of whom. It seemed wishful thinking on his part. That was before he was the flushed face and smudged mascara.

Blair smelled the alcohol before she saw it. She wished her heart hadn't just stopped in her chest but it was an occurrence that often accompanied the sight of Chuck Bass.

Chuck stopped short. He noticed her change in appearance immediately. Her posture straightened, her mask was in place. They stood there for several moments, unsure of what to say or do.

Their expressions masked each other, covering the pain that lay underneath. Chuck hadn't seen much of her. Strange, considering they were staying in the same house. He couldn't stop himself.

He stepped forward cautiously until he could practically feel her breath on his chin. He brought up his hand and gently rubbed away the mascara clotted to her face. She was still beautiful.

Blair's eyes softened slightly at his ginger touch. She decided to reciprocate. She reached forward slightly, catching Chuck's tie between her fingers. She straightened it even though no one was around to criticize him.

Their masks fell away. A forgiving smile lightened Chuck's features. Blair exhaled in relief.

"Thanks," Blair said, unsure.

"Any time," Chuck echoed something he had told her a year ago.

"You should do something about that," Blair suggested, devious smile in place. "Your smell could wake up the entire house." He chuckled. Chuck shouldered past her.

"I'll think about it," Chuck smirked over his shoulder at her. Blair spared him an eye roll.

"See you in a couple hours," Blair promised him. Chuck smiled slightly and turned back to his room.

"I look forward to it," Chuck said softly in retreat. She heard him.

Blair crept back into the room she shared with Serena. She sat at the vanity and let the unshed tears roll down her face. She wished she could have told him the revelation she had. Life was short. She didn't want to live another day without seeing him. Perfect for summer. Like summer before senior year. Like in the same place they were now. Like in the Hamptons.

Chuck hoped the door closing didn't wake Eric who slumbered peacefully next door. He past the full length mirror and scrutinized his reflection again. He collapsed on his bed, wondering vaguely what it would be like is she was next to him.

Chuck didn't unknot his tie tonight. He wasn't afraid of suffocation. He ran his fingers over the silk that still seemed to have her essence pressed into it. He gazed out the window where the moonlight illuminated the Hampton beach.

Chuck mused to if he were to walk out there right now if she would happen to have the same whim. He wondered if that were to be the last time they would meet in the dark, following the urge for each other's presence. He hoped not. He gripped the frame of the bed, as if feeling physical convulsions of pain.

Blair:

Chuck:

20 and lost

19 and still learning

can't figure how she's broken

knows what's wrong with him

but knows how to fix it

knows what's wrong with her

assumes the final plan of action

knows his final plan of action

_And I lie  
Here in bed  
All alone  
I can't mend  
But I feel  
Tomorrow will be OK_

All of these parties are the same. After a while they just sort of blend together. Holidays blend together. Events blend together. People blend together. There is one thing. One thing that is a vibrant red in a world of gray. Legs clad in strappy heels. Body sheathed in sleek satin. Head adorned in jewels. She is all he can see in the crowd. She is the only thing he will ever see.

She can't look at him. He is too enigmatic. He is magnetic. A lightning rod for her eyes. He always just seems to be in her line of vision. Clad in the most expensive brands. Signature Rolex always worn. Scotch always in hand. But he's never intoxicated. He's never drunk. He's always looking, always aware. Always burning her eyes with his gaze. He's always there.

Blair looked up and saw what was coming and fled.

"Blair, what are you doing?" Serena came up from behind her. Blair made herself as small as possible in the parlor room sipping a martini.

"Drinking, what do you think I'm doing?" Blair asked, trying to sound as spiteful as possible.

"Please tell me you're not hiding from your mother," Serena begged. Blair spared her a knowing glance.

Chuck felt lost. He had nowhere to look now. He was trapped in a world full of gray now that the red had disappeared into nothing. He wondered where it went. He was lost in a world of people pretending they liked him. He was lost in a world of people who pretended they were interested in what he did. He was lost in a world of gray when he was so used to red.

Chuck watched Eleanor in a crowd of people. That's when he realized it. Blair was hiding. It seemed impossible that Blair could be afraid of anyone. It seemed impossible that Blair could be afraid of this small woman. It seemed impossible that Blair was still afraid after two years of freedom.

Chuck hated these things. There really was no point. Everyone knew that he got his place in the hierarchy of the company because of his deceased father. So why were all of these business men bombarding him with things that really didn't concern him?

_Well it's not exactly like_ Mad Men. Blair's voice earlier that night echoed in his ear as if she were standing right next to him. Chuck had smirked. Of course Blair knew one of his favorite shows. But now she was no where to be seen.

Blair slid into her bed lit only by the moonlight streaming through the window. Her mother would give her hell about skipping out on the party in the morning, but she just couldn't deal with it at the present moment.

Especially with every blonde bimbo in the place hanging off of him. With the exception of Serena. But that didn't count. They were practically related.

She closed her eyes, hoping the lull of unconsciousness would dull the pain and wondering if that natural musk was just in her imagination.

Chuck placed the glass tumbler back on the piano. He was sure that wasn't allowed but everyone was drunk out of their wits anyway. No one would notice. He looked around nonchalantly.

He remembered the last time he was caught at Blair's piano and what had occurred after. He remembered thinking how that could have been the night that he could have had her for good. Then tragedy struck. But that was Bart Bass. His timing was impeccable.

Chuck laid his fingers to the ivory keys. It was one thing that he didn't brag about. Not a lot of people knew that Chuck Bass was pretty talented at piano playing. Only one person knew that, actually.

He was halfway through the piece he had memorized when he thought he felt a gaze on him. He looked around and took a swig. Eleanor was milling around and had no time to pay attention to the delinquent who was using a piano that she bought for decoration.

Chuck slid off the stool and took the tumbler with him, trying to forget all the witty retorts Blair might have said if she were the one to catch him.

Blair squeezed her eyes shut against the classical music that others were probably having a better time at ignoring. But she couldn't help a small smile that graced her features. There was only one person who could be making that sort of noise.

She wanted to shut out the world but it was sort of off-putting to know that he was just a floor below her, obviously not clinging to random hos.

Chuck placed the tumbler back where he found it in the parlor room. He was most certain that someone had been watching him and his theory was answered when he turned to see mysterious navy eyes staring him down.

If he were in a drunker state he would have been more malicious towards her. But right now, he really just didn't want to talk to his step sister.

"Impressive," Serena mused. Chuck didn't break his dull glance. It helped that she thought he was very drunk. When people thought that Chuck Bass was drunk, they stayed clear. There was only one person he couldn't fool.

"What?" Chuck feigned innocence.

"Playing the piano, drinking, acting oblivious… all of it."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," Chuck said about to brush past her.

"Have you seen Blair?" Serena swallowed her pride. Chuck paused. So that was it.

"Does it look like I've seen Blair?" Chuck threw back at her.

"I don't know," Serena said with exasperation. "That's why I'm asking you."

"Why don't you just look for her?" Chuck asked, fighting the urge to do the same.

"Because I'm afraid…" Serena started.

"You'd rather be in a world of oblivion than know the truth of what she's doing," stated Chuck simply.

"That's not true," Serena protested. Chuck just nodded. He knew how it was. And thanks to Serena, he knew something else. He knew exactly where Blair was.

Blair hadn't bothered to change. She just lay under the covers, still in her party dress. All her accessories and her shoes were off, but she just felt like staying like this. It gave her the illusion that morning would never come and she wouldn't have to fear the Eleanor would ship her off again.

Blair didn't hear the clicking up the stairs or the door being pushed open. She didn't hear the creak on the floorboards of shoes being slipped off. Those senses seemed to be shut off completely.

The scent she had thought of before seemed to return in full force. Maybe she wasn't imagining it after all.

Chuck gazed at her sleeping form. He wondered with amusing bitterness if she would hit him again like the last time she woke up to him in her bed uninvited. Those had been simpler times. There weren't unfulfilled promises or unmet expectations. They hadn't admitted they were in love.

Her breathing was easy but Chuck wasn't fooled. He never was. If she were okay, she wouldn't be here. But he was relieved that she wasn't in the bathroom.

Blair felt the bed creak with pressure. She squeezed her eyes tight again. She didn't want to be imagining this again. She wanted it too much. She knew she wasn't when the covers were moved.

Chuck pulled back the covers slightly and slid in next to her. There was no other course of action. This was it. Both of them were done waiting. This was the next obvious move. Chuck didn't know if he was ready, but he was certain that he couldn't wait another night without her.

Chuck replaced the cover but didn't do anything else. He was aware of the role reversal. Last time they were both here, he left her. She was helping him when he needed her. This time he was certain. This time she wouldn't be the only one helping. In her words, he would stand by her through anything.

Blair held her breath slightly. This couldn't be happening. It could only be one person. It could only be the one person with enough nerve to do so. It could be the one person that she hoped it was.

Chuck was aware by then that she was awake. He didn't want to do anything else, though. He didn't want to ruin her like he had so many times in the past. He reached forward gently and swept her dark hair off her neck.

Blair's skin flared at his sudden touch.

"How did you find me?"

"It wasn't hard. I just dared to look where no one else would."

"You're always like that," Blair commented. "It didn't have to be that hard for anyone else. You're just a narcissist." Chuck laughed quietly at this. He realized after a while that he was absentmindedly stroking the bare skin on her shoulder. She was still in the dress she donned that night. She still smelled like her. She still smelled perfect.

Chuck:

Blair:

20 and confident

20 and calm

About an old friend

About parents

Who seems to be

Who are no longer

Something else entirely all along

In control

With a friendship

With a disorder

That is solid

That is kept in check

And boundaries

With the help of

That have always been breached

The breacher

_But I'm on the outside  
And I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you_

Chuck drummed his fingers on the bar. He was restless. It didn't help that Carter Baizen was advancing something that didn't belong to him. Chuck knocked back his drink and swiveled in his chair facing the rest of the room.

Chuck didn't like waiting but it looked as though that was what he would have to do for the rest of the night. He felt the clenching in his chest cease. Serena was walking towards Blair. Looks like he wouldn't have to intervene after all.

Chuck turned back to his drink, his attempt at nonchalance. Luckily for him, he played this game since kindergarten. He glared at his reflection in the glass.

He cast a sidelong glance across the bar. Serena had indeed intervened. He did not like Baizen's expression. It was lusty.

Serena took Blair from Baizen's hooks and slid from the stool. He trained his eyes on the bar. He felt the draft that signaled Blair's passing. He tried not to breathe in her scent but that was impossible at this point.

Chuck felt pressure on his back that was most certainly courtesy of Blair Waldorf. He hated how his genetic make-up made him have to ignore her.

The two sides of his psyche were in constant battle with each other. He was still getting used to actually accepting that someone was in love with him. It was difficult.

Chuck stayed stationary at the bar, not sure of what to do next. Her heard Baizen order a drink. Inspiration struck almost immediately. He slid his glass down the bar towards Baizen and took the seat next to him. He didn't look up at first. He felt Baizen's gaze on his face.

Chuck tapped the bar signaling for a refill. The bartender obliged when Chuck finally looked up at his enemy. He gave him a faux smile.

"Bass," Baizen said uneasily. Chuck looked away, hiding his amusement that Baizen was obviously uncomfortable. He should be.

"Baizen… right?" Chuck feigned innocence. Baizen looked down with a tight smile.

"Yeah…" They both knew Chuck knew exactly who he was.

"So… You and Waldorf," Chuck said, pretending he and Blair were anything but more than friends. Lie.

"Uh… yeah," Baizen said, confused that Chuck was treating him with friendliness. "She's pretty straight-laced," Baizen continued, becoming more comfortable. "I figure it would be worth it if I could get… underneath that."

Chuck felt his body tighten uncontrollably. That was exactly what he was going to stop.

"Really?" Chuck faked interest. Baizen shrugged. Chuck tried to regulate his breathing. It was easy to make people believe that you weren't a hot head. It was another to actually be cool headed all together. There was a reason people always had the impulse to assault him. He had the ability to provoke people with expertise.

"Wasn't it a couple of years ago you were the one to call her… what was it?" Chuck pretended to ponder for a second. "A… Blaranoid freak?" Baizen pressed his lips together, obviously remembering the incident. All Chuck could remember was how he had suppressed the urge to hit him.

"That was it, wasn't it?" Chuck asked innocently. Baizen took up his drink, avoiding eye contact. Chuck let a smirk through this time.

"Well it's not like I was looking for anything long term," Baizen reasoned.

"No, you're saving that for her best friend," Chuck said, his temper rising. Blair didn't deserve the things she got. She definitely didn't deserve getting left for her best friend again, not that she was going to go with Baizen anyway.

"What?" Baizen asked, surprised.

"Everyone knows you've been pining for the golden goddess since she left you in that boat." Chuck wasn't really worried about making Baizen believe whose side he was on now.

"I'm not going for Serena," Baizen reasoned. "And Blair's a little… high maintenance I can't really see anyone who would consider that long term." Chuck's jaw flexed convulsively.

"Well you don't know her," Chuck said simply. Baizen's eyes narrowed, figuring out the game. Chuck decided that this conversation was over. He was pleased with the turnout, all things considered.

"It was a pleasure conversing with you," Chuck said lowly, disembarking from the bar. "Oh," Chuck spun around for a second and leaned into Baizen, his voice lowering even more. "And just so you know, just because someone's smarter than you, doesn't automatically mean that they're high maintenance. In fact…" Chuck smirked. "When it comes to Blair, I know exactly how…" Chuck paused for the words. "How pleasurable… her company can be." Chuck turned on his heel and sauntered away leaving Baizen to his thoughts.

"He is not," Serena protested. Blair scoffed.

"Why do you think he's been staring over here for the past hour? Carter Baizen is totally into you."

"But I'm not into him," Serena sighed.

"Since when are you going to stop pining over Boring Humphrey?" Blair asked. "That thing with the teacher was like 2 years ago." Serena looked down, sadness in her eyes.

"I just can't help but think that one day we'll be together again. Wasn't that what it was like for you?"

"No. I have never pined over Dan Humphrey. Don't count on it," Blair said jokingly. Serena rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean. Didn't you know that eventually… you would be with him?" Blair knew the _him_ she was referring to.

"More like hoped," Blair relented. Serena grinned finally.

"Not that I want to hear the gory details, but…"

"Then don't ask," Blair interjected playfully. Serena smiled again. There was something that couldn't be explained about Blair after she and Chuck officially got back together. She was just a happier person. Serena didn't think it was a coincidence.

"Okay," relented Serena. "Then I won't mention how Chuck was glaring at Carter Baizen down the bar."

"What?" Blair was taken aback.

"He was giving him that death glare," provided Serena. Blair shrugged.

"Chuck will be Chuck."

"That's it?" Serena asked. "Chuck thinks you're cheating on him and that's it?"

"Wait, what?" Blair said, appalled. "Who's cheating?"

"I have never seen anyone glare at someone like that before."

"Well, yeah," Blair agreed. Serena raised her eyebrows at Blair. "Chuck hates Carter Baizen. It's nothing else."

"Then don't look now, because he's coming this way now." Blair never listened. Carter Baizen was indeed on his way over. Blair suppressed her gag reflex. She was really tired of him putting his hands on anything with long legs.

"Hey, Serena," he greeted. Blair rolled her eyes. It was so obvious that he wanted her.

"You know Blair," Serena introduced them, trying to take the heat off of her. Of course Carter knew Blair. They were talking literally 10 minutes ago.

Carter just nodded. Blair narrowed her eyes in his direction. Something had definitely changed since they last talked. Blair didn't have to speculate as to what.

"So you guys know Bass, right?" Carter tried to sound nonchalant. Blair knew exactly what happened in the last 10 minutes.

"Oh yeah, he's my step brother," Serena said cheerfully. She could not just be normal. She always had to be bubbly. "And he and Blair are…" Blair shook her head curtly. She wanted to find out what had happened.

"Friends," Blair smiled with fake sugar. "We're friends." Carter nodded.

"Well I don't want to trash your family or anything…" Carter trailed off.

"What?" Blair demanded. She wanted to know what had transpired between the two.

"Nothing," Carter said. "He's just obviously replacing the void in his life with alcohol."

"What makes you say that?" Blair asked with danger. Carter didn't seem to notice.

"Nothing," Carter said again. "Just a guy like that who always drinks and is a jerk… Something's obviously wrong with him." Serena looked uneasily at Blair's reaction. If she hadn't been friends with her for so long, Serena would have believed the façade that Blair was fine. She knew that she was, however, probably plotting underneath.

"You don't know him," Blair said calmly. "A lot of people don't understand him."

"And you do?" Carter asked.

"Better than you, obviously." Blair's true colors began to shine through, finally.

"Have fun, S," Blair grinned and began to walk off.

"Blair, wait," Serena said, petrified of being left alone with Carter Baizen.

"See you later," Blair called over her shoulder and set around the corner.

A warm and strong hand grasped Blair's upper arm and she found herself pushed into a dark corner. She would have been worried if she wasn't used to this sort of thing. She would get the first shock and then her adrenaline would kick in when she realized what was about to happen.

Chuck captured her mouth with his, pressing her against the wall. He felt a trill of laughter vibrate through Blair's chest. He smiled into her mouth.

"Do you even know how much I love you bitching out Baizen?" Chuck murmured into her ear as he trailed down her neck to her shoulder.

"He deserved it," Blair sighed. They had made sort of a pact that they didn't have to be so public about their… _involvement_. It was more exciting this way, anyway. Blair had a constant fear that Chuck would just get bored and go for the next ditz he saw.

Not a lot of people even knew about the dark relationship. Serena and Nate knew. They didn't tell anyone else, but Blair was pretty sure that Eric knew. And if Serena knew then Humphrey had probably found out. Eleanor didn't even know.

It brought back memories of her sneaking around with Chuck when she was 17. This was different, though. It wasn't that they were hiding it. They told people. They just weren't broadcasting it all over Gossip Girl.

Actually, there were a lot of rumors going around about them on Gossip Girl. Everyone just assumed. It just wasn't natural that she and Chuck would go around to movies and dinners. This was more their style. And contributing in something that was more them and not trying to be something they weren't actually kept the relationship alive. Blair knew she didn't want anything else.

Blair heard a subtle rattling and realized that Chuck was trying to open the door to the coat closet that they were leaning against.

"I'm going in there with you," Blair tried to say through the impediment of his mouth.

"Why not?" Chuck asked. "It's more secretive and we wouldn't be doing anything that we're not already doing," Chuck husked in a voice that turned Blair's insides to liquid.

"Because it's a _coat closet_," Blair stated. Chuck groaned against her hair. Blair smiled slightly. "Am I boring you?" Blair asked innocently, but still vaguely worried about the answer. Chuck scoffed.

"Well if you won't go anywhere with me…" Chuck trialed off, his voice still hushed.

"I didn't say that," Blair said suggestively. Chuck pulled away and tried to capture her eyes in the dark.

"Really?" Chuck stated. Blair shrugged.

"Just not in a closet." Chuck took her hand. Blair looked at him, her eyebrow raised. Chuck just laughed.

"Let's get out of here, then."

"Where?" Blair asked, still laughing at Chuck's gesture.

"My limo could be here in two minutes." He leaned his forward to hers as he whispered darkly.

"Okay…" Blair said. "Then we can go outside in two minutes." She grabbed his bow tie and pulled her to him again.


	2. I Got a Girl

_I got a girl who lives with me _

Blair slumbered so peacefully next to him. He wished it would last. He wished he could know when it would all blow up in his face. He knew it was inevitable. He always screwed things up.

But for now, Blair Waldorf was close to him. Her just slowly rose and fell in her sleep. His pillow was smothered in her scent. It had been that way for a while. He didn't know how it happened, but all of a sudden, she was his.

After months of trying to steal her away from whatever plastic face she was under, she was his. In his bed. Every night. He never thought he was the one for domestic simplicity. But domestic simplicity sneaks up on you when its disguised as mind blowing sex.

_  
I got a girl she smells so sweetly  
_

Her hair was soft against his face.

"What are you doing?" came the incredulous voice. He smirked into the crook of her neck.

"Nothing," he said simply as he inhaled. He couldn't get enough of it.

"I beg to differ," Blair muttered back. He looked up, bracing his hands on either side of her.

"Just wondering what you're still doing here," he said honestly. Every time they were like this, he couldn't help but think it. He distracted himself with chasing her time after time, but when he was actually here, he had no idea what she saw in him.

"I like simplicity," she said sarcastically.

"We'll see about that."

_I got a girl she loves her dog  
I got a girl i love her dog too  
I got a girl who stares in the mirror  
I got a girl who blames it on her period  
I got a girl she is so right  
I got a girl she's my guiding light_"God, Bass, what the hell?"

"Blair..." he grumbled. He laid his head down on the bar, trying to stop the world from spinning. She took a seat next to him wordlessly.

"You're really pathetic, you know that?" she said finally.

"Your confidence is overwhelming," he slurred.

"Well come on," she urged. Chuck raised his head.

"Where?" he asked confused.

"I have to get you cleaned up," she sighed. "Again."

"You could just leave me here," he suggested. He didn't want to make her do anything she didn't want to do.

"Are you kidding?" Blair asked snidely, pulling him off the stool. "And let you drown in your own vomit? Your humour is hilarious." He couldn't stop a smirk from playing across his lips. At least she cared. In her own bitchy way.

_Well I know I need I feel we're going higher and higher  
Well I know I need I feel we're going higher and higher  
I got a girl who loves good soul  
I got a girl who dances to disco _

"Thinking of showing me your moves again?" Chuck smirked. He heard a scoff in the back of her throat.

"Come on," he coaxed. "You know you love to."

"Just because I am talented, doesn't mean I should exploit it every chance I get," Blair countered.

"I love watching you dance," he husked simply in her ear, watching in confidence as goose bumps rose on her arm.

"Only when it leads to something in the back of your limo," she sniped in annoyance.

"No," he disagreed. "If it ends up back at my suite, I'm okay with that too."_  
_

_I got a girl who wears cool shoes  
I got a girl who wears them in the nude_

The last thing Chuck could remember was the clicking of the expensice shoes on the tile floor. Their floor. The floor they shared in their apartment. The one with the thick walls so no one could hear their groans and screams of pleasure. The last thing he remembered was the sound of her heels on the floor. He was glad he couldn't remember anything anymore.

"Well?" she demanded. "Are you just going to stare?" Chuck let his eyes rake her body before he closed the distance between them in a matter of strides, grasping her naked waist in his hands and ravaged her lips violently with his own.

_I got a girl who speaks her mind  
I got a girl she'll argue anytime  
I got a girl she is so small  
I got a girl she'll knock down any wall_

"What did you just say to me?" she practically screamed. Chuck groaned and rolled his eyes. He shouldn't have said anything. Obviously.

"Oh, so now you have nothing to say?" Blair demanded.

"God, Blair," he snapped. "What are you, wired?"

"Well at least it would be a change from when you are all the time!"

"That was one time," he retorted.

"Yes, that along with the three hookers," she sneered.

"You know for someone so small, you really are a major bitch."

"And someone who has his own call girls, you really are a hypocrite," she retaliated.

"You're lucky you're hot so I can disregard how bitchy you are," he retorted. Blair's hand came out of nowhere and smacked him right across the face. He out his hand to the mark in shock, staring at her.

Her eyes were full of passion and fire and soon her face was in his hands and he was fervently kissing her. She reciprocated whole heartedly before breaking off.

"You really think I'm pretty?" she asked sweetly.

"I just said you were hot," Chuck growled, shutting her up while pressing his lips back to hers.

_  
Well I know, I need, I feel we're going higher and higher  
Well I know, I need, I feel we're going higher and higher  
Get a load of this she's always bitching at me when I'm feeling down,  
Asking questions with her little frown,  
_

Chuck wanted to shut her up. He couldn't remember how he thought he could have ever thought this was cute. Her penetrating voice scraped across his brain. He whirled around and realized how he thought of this to begin with. Her ruby lips were turned down in the sweetest little frown. He didn't listen to her sounds of protest as he accosted her with his body. He didn't even care that her lipstick covered every inch of him.

_I can't take much much more of this, I'm out  
Get a load of this she's always bitching at me when I'm feeling down,  
Asking questions with her little frown,  
I can't take much much more of this, I'm out....  
_

"I'm out," was all Chuck said.

"What?"

"I can't take this anymore," he said, reaching for the door.

"Running again?" Chuck whirled in anger.

"You are driving me insane!" Her ruby lips turned down in disappointment. That bitch. She always knew how to get to him. "Blair, don't," he warned he trying not to look right at her.

Damnit. Looks like he was staying.

_  
I got a girl I love to kiss  
I got a girl I never wanna miss  
_

Chuck refused to make eye contact with her. He refused to look at her. He refused to let her know that he spent every waking moment (and the sleeping ones, too) thinking about her. Analyzing her. Fantasizing about her. Damn bitch. He hated it. He never thought he would ever be attached to a woman, let alone his best friend's ex. Let alone someone he couldn't brag about.

"Kiss me." He watched in fascination as her deep brown eyes raised at his comment.

"Why?" she asked snidely.

"I _was _being polite," he said. "I was giving you a chance. But if you won't give it to me of your own free will, I'll have to take it by force." Blair didn't have a chance to protest. She was too taken aback as he gently took her face in his hands and brushed his lips against hers.

"What was that?" she asked, astonished.

"Something new," he provided.

"They'll see us," she said apprehensively. Chuck looked back at the party. He hated how he had to hide from Nate. He hated how he couldn't tell his best friend how he was falling dangerously, something that had never and never would again, happen to him.

"I want to care," he said mused, "but it's hard to." He felt her dainty hands on the side of his face, stroking his hair as he tasted her ruby lips again.

_I got a girl who's my best friend _

"Why are you confiding in me?" he sneered.

"Because you're my scheming parter," she said, obviously. "Are you going to help me destroy her or not?"

"It would be my pleasure," he smirked._  
_

_I got a girl that won't even hold my hand _

"Why would I?" she snapped.

"Why wouldn't you?" Chuck countered.

"I don't know," Blair pretended to ponder. "Maybe because 'Chuck and Blair holding hands' is a laughable notion to you."

"I didn't say it was laughable," he defended. "I just said I couldn't see it. But I can, now. I can see us."

"Oh, I feel so cherished," Blair said sarcastically. Chuck rolled his eyes.

"Stop being so melodramatic," Chuck said.

"What's next?" Blair said bitterly. "'Chuck and Blair going to the movies?'"

"You're rediculous," he muttered.

_I got a girl that makes me laugh  
I got a girl I'll make her laugh too_

"That dress would look even better on the floor of my limo."

"That smirk would look even better crushed underneath my heel," she retorted immediately. Chuck couldn't hold back his amusement. Only Blair would be able to banter with him like that.

He looked at her perfect face to see she was holding back a smirk of her own. Chuck slid his hand smoothly over her bared thigh. Blair looked innocently over at her father and answered his question over Thanksgiving dinner. Chuck moved his hand higher underneath the table. She ground her heel into his instep discreetly as he grimanced.

"You'll pay for that, Waldorf," he muttered into her ear.

"I'm counting on it," she said with a sweet smile._  
_

_I got a girl she has girlfriends  
I got a girl I like her girlfriends _

"Ew, Chuck, what do you want?" Chuck looked at the face of his step sister as he leaned in the doorframe.

"Just taking in the sights," he said casually, looking around her bedroom.

"Blair doesn't want you here, so just go away." Serena had gotten to her feet and attempted to push Chuck out of her room.

"I'm sure that's why she's sleeping over at my house," he sighed.

"Well, it's a sleepover," Serena snapped. "Not everything's about you. I am her friend, you know. And just because the building is owned by Bass Industries doesn't make it yours."

"It does when I turn 18," he smirked.

"Just go," Serena finally succeeded in propelling him from her room.

"Love you, sis," he said over his shoulder, plotting the next time he would catch Blair alone.

_Well I know, I need, I feel we're going higher and higher  
Well I know, I need, I feel we're going higher and higher_

_I got a girl  
I got a girl  
I got a gir_l

"I thought you said you were done," Chuck said defensively. Blair showing up spontaneously did nothing for his sanity. She drove him insane. He wanted her so bad and it tore him apart when she routinely left him in the dust.

"To quote a certain self absorbed narcissit," she said, "we're inevitable." Chuck couldn't agree more as he took her in his arms again.

_  
And she's got a guy _

Chuck glared across the room. It wasn't fair. It never was. He had everything and Chuck had nothing. He watched in disgust as he placed a kiss gently on Blair's cheek. Too bad for him. He and Blair were inevitable. It was only a matter of time.

He was sure he was going to win this one. No one wins over a Bass. The more time he spent with her the more chemistry and old feelings came rushing back. He knew she could feel it to. He could feel it in her polished fingertips as he held her hand.


	3. Mr Brightside

**A/N**: I hope this piece isn't too confusing. There are different points of view and a flashback within the present, so be kind. I _love_ The Killers and this song has always reminded me of the love triangle. Its sort of present/ future fic/ AU. Just read and see. I hope the ending isn't too disappointing. I seem to be doing a lot of song fics lately and a lot of Nate POV. I don't know, I guess its a phase. Review if you like. Gr, and I can't keep from some of the script from being centered so sorry if its annoying, because its _really_ annoying me. I wish I knew how to fix it. Sorry.

**Summary**:

"Tell me the truth," he glowered at her. "You know that you haven't thought of him once, the entire time you've been here."

"That doesn't matter," she shook her head.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own GG, but OMJC, CHUCK SAID HE LOVED BLAIR. If only he would actually say it to _her_. This fic goes along with the song Mr. Brightside by The Killers (awesomest band ever.) All rights go to their respective artists.

_

* * *

_

_I'm coming out of my cage  
And I've been doing just fine  
Gotta gotta be down  
Because I want it all  
_

I was fine. I was fine withuot her. I was fine before she turned my whole world upsidown. Now I'm trapped. I don't know how I got here, but I'm trapped. I'm trapped with her, I'm trapped without her. When I'm with her, I'm trapped in this flurry of emotions that I can't escape. I'm stuck. My heart could break any second and yet I keep on going. Being without her is worse. And I have to see everything. Everything that kills me to see.

But I have to be strong. I know one day that we'll be together. Not because we made a promise, not because of the way she looks at me across the room when she's with them, but because we're inevitable. That may not sound great, but it's the most romantic thing I've ever said to her, I'm sure.

I could leave. I could leave this all behind, but I just can't. It physically pains me when I'm not near her. That's not right at all. I could leave her and she would go on her life without being subjected to me hurting her countless numbers of times. She could be safe. It would be easy. But it wouldn't be me.

And that's why I'm here. I want it all. I want her and I'm not ready to let her go. Ever. I never will be. I'm here. And as much as it hurts to see her away from me, I'll get what I want.

_It started out with a kiss  
How did it end up like this  
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss  
_

Time froze. He couldn't move, couldn't breath. It looked like she was trying for the same. He didn't know how long they stood there just staring at each other. Her eyes were so enigmatic. He could stare at them forever. He could stare at her forever. He could be like this forever. With her.

Time was, he would have had no part in this at all. He would still be blazing a trail through all of the elite women of the Upper East Side, possibly the eastern seaboard. He even had a few shipped in from foreign countries. And yet, she was at his suite, in his doorway, saying nothing and yet, saying everything.

It was November. He remembered because her birthday was two days later, when all of this started. Nate was a distant memory. If only it could be like that now. She sidled up to him, pressing her lips gently across his. It was only a kiss, yet it started everything.

It was only two words, yet it made her trust him more than she could ever trust anyone else.

"You sure?"

So he took her. It was only a kiss, yet it made him fall in love with the most impossible woman. Impossible because in present times, his best friend was in love with her.

He took her anyway. He would have her whenever he wanted, wherever he wanted. Multiple times in the limo, behind closed doors at parties.

She was here again. This time it was different. She was chained to someone else, but still a slave to her own emotions. Like him. They couldn't control what was going to happen here tonight. The chemical reactions between them were so strong, fighting it was futile. No matter how hard they tried to stay away from each other, there really wasn't a point anymore.

Chuck's breath hitched in his throat as she hesitantly walked through the door, closing it behind her. They stared for several more moments. She did it again.

She pressed her lips gently across his again. It was only a kiss. Yet it started everything back up again.

_Now I'm falling asleep  
And she's calling a cab  
While he's having a smoke  
And she's taking a drag  
_

"You're leaving," his smooth voice grated. Blair finished buttoning up her shirt. Her back was to him. She couldn't look at him. Couldn't admit that she was falling for him all over again and 100 times as hard.

"I have to," she said finally. She hadn't realized that he had left the bed. Chuck swept the hair from her shoulders so her could mutter in her ear.

"Leave him," he husked.

"I can't," she said, turning towards him.

"Tell me the truth," he glowered at her. "You know that you haven't thought of him once, the entire time you've been here."

"That doesn't matter," she shook her head. He grasped her wrist as she turned to walk away.

"It matters to me," he insisted. "Stay."

"Not tonight," she disagreed.

"Who says you're even coming back?" he bit back harshly. He wanted it to sound like he didn't want her to come back. That was a complete and total lie. He would never have enough of her. She heard that in his voice.

"The same thing that made me come here tonight," Blair answered honestly. "Because we can't keep away from each other any longer."

Chuck leaned back across his pillows as the sound of the door closing signaled her retreat. He pulled the desk draw open savagely, taking out his golden case that resided there. He clicked it open, revealing something he hadn't looked back on since he came back from Bangkok.

He lit it, inhaling the sweet fumes and let sleep over take him. She was right. She would be back. And he would let her, much to his destruction.

_Now they're going to bed  
And my stomach is sick  
And it's all in my head  
But she's touching his-chest  
Now, he takes off her dress  
Now, letting me go_

_And I just can't look its killing me  
And taking control  
_

It was like a nightmare. He had most certainly been here before. Watching the love of his life and his best friend recede into a dark room. Like Cotillion. Like right now.

Chuck wanted to vomit. Maybe it was the excessive amounts of alcohol swirling around in his system, but he most definitely wanted to be sick right now.

Chuck put his cold glass against his pounding head, willing the images to go away. Her touching him. Him taking off all her clothing. It should have been him. It was always him. Nate never cared for Blair the way Chuck would for the rest of his life.

He couldn't look. If he looked, he would be thinking of all the other things they could be doing. He would be thinking of things he did with her himself. The things he wished they were doing right now. Instead, he was wallowing in self pity and loathing.

He ordered another scotch. He just needed to let go.

_Jealousy, turning saints into the sea  
Swimming through sick lullabies  
Choking on your alibis_

Chuck seethed. He could actually feel his insides churning. He was going to be sick again. He hated how she had such control over him. Ironic, really. All she wanted was control over her entire life and the only thing she had control over was him. And she didn't even know it.

He was face to face with his best friend and he was lying. He was lying about how "it was nothing." Nate retorted with "its always something." If he knew, why was he here? If he knew his girlfriend was in love with someone else, why did he need to ask Chuck if it was true?

Because he wanted proof of his best friend's betrayal, that's why. Before, it hadn't mattered much. Blair had broken up with Nate and Nate had cheated on her with Serena. What Nate did was worse. Not anymore. Blair was implicated.

Chuck was lucky he was smooth. He could lie outlandishly but convincingly without breaking a sweat. Nate knew this, but could never tell what was the truth and what was fiction. Too bad for him. Chuck always dominated.

_But it's just the price I pay  
Destiny is calling me  
Open up my eager eyes  
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside  
_

Blair put on her best society smile. It was the best she could do. Chuck just stood glaring from the corner, customary glass of scotch in hand. He wanted to hate her. He did hate her. He knew. He didn't. He never could. Even when she was spinning around the ballroom with that blonde excuse for a lover, he could never hate her.

He loved her. He hated himself. How could he just sit idley by and watch her play him like this? Because he knew the truth. She let him do things with her that she wouldn't dream of accomplishing with dear Nathaniel. She told him things in the quietest of confidences that even Serena wasn't aware of. He was her confidante. Her lover. Nate could never hold up to that.

That didn't stop his painful envy tear him apart from the inside out. He knew he possessed Blair in a way that Nate never could. That wasn't it. He just wanted to be able to be everything with her. He wished he could be her society boyfriend. But he was Chuck Bass and he just didn't do that. He just hoped loving her would be enough. That didn't seem right at the moment, though. Because right now, she and her blonde prince were dancing far too close together.

It would be alright. He knew the inevitability if the situation. He could be patient. He didn't want to be, but he could for her. She was his destiny. He would wait.

__

I'm coming out of my cage  
And I've been doing just fine  
Gotta gotta be down  
Because I want it all

"I get it," Chuck snapped. "I'm just a convenience to you."

"That's not it," Blair protested.

"Then why don't you tell him what's really going on?" Chuck asked desperately.

"Because I didn't know it would come to this." She was starting to get emotional. After that, he was gone. He couldn't take tears on a Waldorf.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he demanded darkly.

"I didn't know I would fall in lo--" she stopped herself short.

"Why stop there?" Chuck asked. "You said it before."

"To have it thrown back in my face," she answered angrily.

"I was doing fine before you," he growled. "Look what you've done to me. I'm betraying my best friend for you."

"Well don't let me make you do anything you don't want to," she spat defensively. "I'm leaving."

"All I wanted was you and you can't even give me that," he yelled after her.

"Because then its real," she said tearfully. "Then I have to actually admit to myself that you can hurt me more than anyone."

_It started out with a kiss  
How did it end up like this  
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss  
_

"Come here," Chuck said darkly.

"You don't want me," Blair refused.

"You only want me when you have someone else better up front," he countered.

"I want you and I'm trapped where I am," she confessed.

"Then come here," he said again. "Prove that I'm not just second best." She proved it. Over and over again.

_Now I'm falling asleep  
And she's calling a cab  
While he's having a smoke  
And she's taking a drag  
Now they're going to bed  
And my stomach is sick  
And it's all in my head  
But she's touching his chest  
Now, he takes off her dress  
Now, letting me go_

Contrary to popular belief, Nate is not completely stupid. He may be cluless at times and doesn't really get subtlety or why scheming is so important and enthralling for _some _people, but there are some things that are just blatantly obvious.

Its all in the details, which he has never been very well versed in, but its pretty clear when your best friend looks at your girlfriend like that. So in this instance, Nate completely gets it.

Chuck is just standing there, taking drags from his hash, or whatever illegal substance in indulges in today. Blair sends him a look of disgust but that's always been there dynamic, hasn't it?

Nate doesn't exactly see it, but he knows its there. He sees her playfully touch his chest and how he eyes her when he thinks no one is looking.

He doubts Blair would ever cheat on him. After all, why would she do what caused her so much pain to begin with? But Nate knows his best friend incredibly well. He never really understood why someone like Blair could fall for someone like Chuck. Maybe that's just his charm. Maybe Blair would, because some things are just inevitable, no matter who you're dating.

_Cause I just can't look its killing me  
And taking control  
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea  
Swimming through sick lullabies  
Choking on your alibis  
But it's just the price I pay  
Destiny is calling me  
Open up my eager eyes  
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside_

Nate never really gave much thought about destiny either. He seems to be taking time on these speculations more and more. He feels the green claws of jealousy ripping his heart apart. They are both good at deception but Nate still knows. Chuck said he let her go. So did Blair. But there's just something about their personalities that draw them back to each other. Nate can't get in the way anymore. It doesn't seem fair. They never had a chance.

He won't step back for Chuck, however. Chuck is trying to steal what Nate had to begin with. But he begins to understand the agony of being in love. The agony of loving someone who isn't allowed to love you back.

This is just Karma, he's sure. For all the cheating and stupidity. Or maybe it really is destiny. Whatever that means. Either way, he won't be pessimistic about this. He'll try to make light of the situation because he knows without a doubt that he has never experienced the things that those two have. He doesn't know what its like the feel the constant pull of a past lover, so strong that you forsake all logic.

_I never...  
I never...  
I never...  
I never..._

Nate has never felt that way. But he's beginning to think that's what's different about all of this. He's not meant to be with Blair. He's beginning to understand that. He can't even begin to understand her. Why she is the way she is. Chuck, however, seems to know instantaneously, with no effort whatsoever.

Nate's never felt this way, but he's beginning to understand. He probably will never know the magnetism those two possess. Never. But catching a glimpse of them kissing with such passion that its hard to see anything else is something he wants to experience. He never will know what that's like. But he's beginning to want to.


	4. Self Esteem

**A/N: **Sorry about everything being centered. I tried fixing it but it didn't work. Another song fic. I know, what a surprise, but there are just some songs that are awesome and are in need of interpretation. For some reason, I keep writing in Nate's perspective. This song is more meant for his POV anyway. Its really just him on his deteriorating relationship with Blair and noticing Chuck. This is sort of AU, or maybe its just a future fic. I don't know. I'm not really positive of my writing ability at the moment, but if you like it, please review.

**Summary**: She tasted even worse of scotch. Not to mention that, she smelled strongly of another man's cologne. The same cologne that stuck to a certain scarf that hung around a certain neck.

Disclaimer: I don't own GG, or the song Self Esteem by The Offspring. All rights go to their respective authors.

* * *

_I wrote her off for the tenth time today  
And practiced all the things I would say  
When she came over I lost my nerve  
I took her back and made her dessert  
_

Nate glared at his beautiful and perfect reflection. He knew it, so why couldn't she? Why couldn't she see how perfect he was? Perfect for her? That was it. This was the last time. He was sure of it.

He was going to tell her that he couldn't take this anymore. He practiced his lines in the mirror. He practiced when he heard the knock on the door. He practiced as he walked over to answer it. He practiced all up until the point where he saw mascara streaked down her face. He knew it was over then.

If anything, Nate was dependable. She gazed at him imploringly, as though she were asking him to save her once again. Save her from the darkness that overcame her light. He knew he had to take her inside. He couldn't leave her like this. He would tell her tomorrow. Yes, that was it. He would tell her tomorrow how he hated how he knew she was using him.

"Come on, Blair."

_Now I know I'm being used  
But that's okay man cause I like the abuse  
I know she's playing with me  
But that's okay cause I've got no self esteem_

There's that smile again. The smile that he's seen. The smile that he hadn't figured out what it actually meant until recently. That deadly smile.

Men have surrounded her and she knows what she wants. She artfully flips her hair while the men around her in the bar stutter and offer to buy her drinks.

But one of them doesn't. One of them just coolly looks her over as though he is undressing her with his eyes, while still projecting the image of nonchalance. When her devious smile turns to him, somehow it's real. All Nate can think of is how it isn't him.

Nate aproaches her, afraid if tonight is one of those nights where she decides to bite his head off.

"Blair," he asks. He doesn't like how his voice is almost exasperated.

"Nate," she grins and throws her arms around him. He tries to convince himself it isn't for the benefit of the Devil standing right behind him.

"I was wondering if I could buy you a drink," Nate said as charmingly as possible.

"Of course," she says as she puts a hand on his thigh. Whoa. But as she talks, he can't help but think how her gaze isn't even on him. It's on the one who's attention she has never been able to shake. The one whom she can't ignore. It's not like he can't see it. He knows when she looks at him, she's really seeing someone else. That's okay. She's the best he could get anyway.

_We make plans go out at night  
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light  
this rejection's got me so low  
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so_

Nate drummed his fingers lightly on his thigh. He wasn't really the type of person to wait around just for a call, wait for anything. Maybe he was. Maybe that was just the effect she had on people. On one person in particular.

He glanced over to the digital clock to see that it was indeed 2 in the morning. Still nothing. Blair had stood him up once again. No doubt after something better had come up. More like someone better.

He made up his mind. This time he would tell her. He was going to tell her he knew how this was and he wasn't going to do it anymore.

Who was he kidding, though, really? He can't remember how his self respect plumetted so low that he lets this high class girl take advantage of him. He used to be better. He used to have every girl on the Upper East Side wanting after him. Unfortunately, so did his long time best friend turned rival though still best friend. He couldn't understand what the appeal of a boozing, womanizing, indifferent, narcissistic pig was. But then again, he didn't even know what was so special about him anymore, either.

Sure he was gorgeous, althletic, and rich. He was perfect. But wasn't she perfect as well? He wanted her. But all she wanted, it seemed, was self destruction. She seemed to want the one thing that was bad for her. The bad influece that had taken Nate's place without him even realizing it.

What was the appeal of that? Nate didn't even know anymore.

_When she's saying, oh that she wants only me  
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends_

Nate saw her for the first time in a long time. She looked happy. Happy in a way he knew she could not be when she was with him. Because that was why she was trying to let him down easy... right? It couldn't be because there was someone else. Someone as dark as her, as snarky as her, as deceptive, manipulative, and conniving as her... right?

"Blair," Nate tried to stand up for himself.

"Archibald," she greeted lightly. Nate seethed inwardly at that word. It was the word only one other person used in greeting and he hated her for it. He hated it, because at that simple use of his surname, he knew exactly what was going on.

"I haven't seen you in a while," he mused.

"I've been busy," she replied, as though she had that answer prepared in advance. Almost as though it were the truth. Almost.

"So you haven't met anyone as charming as me?" he grinned. He hoped it hadn't fell flat like it did in his head.

"Of course not," she said a little too hastily, but highly convincingly. "There's only you."

Yes. He used to think that. But that was before he received the ultimate betrayal by the people he loved the most.

_When she saying, oh that I'm like a disease  
Then I wonder how much more I can stand  
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself  
But I really think it's better this way  
The more you suffer  
The more it shows you really care  
Right? Yeah!  
_

Nate was getting really tired of these mood swings. He thought he was done with her. She ditched him again. Then she said there was only him. But here she was screaming at him. Again.

"What's with all of the questions, Nate?" she asked angrily. He was actually somewhat relieved. Recently she had taken to calling him "Nathaniel," another name that made him seeth when he heard it come out of her mouth. But her anger and her reversion back to his nickname obviously meant something. She was in a bad mood for a reason.

Blair shot him a condescending and almost violent look. She was obviously having a bad influence. He wished he could forget about it, but he just couldn't.

"I can't take this," she screamed. "You're all over me. What the hell is your problem?"

But he knew what hers was. Her problem had everything and nothing to do with her, wearing a patchwork scarf and riding a black stretch limo.

Nate had learned to keep his mouth shut. If she saw that he was really trying, she would actually take him seriously and stop dumping him for someone else every chance she got. If she saw that he was actually trying, she would care more... wouldn't she?

_Now I'll relay this little bit  
It happens more than I'd like to admit  
Late at night, she knocks on my door  
She's drunk again and, looking to score  
Now I know, I should say no, but  
It's kind of hard when she's ready to go  
I may be dumb, but I'm not a dweeb  
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem_

Nate's insides dropped as he heard the tired knock on his door well past midnight. It could only be one person. He didn't even have to check who. He slowly propped the door open, revealing her. Her face was down cast to the floor, leaning against the door frame for suport. She reaked of scotch. Of course she did.

Blair looked up into his eyes with her darkened and smudged ones. He couldn't let her in. He couldn't let her do to this another time. But he did. She was his weakness. She fell into his arms, kissing him furiously. She tasted even worse of scotch. Not to mention that, she smelled strongly of another man's cologne. The same cologne that stuck to a certain scarf that hung around a certain neck.

"Blair..." was all he could think of to say. What he meant to finish with was _I can't let you keep treating me like this, it's not fair._

What came out, however, was something completely different.

"Are you alright?"

"I will be," she almost slurred. Almost. She was an elegant lady, and elegant ladies don't slur and they most certainly don't get drunk. But that's what bad influences did. They broke hearts and led to inebriation. He wondered why she kept doing this. Maybe they were more alike than she thought. Maybe she couldn't let go of that one person because she was like him... trying to grasp at any human contact at all.

As she walked in, head held high, he knew better. It was exactly that. It was because she just _was _better. And better people could do whatever the hell they wanted. At least, that's what he knew she told herself. That's why, for her, true love and heartache were the same thing.

_When she's saying, oh that she wants only me  
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends  
When she's saying, oh that I'm like a disease  
Then I wonder how much more I can spend  
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself  
But I really think it's better this way  
The more you suffer  
The more it shows you really care  
Right? Yeah!_

Nate didn't know why he was following her. They had another screaming match once again. She called him disgusting things. He had never followed her before. He didn't know what compelled him to now. He knew the answer right as he stepped outside to see that limo and a certain smug best friend of his leaning against it.

Blair through her arms around Chuck's neck, kissing into his smug smirk. He pulled away slightly to whisper something husky and seductive that Nate couldn't hear into Blair's ear. She just laughed at whatever he had said, like nothing had happened at all in the last two minutes.

And Nate realized it. He was being played. Blair was using him. As much as he thought he believed it, he had never actually known it until now.

Whenever Chuck would upset her or get too much for her, she would run back to what was safe and easy. But in a matter of hours, her better nature would seduce her back to the dark side, right back into Chuck's arms. Where she belonged.


	5. Sometime After Midnight

**A/N**: Okay, I started this MONTHS ago and I finally finished it but neglected to submit it since I'm not really sure how good it is. But I'm submitting it anyway because I was one of my first ideas since it's such a Chair song. This may have been done a lot but I'm doing it anyway. I'm sort of proud of the ending so tell me what you think.

**Summary**: He could almost see the white slip that was under the dress that she left behind. He could almost feel the satin sheets of his bed underneath both of them. He could almost feel the haze of ecstasy that accompanied every night with her.

**Disclaimer**: Don't own anything except the excitement that there's two days until the finale!

* * *

_And it starts sometime around midnight_

_Or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two,_

_As you stand under the bar light_

_And the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while_

_And the piano's this melancholy soundtrack to her smile_

_And that white dress she's wearing, you haven't seen her for a while_

Chuck didn't see her come in. He honestly didn't even think she was coming. His life was now just a blur of society parties and gatherings. Every one he had a different model on his arm. They were always blonde. He didn't know why but for some reason he just couldn't stand looking at brunettes the way he used to look at her, not that it would ever be the same. She was it, and he knew it. That made losing her all the more painful.

Chuck just leaned against the bar, scotch in hand, drinking his sorrows away, not that anyone would notice. Chuck Bass always drunk, it didn't matter the occasion. He didn't see her walk in because he was facing the bar. Supporting his habitual drinking was all he loved at this point. He couldn't take anything else. The entrance was behind him. He couldn't have noticed her.

Chuck was dateless tonight. Or rather, he didn't have some blonde model hanging off of him for publicity. It's not that he couldn't get one, he just didn't need one. The party was at a bar. A high class bar, but a bar nontheless. It was Nate who had dragged him here, trying to convince him to stop feeling sorry for himself.

Chuck hadn't seen her for a while. Usually, how he operated he would find her weakness and exploit it. It may not seem romantic, but that's what Blair responded to. He knew her as well as he knew himself. He also knew it was the only way he knew how to show affection. They were both messed up that way. Two abused and masochistic peas in a rich and privildeged pod.

For the first time in his life he had no snarky quip to greet her with. No wit to perfectly match hers. He was tapped out. He felt vulnerable. He had nothing to barter with. His only leverage would have been telling her that he loved her. Well, he already did that. She still left him.

Not that Chuck liked defending Blair's actions, but in her defense, it really wasn't her fault. Eating disorders would ruin a lot of relationships. So do evil uncles who try to steal your money and destroy everything that you care about. He just didn't have the heart to see her again after what he did. Still, that didn't stop the fact that he wanted her back. And it wasn't like she just up and left him, either. They both contributed the the destruction of the only thing worth while in Chuck's life. He only knew how to push people away, not forgive him. He was just wired that way.

Nate told him it was a good idea to come here. Chuck would rather be drinking himself into a hole back at The Palace. Nate was lounging against the bar while Chuck faced the bartender. He didn't like his ice to get lonely.

And this was why he didn't see her come in. He really didn't think she was coming. At was past midnight and Serena was already here. But the band struck up some depressing note and Chuck turned. She was there. She had already found her best friend. She flashed her signature sugary grin. Only Chuck knew what was really underneath.

_But you know that she's watching_

_She's laughing, she's turning, she's holding her tonic like a crux_

_The room suddenly spins, she walks up and asks how you are_

_So you can smell her perfume, you can see her lying naked in your arms_

With drink already in hand, Blair Waldorf spun onto the dance floor with Serena Van der Woodsen. Serena had been here for hours. Chuck didn't understand Blair's sudden whim to join the paty.

Blair's eyes suddenly flickered up to meet his and left, as swiftly as they came. She threw her head back in a trilling laughter. Chuck's heart ached. He missed her... too much. He turned back to the bar and ordered another scotch. He didn't like where this night was going.

He should have been watching the dance floor. Her presence was right next him, where he least expected it to be. The aroma of her signature scent surrounded him. He looked to her as the room started to spin. He hadn't been this close to her in months. It seemed too much.

"Hey." He locked eyes with her. She wasn't a "hey" type of person. Neither was he. What game was she playing?

"Hi," he said awkwardly. Chuck Bass didn't do awkward.

"How are you?" That was it. He knew his father was dead, his uncle had tried to steal billions from him, and everyone pretty much thought he was insufferable, but he wasn't a charity case or anything. Why weren't they bantering like they usually did?

He knew the answer. Things were marginally different now. He didn't like it, but that's how it was. But he couldn't let her see the pain it was causing him to be this close to her and not be able to touch her.

"Slightly drunk," he said offhandedly. He thought he caught traces of a smile at the corners of her lips. God, that smile. It was too dangerous for him. It reminded him too much of... Just too much.

Too many times of them alone in settings just like this one. Too many times of after parties. Too many times of the back seats of limos.

Chuck looked down at her and he could almost see it. He could almost see the white slip that was under the dress that she left behind. He could almost feel the satin sheets of his bed underneath both of them. He could almost feel the haze of ecstasy that accompanied every night with her.

_And so there's a change in your emotions_

_And all these memories come rushing like feral waves to your mind_

_Of the curl of your bodies, like two perfect circles entwined_

_And you feel hopeless and homeless, lost in the haze of the wine_

Chuck could hear the echoes of the memories that threatened to explode in his mind. He hadn't heard the rest of their conversation, or if there had even been one. He could, however, here the hushed words they spoke to each other from what seemed like ages ago. It was ever present in his mind.

"You were amazing up there... You sure?"

"Something this beautiful deserves to be worn by someone worthy of its beauty. I really am sorry."

"On me you would be so much more."

"The thing about true love is you don't just give up... even if the object of your affection is begging you to."

Chuck tried to clear his mind of her, but everything was a haze. He was positive that they actually were in his suite. He was positive they were lying together just by the remaining scent of her. He was positive that he could feel her glossy curls beneath his fingertips. He was positive he could feel her soft skin whisper against his. But then again, he could just be drunk.

_Then she leaves with someone you don't know_

_But she makes sure you saw her, she looks right at you and bolts_

_As she walks out the door, your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes_

_And your friends say "what is it, you look like you've seen a ghost?"_

He was the complete opposite of Chuck. He was blonde haired and blue eyes. He was sober. He didn't own a limo. He wasn't a billionaire. And of course, he was leaving with Blair Waldorf. That made him the polar opposite of Chuck to the highest degree.

Chuck's eyes connected with Blair's. For a second he thought he saw an apology in there, but it was gone in a flash. Instead it was replaced with a satisfied smile. She interlocked her arm with his and left.

Chuck's hands began to shake. He was sure if he held onto the glass any longer, it would shatter. He felt as though his insides were on fire. He was filled with an emotion he couldn't place. It wasn't anger, it wasn't jealousy, it wasn't loss. It seemed to be a combination of every emotion he had ever felt because of Blair Waldorf. She made him something he wasn't before he had her. She made him want to be better for her. But right now, she was walking out that door with someone else. It seemed all so pointless.

He felt Nate come up from right behind it. He noticed how Chuck was pale and shaking. Nate was completely oblivious to the fact that something had changed drastically.

"Are you okay?" Nate said, unsure of what to do. Chuck tried to pull off a smirk but it came off bitter.

"Fine."

_Then you walk under the street lights_

_And you're too drunk to notice that everyone's staring at you_

_You don't care what you look like, the world is falling around you_

Chuck wasn't taking the limo. He couldn't bear it tonight. Not without her. Never without her. In retrospect, this may not have been the most intelligent decision considering he couldn't even walk straight. Nate advised him not to. Since when did Nate know anything? Literally. Nate was just as clueless as Chuck felt. Lost.

Chuck stumbled into the sidewalk. The streetlights seemed a little too bright to be after midnight. He didn't like it. He kept his eyes trained to the ground, making sure he didn't trip over his own feet.

Chuck wasn't like this. He held his liquor. It was his reputation. If he wasn't the Chuck Bass who had a liver of steel, who was he really? Cars seemed to slow as he passed, but he didn't pay attention. He didn't even know where he was going.

This wasn't him. This didn't happen to Chuck Bass. Especially not because of a girl. But Blair had always been the exception. He drew a shaky hand through his already unkempt locks. That's when he found himself in front of her 5th avenue penthouse. Figures.

_You just have to see her_

She glared.

_You just have to see her_

She screamed.

_You just have to see her_

She cried.

_You just have to see her_

She kissed with vigor.

_You just have to see her_

He wondered which one of these would occur when he actually opened the door.

_You know that she'll break you in two._

He didn't care. He just kissed her fiercely.


	6. Smile Like You Mean It

**A/N**: Another Killers song. I really love them and I think it shows. This song is one of my favorites and it sort of always reminded me of Chair, especially with the "East Side" referrence. It just fit. This is also a little different than my other ones. The italics are obviously the song lyrics while the bold italics are things that the characters are saying, but they're lyrics from the song. So everyone is basically just saying what the lyrics are.

**Summary**: And someone will drive her around  
Down the same streets that I did  
On the same streets that I did

**Disclaimer**: Nothing's mine. All rights go to Gossip Girl and The Killers for theur amazing song that I couldn't help but use.

_

* * *

_

_Save some face _

_You know you've only got one  
_

Blair never liked her appearance. She was never as sunny and bright as the best friend. She was always comparing herself to the one person she could never become. She didn't used to do that. She used to be happy... for all of five minutes. But once your own mother looks down on you and starts telling you how she wished you were more like the blond goddess, your morale tends to go down slightly.

Blair tried not to think that there actually was one person who loved what she looked like. He loved her for her. But she couldn't really dwell on that. Not here. Not now. Not when she wasn't with him. Because, more than anything, she wished he could give her the comfort that he so effortlessly gave to her.

Their dark eyes met in the mirror.

He smirked.

"_**Save some face**_," he had said. "_**You know you've only got one**_**.**"

_Change your ways _

_While you're young_

Chuck was always self destructive. Like father like son, apparently. Bart never showed it, but Chuck knew exactly what he was going to turn into. That was why he never wanted to fall in love.

He knew it was his father's weakness. He loved with his whole heart one irreplaceable woman, and she was ripped from him. Technically, Chuck was ripped from her, and therein lied her fatal flaw. That was why Bart hated him. Chuck killed the only woman he would ever truly love.

Bart spent the rest of his days flitting from models half his age until he met a prominent gold digger who, in the end, would end up trading down for a half priced hustler, leading to his father's untimely demise.

Not that Chuck was totally faultless, but it was nice to blame someone. Someone who he could eventually actually evict from one of his buildings because Chuck inherited them and Lily never thought of moving out of the house that she shared with Bart. Classy. Real classy.

There was only one person who could understand what it was like to have your life spiral out of control. Hers did every day. She was just better at pretending everything was alright when, to him, it was so obviously not. And like him, she noticed it right away. Everyone else on the Upper East Side was too brain dead from bleaching their hair or just being an Archibald that they didn't see.

"_**Change your ways**_," she pleaded as he drank himself into a coma, "_**while you're young**_."_  
_

___Boy_

___One day you'll be a man_

_Oh girl_

_He'll help you understand  
_

_Smile like you mean it  
_

_Smile like you mean it _

Bart's mission in life, really, was to extend him empire. It didn't really matter that he had a self destructive teenager on his hands who was really only trying to get attention. Bart in essence, thought he was worthless.

But even the least maternal man on the face of the earth cared at least a little bit about the fate of his only child. His only son. The heir to Bass Industries. That's what he really cared about. Outside appearances. It wouldn't have mattered if they lived on any other place on the planet. The Upper East Side was all about appearances and Chuck had to become worth something someday.

Blair already knew. Chuck was already a great person. He was the most loyal and dedicated person when it came to something that mattered. His father was just too self absorbed to notice.

Blair write the book on self absorbed parents. One continually forgot her birthdays and the other ran away with his model lover without a moment's look back.

But she was the only one. No one could stop the wrath of Bart.

"_**Boy**_," he sighed with disappointment. "_**One day you'll be a man**_."

Chuck just gave a tight smile, never letting on how it stung. Then, he drowned himself in alcohol.

He was fooling himself into thinking that there would come a day when he would geis father's approval.

Serena may have been brain dead about some things, but it was blatantly obvious when Blair was no longer speaking to her about things that mattered. Blair no longer confided in her about the horror of her mother or the neglect from her father. That duty now fell on someone else's shoulders. Serena was a fool that she didn't see it before.

She realized this when she saw her best friend sprawled on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. Serena didn't have to ask. But she knew she couldn't help. Not anymore. There was only one person who could and Serena didn't understand why. He was an indifferent jerk, but somehow, he got Blair.

That's what motivated Serena to pull Blair out of her slump and say to her comforting, "_**he'll help you understand."**_

Blair smiled with understanding, while at the same time, knowing that Serena was the one who could never _really_ understand what it was like to be alone._  
_

_  
Looking back at sunsets on the East Side  
We lost track of the time  
Dreams aren't what they used to be  
Some things sat by so carelessly  
Smile like you mean it  
Smile like you mean it  
_

That summer seemed to have fixed everything. An admittance of those three words and she just accepted him back with open arms. She shouldn't have. She should have spit his words right back in his face.

He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve her. After everything he had submitted her to, all she wanted was proof that what he felt for her was real. He couldn't even do that in the moment, but somehow, she accepted it three weeks later.

He had never been more petrified in his life, but when she looked up at him with those deep, dark eyes of hers, he knew he was finally home. She accepted him for who he was in the way that no one else ever would. And he knew it.

But that summer was gone. The summer where passion reigned supreme. No one doubted what they felt for each other because it was clearly written across their faces and bodies. There didn't seem to be an criticial mothers or judgemental psuedo siblings. There was just them.

Now she was gone. She was with some old family name now and there was not one thing that he could do about it. He was stuck.

She wasn't happy.

That much was certain.

He could see it. As clearly as if she had told him. He could just read her too well.

She was bored to begin with. He just wasn't up to her level. He didn'tdeserve her. Chuck wasn't sure that he deserved Blair either, but at least he knew what it was like to love with all of his being. Never holding back.

It was that day where he found the ability to speak to her again. Where she was truly suffering in the presence of someone she forced herself into loving to avoid the fact that she was missing the one person that was irreplaceable.

"Waldorf," he said smoothly as she put on a forced smile for a joke that wasn't even funny. "_**Smile like you mean it**_."

_  
And someone is calling my name  
From the back of the restaurant  
And someone is playing a game  
In the house that I grew up in_

Chuck didn't live life. Not really. It was a fake life. He just went through the motions of living, knowing really, that the only time he ever felt truly alive was when he was with her. So he answered when someone recognized him in restaurants, because everyone knew who Chuck Bass was. He dismissed them easily, knowing the only way he would ever really respond was when that cool voice would utter, "Bass."

So he visited that house that was now inhabited by the van der Woodsen- Humphreys. The one that his father had for them. The one that Chuck now owned.

He knew he could evict them. He should. The point was that he just didn't care enough. Not anymore. Apparently when she walked, she took all his emotions with her. Even the ones he had before she came along. Anger. Contempt...

That was pretty much it. He was always the wronged party. This was his house and he was letting other people live in it. And he just didn't care._  
_

_And someone will drive her around  
Down the same streets that I did  
On the same streets that I did _

Chuck cringed. He hated that car. That Town Car that she flippantly let herself be chauffeured in. It wasn't even hers. There was one vehicle that was hers. And it belonged to him. It would always be hers.

Because even though she was with _him_, and let _his_ driver drive _her_ around, Chuck knew better.

She already claimed a vehicle. And it was a black, sleek, stretch limo. She claimed it from the first time she let the fire consume them both.

Chuck used to take her around with him. They used to succumb to each other in the back in the way no one ever had before. And now that poor excuse for a man was trying to replace him. With a Town Car, no less.

Smile like you mean it  
Smile like you mean it  
Smile like you mean it  
Smile like you mean it

Blair knew that look. It was the look of pain. She had accustomed herself to it quite well. There he stood, in the middle of the event, his jaw clenched in that way she found strangely alluring. It was pure Chuck Bass. No one looked like he did. And it made her immediately forget the drone that she had come with.

And in an instant, she left him. It took her all of two seconds to make that decision.

Chuck was trying to keep the facade like she had. But like with her, she could see through him. His smile wasn't true. He wasn't with her.

When she looked upon that dangerously beautiful face, she couldn't see anything else. And that was what smiling was. That was what happiness was.

It was Chuck Bass.

So she kissed him and huskily whispered, "Bass, _**smile like you mean it**_."

He kissed her back.


	7. Hello

**A/N**: So I'm really sure if anyone's even reading these anymore, but whatever. This song is "Hello" by Evanescence. It has a really dream like quality to it. I'm not really sure how that happened. And the characters might seem a little OOC, but I'm defending that by saying its Chuck and Blair when they're alone together, so they would be sweet with each other.

**Summary**: Blair decided that it didn't happen. It wouldn't have made things so complicated. But maybe that's when things did get out of control. Maybe she fell a little bit in love with Chuck Bass then.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. All rights go to Gossip Girl and lyrics go to Evanescence.

_

* * *

_

_Playground school bell rings again  
Rain clouds come to play again  
_

Blair used to love to play outside. Serena was always the one that pushed for it. She was the wild child. The free spirit. Blair liked it, but then again, she didn't. She was being something she wasn't just for the benefit for someone to like her. Even if it was her best friend.

And that was how she spent her life. Pleasing other people when what really mattered was what she wanted. Only one other person saw that. But she didn't see him. Not yet. She couldn't.

For some reason, Blair enjoyed the rain. Her clothes would be completely ruined by it but there was an element of chaos that made Blair feel like she was in control. No one knew what this was. They would all roll their eyes at her antics. They all couldn't understand how it made her feel alive inside. No one except one person that was just as chaotic as her.

She met him for the very first time amidst the rain. Serena wouldn't go in it. Her mother was bringing home a new step father and she wanted to look presentable. Maybe this time, this one would stay. But Blair knew better.

She knew better than her mother's claims at her father's "business trips" when he didn't come home with any bags. He just came home smelling of cheap alcohol wearing his open collared shirts. Blair always knew better. But no one else seemed to.

Her father being away, her mother didn't see any reason for her to be looked after. Dorota was always there anyway.

Once again, Blair found herself in the middle of the chaotic down pour. And yet, she found a sort of peace. She held something that no one else could. She never had that feeling before. And that's when she saw him.

No limo in sight. His dark hair matted down by the moisture. No father. Just like her.

"Hello. You're alone," she mused. He looked upon her as though he was about to think her distasteful. But then he thought better of it.

"So are you," he replied.

"I'm always alone," she shrugged.

"No you're not," he disagreed. "I see you all the time with that overly friendly blond girl."

"You can be surrounded by people and still be completely alone," Blair said wisely. The boy looked upon her with curiosity.

"That's true," he said. "So why do you pretend?"  
"Its better to pretend," she told them. "Because then you can fool yourself into thinking you're not so alone after all.

"I've always been alone," he offered.

"Then we have something in common," she replied.

"Not anymore."

And he smirked.

She didn't know what that meant.

"I have now."

Blair couldn't help but agree with that. At least he understood her.

"I'm Blair," she said.

"I know."

"You watch me?" she asked curiously.

"You're more intriguing then the rest."

"No one has ever watched me before," she said, more to herself.

"Then I'm the first."

"I like it," Blair said. "Maybe you'll always be my first."

"I'm Chuck Bass."

Blair relented.

"I know."

_Has no one told you she's not breathing?  
Hello __I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to  
Hello _

Blair hadn't returned to that playground for awhile. She had forgotten she had liked the rain until she saw those two dancing at the Sheppard Wedding. She had said that she was good at pretending. She was even apt in fooling herself successfully now. Because she had to know they weren't having sex in the next room... she just had to.

She had forgotten she liked that he was her first. She had forgotten that he knew her. She didn't know that he was watching her outside. It wasn't a downpour, but it was still comforting. While her boyfriend and her best friend were consorting in a bar, she was, as always, alone. In the rain.

"Hello. You're wet," he remarked on the patio.

"You are very adept," he returned, surprised that his comment was quickly followed by a lewd smirk.

"He doesn't know," Chuck said.

"Know what?"

"You know..." he replied. "You don't breathe around him. Don't you think that you should?"

"I don't have the time."

"Right," Chuck sighed. "You're too busy being the perfect girlfriend."

"Its the only way," she said faintly.

"What about you?"

"What _about_ me?" Blair asked.

"Don't you want to be happy?"

"I am happy."

"Not from where I'm standing," Chuck said dryly.

"What do you know?" she snapped.

"Everything," he returned just as quickly. "I see you."

"I want to breathe again," she replied.

"That's good," he said. "The first step is admitting you have a problem."

"I hate it when you do that, you know," Blair said sharply.

"Do what?" he asked, though he thought that he already knew.

"You make me laugh at the most obscene points in time."

"Its all a part of my charm."

"Chuck," she said quietly.

"Yes."

"I wish I knew," she said. "I wish I knew where the real me started and ended. I don't know where my mask ends and I begin."

"You need someone to talk to," he said, not sure if he was going to regret this or not.

"I can't," she said sadly. "Everything is fake all around."

"I'm not," Chuck said, realizing a second too late where this was going.

"Are you volunteering for the post?" Blair smirked.

Chuck decided he liked the rain more than he thought he did. The drizzle made her hair curl. It was more real.

"Waldorf," he reiterated, "we've always spoken the truth to each other. We just never admitted it."

"Well I'm admitting it now," she replied.

"I guess we're officially friends, then."

"Good," Blair sighed, smelling the damp air. "I want to be able to breathe again."

_If I smile and don't believe  
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream  
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken_

Chuck was the first to know about Blair's father. He always really knew, but it was obvious when he was really gone for good. No one noticed. And he knew it was killing her. Especially since her deceitful best friend had fled in the same breath.

"Hello. You're smiling again," he told her as she sat primly next to Nate. Nate had yet to notice anything other then when to get his next score of weed. Typical. It was called balance.

"Because I'm happy."

Chuck lowered his voice so no one could hear. "No you're not."

She was angry with him after that. But that was part of their agreement. He would always tell her the truth. And she was always the one to tell him things that no one else knew. She told him her darkest secrets because he didn't judge. And he never would. Because anything she did, he was sure he did ten times worse.

"Don't cry," he whispered in her ear as she lay slumped on the bathroom floor.

"I'm numb," she said honestly.

"Good," he said. "That's the first honest thing I've heard from you all day."

"I have to be happy," she told him.

"You don't have to be perfect all the time," he said. "You're perfect the way you are."

"I'm not sleeping with you."

He snorted.

"You're the only one who can do that, you know," he admitted.

"What?" she asked.

"Make me laugh," Chuck said. "Make me laugh for real."

"Then I'll admit," she said. "You do the same for me."

He pushed her damp hair away from her face.

"I wish you would do it already," she said.

"What?"

"Make a move on me so I'm not so tense preparing myself for it," she smiled slightly.

"I don't do that to women I respect," he told her.

"How many are there of those?" Blair rolled her eyes. He looked deep into them, holding her in his gaze.

"Only one," he whispered.

Blair decided that it didn't happen. It wouldn't have made things so complicated. But maybe that's when things did get out of control. Maybe she fell a little bit in love with Chuck Bass then. It was detrimental to her psyche.

"I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up from this nightmare any minute now," she whispered as though it were a secret.

"I wish you wouldn't," he said. "Then I'd never see you again."

"You're only honest when you're alone with me," Blair said, pretending that last part sort of didn't happen.

"You're the only one who sees me."

_Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide  
don't cry _

Blair was the only one who knew about Chuck's mother. Everyone know that she died but even Nate didn't know that she passed in childbirth. Blair knew it killed Chuck. That's why he wasn't fond of celebrating his birthday. It was the eve of his mother's death. And he blamed himself for it. He was like her. He suffered in silence, taking his pain out on himself.

She didn't like it. It wasn't fair. From the moment he was born. He didn't deserve it. But it was what he got. And he hurt himself every day for it.

Blair stepped quietly into his room. It was his birthday. Tradition should show that he would drown his sorrows in scotch and hopefully give himself liver disease. But the other unspoken tradition was where Blair would turn up. Just like he did when her own father left. But no one really knew that. How could they? They wouldn't understand.

Blair laid down on his massive bed beside him. He gave no sign of life, no sign that he was even aware of her presence. But she knew that he was. He always knew. Always.

"Hello."

"He's not here," he mumbled into the covers. "He never is."

Blair didn't respond in words, but neared him on the bed. He didn't have to say his father's neglect tore him up inside.

"You're okay," she promised him.

"I'm really not."

"You are," Blair said confidently. "Because I say you are."

"And who would I be but to denounce the Queen B?"

"You have a right to hide today," she said. "I don't know how you do it. Keep that facade up every single day."

"You do it too," he reminded her.

"Not like that," she said softly. "Never like that."

"Waldorf?"

"Yes."

"Am I worth it?"

"Elaborate."

Chuck didn't know how to. He knew what he wanted. That much was for certain. Nate didn't deserve it. He didn't know what he had. And he wasn't going to get it anymore. It wasn't fair. None of it was.

"What if I kissed you right now?"

Blair was silent.

"Its a simple question."

"It has implications," Blair said admittedly. "And yes, I think you're worth it. Never let anyone make you feel less that you really are."

"You should take your own advice."

"You don't have a shiny best friend who has an addiction to the limelight."

Chuck didn't want to say that, yes indeed, he actually did.

"So are you going to let me kiss you or not?" he asked in irritation.

"Oh," she said. "that was an open invitation?"

"It was more like a suggestion."

"I'll think about it."

Chuck was in the middle of telling her to think fast because he hadn't gotten any action in days when her hot mouth was on his and she literally stole the breath from his body.

"I have a boyfriend," she reminded him.

"Not really," he whispered. "Not for a long time."

Blair was in the middle of having Chuck probe his tongue in her mouth when she realized that she didn't ever want him to stop.

_Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping  
Hello I'm still here  
All that's left of yesterday_

Blair forced her fingers down her throat for the eighth time that day. She knew she had to stop. She was getting frantic. Nothing was happening. She needed to purge her feelings but it also drove her insane how no one even noticed.

Blair's breathing became labored as she went to the sink. Her movements became crazed as she knocked over bottles that were on the counter. That certainly would have alerted someone's attention but that wasn't her intention. She could feel herself unraveling.

Then she could feel herself being held together by familiar hands. They were the hands that always held her together. The hands that she would be lost without.

Blair sniffed and turned in his arms, purging herself in the healthy way. He laid her down on his silken sheets, lying next to her the way she always did for him. Always.

"Hello. Am I sleeping?" she asked drowsily. He was just glad he came home in time before she actually could permanently hurt herself. He was always just in time.

"No," he breathed into her hair. "You're awake. With me."

"Good," she replied. "I don't want you to go away."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I feel like I'm fading," she said after awhile. "Do you think that I am? Am I still here?"

"You always were," he said, tightening his grip around her. He never wanted her to leave him.

"You're the only one who made me feel that way," she said. "Make_s_ me feel that way."

"The worst thing you've ever done," he said reminiscently, "the darkest thought you've had. I will stand by you through anything."

"And why would you do that?" she breathed.

"I guess I love you," Chuck sighed mockingly.

"I think I believe you."

"Look," Chuck said at the window. "Its raining."

"Hello," she greeted the rain.


	8. Past the Point of No Return

**A/N**: So this is sort of a combination of what I've been doing lately. It combines my song fics and my past life fics. This is basically an historical AU but a song fic at the same time. Its Phantom of the Opera's Past the Point of No Return. I know that there is already another fic about Phantom, but I was thinking about this song and how it was so Chuck and Blair and this whole thing just came to me. So its pretty much 2x07 Chuck in Real Life, but historical. And it doesn't end in that lame way it did. I also put this in my song fic and In Another Life. Quotes taken from GG and Phantom.

**Summary**: What sweet seduction lies before us?

**Disclaimer**: Nothing is mine characters and quotes

* * *

_You have come here  
In pursuit of your deepest urge,  
In pursuit of that wish, which till now has been silent,  
Silent . . ._

There was no doubt that Chuck was a predator. He would prowl for her because he knew. From the first moment he saw her, he knew that he would dominate her. It may have sounded callous and domineering, but he would have her. Dwelling in her decadent grace, it was any man's dream. But it was more than that for him.

Society proclaimed that it was not the way. As a man, he was allowed to visit prostitutes and destroy virtue as he saw fit. She on the other hand, had no such luxury. And that, he knew, was why she stayed away from him. She lay in the comfort of her handmaiden's company while at the balls men would vouch for her hand.

There would always be that look. She would dance and she would socialize. Diamonds would adorn her neck and her hair would be in the latest fashions. But she wasn't like the rest of them. He knew that since the first time he saw her. She had a fire in her that Chuck was sure only he was in the possession of. Her eyes would slide to his when no one was looking. And he would see her, the woman that no one else saw. And he liked it.

She wouldn't let him near her. She must have known that her demise was in the form of him because it was. The first time their hands touched, it was electric. And he knew what it was like when she was alone. She was trying to convince herself that he was evil. That he would corrupt and ruin her. But the real secret was that they were the same. No amount of fiancées or perfect suitors could smother and suppress her deepest urge. It was coming and it was only a matter of time before it erupted. And he wanted to be there. He wanted to be there to feel it.

They were alone now. The ball had long since reached its completion. He didn't know why, but it was obvious that tonight was a night unlike any other. The stars hummed their agreement and he felt an energy down in his bones that he had to comply with.

And there she was. Her gown was a violent red that reached the floor. He could only imagine the heaven that lay beneath it.

"I know why you're here," he said with his predatory smirk, circling her like a vulture. She didn't follow him with her eyes like some wounded animal. He crossed her front again and she just looked. No expectations. She was just looking.

"Enlighten me," she said finally.

"You have come in the pursuit of your deepest urge," he said roughly. "Up until now... it has been silent. But its been there."

"You don't know what my pursuit is," she said. This time it was her who was sizing him up.

"Enlighten me," he echoed.

"I have a proposition for you."

_  
I have brought you,  
That our passions may fuse and merge _

Chuck didn't fall in love. Love was dangerous. Love ripped your heart out. And yet, that woman made it seem like it was worth it. That was how she had her suitors bending over backwards for her. Well he wouldn't succumb to her... no matter how much he wanted her to succumb to him.

It was a little much. Since she had told him her proposition, he had realized that it wasn't much of a proposition at all. It was her asking a favor of him. And that just wouldn't do. He wanted to get as good as he gave. And that was good. And only one woman could measure up. She knew it, too.

"What am I doing here?" she had asked. She was hovering in his darkened doorway. This was the only way they could meet. In the dead of night. She couldn't bear to ruin her reputation by even being seen with him, much less having improper conversations alone with him where she shouldn't be.

"I have brought you here," he told her, "to refuse your proposition."

"Why?" she demanded. That was very unladylike of her. She would never let anyone hear her like that. She was uninhibited when she was with him. And it was only a matter of time. "It wouldn't be difficult for you. You do it all the time."

"Not as part of a proposition," he reminded her. "I do it for sport."

"You are truly the most heinous man I have ever laid eyes upon."

"I'll take that as a compliment," he said wickedly. "And you didn't let me finish. She's not worth it. She doesn't have a very high status. Taking her for _you_ would mean that you would have to give me something in return."

"Impossible," she replied. "I won't do what you're asking."

"I was going to ask if you had any suggestions..." he hinted. "But it appears that you already have one."

"I don't."

"No," he disagreed. "You do. Its what your beautiful mind has been thinking for some time now. As have I."

_In your mind you've already succumbed to me  
Dropped all defenses  
Completely succumbed to me  
Now you are here with me:  
No second thoughts,  
You've decided,  
Decided . . ._

"Are you afraid?" he asked.

"Don't you dare make assumptions," she snapped.

"My, my," he husked, nearing her dangerously. "I have gotten under your skin. I wonder what this low grade girl has done to incur your wrath."

"She has to be destroyed," she replied. "She is threatening my status. You must destroy her."

"I have my condition," Chuck replied coolly. "And the matter of the fact is, its a done deal."

"Excuse me?"

"You have already succumbed to me," he replied in his low tone, nearing her so she was between the wall and him, trapping her with his arm. "You've already decided. As soon as you knew you wanted her ruined, you knew the person to do it. You knew how to get it out of me. You decided then and there. And you've decided now."

"And what makes you think this is true?" she asked shakily.

"You wouldn't have let me get this close anyway. You know what's about to happen. You know how it will end. I will win... and then so will you."

Her dark eyes never left his. He slid his strong hand up her neck, putting his thumb to her chin.

"You look so fragile," he said to her ear. "One motion and I could snap your neck."

"No you couldn't," she disagreed, heat searing from every syllable.

"Aren't you the least bit worried I'll succeed?" he asked curiously. She was far too stoic. He knew that she wanted this. She had as good as decided. But he had to wonder.

"We have an accord," she said begrudingly. But he knew her better than that.

"Oh," he said, almost licking her ear. "We have a deal."

He let her push past him in attempt to make a quick escape. It didn't matter. In a small matter of time, she would be his.

_  
Past the point of no return  
No backward glances:  
_

It would begin tonight. He could feel it. He had laid down all the groundwork and it was to be tonight. He didn't know why he was looking for her. It was just another chance for her to change her mind. But he knew that she wouldn't.

Red was a good color on her. She donned it again tonight, but in a different style. And he would enjoy every moment of peeling it off of her.

"Tonight," he said gutturally in her ear. She stiffened slightly and backed away, not wanting to be caught in the precarious position of consorting with a known playboy. She had a reputation to protect. Then again, so did he. He followed her.

"No backward glances," he told her. "It will happen tonight."

"You are so sure," she whispered curiously.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because she could reject you."

"She won't."

"I am," she replied simply.

He smirked. "Not anymore. Not after tonight."

_The games of make believe are at an end . . ._

He was right. The conquest wasn't much. She was easy to take down, too. Usually society women had some class. Then again, her status wasn't as overwhelming as some. The pleasure was waning. When he was done, he was done.

He stood in the corridor. She was no where to be seen. He didn't even have the tranquility that usually followed. He felt apprehension. He was finally going to get something that he had wanted since he could remember.

Tonight was an ending. But it was also a beginning. He didn't fall in love. He didn't chase after one woman. He saw their bodies and not their entrancing minds. It would figure that this would be different. One last girl before entering the final threshold.

She was alone again. She was waiting for him. He approached from behind her, knowing that she was unaware of his approach. He put his hand on the back of her neck, holding her strongly there. He felt her strain underneath his grasp but he didn't move. His other hand descended her hip, holding her against his.

"We're done playing games," he said hotly into her ear. "Ready or not."_  
_

_Past all thoughts of "if" or "when"  
No use resisting:  
Abandon thought, and let the dream descend . . ._

He had to have known it would be different this time. It was always different. Since he had laid eyes on her, he was different. He was just filling the void, passing time until she would inevitably and surely come to him.

"We're past all of this now, aren't we?" he asked as she hesitated in his doorway. He knew it was an act. He knew every inch of her fiery soul and he knew this was true. Her chest was heaving slightly, as though she couldn't process what was happening around her. He had discarded his jacket and was standing in front of her.

His hand closed around her waist, pulling her in. "No use resisting."

"You finished it?" she asked.

"Of course."

"This is good," she replied, pulling away. But instead of retreating for the door, she entered further into his room.

"It could be more than good," he replied. "Just let is all wash over you. Let it go. Abandon all thought."

"You feel as though I have already succumbed to you?" she asked. "That you have already won. I'm the prize?"

"You are so much more."

"And your true plan," she prompted. "To ruin me."

"You approached me first," he reminded her.

"Then I suppose its just fortunate that it would happen this way."

"I always wanted it to end this way."

_  
What raging fire shall flood the soul?  
What rich desire unlocks its door?  
What sweet seduction lies before us . . .?_

It was a clever game of cat and mouse. It had always been that way. He was empty. It had always been that way. He didn't know what was happening. She was resisting but she had agreed to his terms. She was a complete mystery. And she liked teasing him. She liked taunting him. She liked nearing him so he could feel her sweet breath on his face. She stared into the eyes that were so close to his.

"Did you like it?" They were speaking in such hushed tones that they had to be close. "You liked how she came undone with you? She was at your mercy."

"It was pleasant," he nodded slowly. He didn't know what was going through her head or what she was playing at. She was so complicated. Women weren't supposed to be mysteries. They were supposed to be easy conquests. But for some reason, he didn't want to finish it. He wanted to play with her forever.

Maybe she would let him.

"Is that how you want me?" she asked softly. "To dominate me."

"I want you," he said, pulling at her hair that was done up on her head. "I want you. My equal."

"Is that how you see me?" she asked. "Not just some toy?"

"You never were."

"What makes me so different?"

He brushed some locks that had fallen around her face.

"Your eyes," he said finally. "No one has eyes like you. So intelligent. So passionate. I want to play with you forever. No one knows fire like you and I."

"I suppose you know me, then," she mused.

"I do," he replied. "I know that part of you that is me. But that doesn't mean that I know you. You are a mystery to me."

He leaned forward and put his cheek to her opposite one. "I want so badly to unlock you and feel you."

He noticed with satisfaction how her eyes fluttered to the back of her head. She was perfect.

"I want to feel your perfection."

"I'm not perfect," she said contradictorily.

"You're perfect for me."

His hand slid its way to the front of her bodice.

"Don't you want to know?" he asked seductively. "Don't you want to know me too?"

She let him touch her so intimately and that was almost an answer._  
_

_Past the point of no return,  
The final threshold  
What warm, unspoken secrets will we learn?  
Beyond the point of no return . . ._

"I know you want me," he said, his hands closer to her than any other man. She would never have let any other man get this close, touch her this way. And then she realized.

"I want to know you," he was still whispering. "I want to figure you out. I want to find you from the darkness."

Her eyes were closed.

"Are you there yet?" he asked.

"Where should I be?"

"Where I am," he said into her neck. All he let was his breath brush against her collarbone. But it was more sensual than anything she had ever experienced.

She knew where he was. She didn't know if she could follow him. She didn't know if she should anymore. What was proper and right dissolved into a sea of want and desire. She couldn't see anything anymore.

"I want you," she finally admitted. He pressed his lips to her neck and she knew she was where he was. Like he wanted. Where there was no going back.

"I want you to make me feel alive."

"I can do that," he said in affirmation. "I can make you feel anything. I can make you say anything. I can make you do anything I want."

"I'm there," she said breathlessly. "I'm past the point of no return."

_  
You have brought me  
To that moment where words run dry,  
To that moment where speech disappears into silence,  
Silence . . ._

Blair could feel his scorching eyes searing into her. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't. She knew the terms. She agreed to give something to him that she had never given to anyone else. No other man could possess what she had finally admitted to herself that Chuck possessed. It was her being. She could get married, bear children, have estates and titles, but no one would possess her like he could. No one ever would. No one could ever knew her like he could. And she didn't want them to.

His warm hand scalded the porcelain flesh of her neck. She knew he liked to do that. It made him feel in control. He may have thought that he could hurt her, control her, but it was the immediate information that they were both in possession of that they knew different. She was just like him. She was powerful enough that she could snap him in half too. They completed each other and it was in this instance that she could no longer ignore it.

She turned to face him. It was dark out. She was glad for the retreat of the rest of the court. Not just because it would ruin her reputation. But mainly, she didn't want anyone to see something so dark and private that she shared with another human being she couldn't take it. She couldn't speak. She could only stare. And he could only do the same.

They couldn't speak. There was no need when you could practically read each other's thoughts. There was no need to voice the deep set emotions that were about to run rampant. There was only silence. Silence.

His hot body enveloped hers and she knew she was gone. His scent overwhelmed her and all she could do was submit to his powerful will. She was not being dominated or defeated, but more they were just in possession of each other. The fire would burn them both and they reveled in it.

She let his breath caress her own lips as his fingers dug into her shoulders, not letting her move. His kiss was a beginning. It was shocking and eliminated everything that she had in the past thought was right. His kiss was bruising. He had a force to him and she knew that without a doubt she could match him in full.

_  
I have come here,  
Hardly knowing the reason why . . .  
_

She knew where his room was. She always had. It was something that receded to the edges of her mind as though it were beckoning to put it to use one day.

She knew that he had won. Technically. But it wasn't a bet. It wasn't a game. No, that was over. It was an excuse. And excuse for her to set free something he had awakened in her so long ago. From the first time their eyes had met, she had known that he was different.

He wasn't like the rest of them. He wasn't proper and asked her politely for a dance. He gave demands. She hadn't known what to do but to just submit to his forceful will. There wasn't anything like it.

He would gamble and drink. He would bring to bed any woman that was able. But when he looked at her, she felt different. She didn't feel the need for a proposal and titles. She felt the need for him to touch her. She wanted him to breath life into her because she didn't know any other way. She felt empty. There was no point to this life. Just going through the day of the mundane.

Then he had to ruin everything for her. He made her want things that she never should have wanted. He made her be something. Something worthy of him and something that she altogether hadn't realized existed. And he made her his. He marked her. She could belong to no other man because no other man was him.

That was why she was at his door. She thought. She really wasn't sure. She shouldn't want this. She couldn't want this. You only lay with your husband. But he made her want his approval. She wanted to impress him and make him tremble the way he did to her.

The door slid open with practiced ease, revealing the devil inside and his lair. And the strangest thing was... she wanted it.

_In my mind, I've already imagined our bodies entwining  
Defenseless and silent  
And now I am here with you:  
No second thoughts,  
I've decided,  
Decided . . ._

He receded into the darkness, letting her follow him if she so wished. He was giving her a choice. The devil was giving her a choice. Then again, he was right. She had already decided. She had decided months ago. She had decided when the girl had to be ruined. She decided the moment she saw him. She would give her whole self to him. And he would accept.

Her heels clicked subtlety on the floor of his room. She saw his discarded jacket over a chair haphazardly. Like he didn't care about appearances at all when she knew in fact that he had probably took time to make sure it looked lazy.

It was his scent, she decided. That was what in the end had reeled her in. He was so intoxicating. She couldn't understand it, couldn't process it. It was utterly confusing. She didn't do this with men. If anything, she let him kiss her hand and just send them on their way.

Then... there were the dreams. They would plague her forever in her mind, urging her forward with something that seemed so utterly wrong that she just had to do it. She would feel his heat around her, devouring her with such a hunger, all she could do was bite back.

She could feel him. The way she wanted him. They way that she didn't have him yet. Her fantasies. Sprawled on her own bed, he would stretch out before her, pulling her in for a kiss. Her lips would scald from his taste, driving her wild with a passion she didn't know existed. He would throw her down, her head thrown back. She felt like she was caught in this drift of slow motion, his hands braced on either side of her. Him pulling on her lips with his own. Her hands would clutch at his collar.

She could already imagine their bodies entwined.

"No use resisting," he husked in her ear. She could already feel him. How he would violate her with his touch. How it was a violation that she would welcome gladly because she was just like him. She would dwell in the evil and the darkness because that was who they were.

"No second thoughts."

His hands were on her. And she wanted him to feel her.

"I've decided," she told him.

And her imagination would soon become real.

_  
Past the point of no return  
No going back now:  
Our passion-play has now, at last, begun . . ._

"Are you going to play games with me?" she asked as his hands descended her bodice. His adept fingers toyed with the strings that were holding her together.

"You've destroyed her. What now?"

"What we both want," he said in a sultry whisper. "I may play games, and I may play games with you. But I never play them against you."

They were both breathing heavily, but still fully clothed. Just being in this furnace of emotion was burning them through and through.

She steadied herself by laying her hands on his neck. They were so close and yet so far. They were still miles away. And all it would take to join would be one final motion.

"There's no going back now," she knew.

"Are you afraid that I will leave?" he asked.

"Would you?"

"Not now," he swallowed heatedly. "Not ever."

She didn't know why there were beads of sweat rolling down her shoulder blades. It couldn't be that hot. When when she touched his skin, she sizzled. She gloried in the sparks that fired through both of them._  
_

_Past all thought of right or wrong  
One final question:  
How long should we two wait, before we're one . . .?  
When will the blood begin to race  
The sleeping bud burst into bloom?  
When will the flames, at last, consume us . . .?_

She backed away from him now. His hands clutched for her fingers as she slid from his grasp.

"How long am I to wait?"

She knew this took him by surprise. She was doing her best. She had to put on a cold facade to protect herself from him. She didn't know what he was feeling, how he was taking this. This was so overwhelming for her and she didn't know what it meant to him. She could just be another one of them. Foolish enough to let him enter them so passionately just to be left in the dust a few hours later.

"Wait..." he murmured.

"Do you enjoy torturing me?" she asked.

"You've been torturing me forever. I have coveted you when I had no right to. And I won't end this tonight. I can't."

There was her answer.

"You've made me wait for so long," she told him.

"If you thought that was long," he said pulling her towards him again, "you have no idea what you're in for."

Then it happened. His scalding kiss and she was back on his bed. She let him kiss her once and they were horizontal, shuddering as the moments swallowed them whole.

"I would wait for you," she told him between kisses. His vulgarity and obvious arousal didn't seem to faze her.

"I think I'm on fire," she gasped into his neck when his fingers found their way into her hair. "I feel like I'm on fire."

"I can feel it," he said into her hair. Her nails turned down, piercing him through his shirt.

"I can't wait any longer, either," he told her.

"I want you to consume me."

And he knew he had to.

_  
Past the point of no return  
The final threshold  
The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn . . .  
We've passed the point of no return . . . _

"I'm gone," Blair whispered to Chuck. He stared into her eyes.

"Good."

Their lips met with even more intensity.

It was better than she could have imagined. He roughly pulled at her hair and it spilled dark waves down her spine as her body arched into his.

It was hot and fiery and Blair couldn't contain herself.

His bed.

That in itself should have worried her. A man's bed was a place that she should not be. She was a lady. But she felt his hard body against hers and she just didn't care. He finally tore the laces from her corset and she freed herself from it.

Oxygen couldn't seem to get to her brain fast enough. Chuck was devouring her neck, consuming her like she wanted. His teeth were hard against her soft flesh and her fingers tightened around the back of his neck, leaving a harsh mark.

Teeth scraped against flesh and she was marked for life. Marked as his. And he was hers.

They melted into each other like that was what they were born for. He licked the sweat from her neck and inhaled her sweet scent. It had never been like this for him. He would bed women and then cut them lose. But she was different. Those women were weak. She was strong. She was him. And he was her.

And they burst into flames.

* * *

Chuck: Waving the white flag, are we?

Blair: Not exactly. I have a proposition for you.

...

Blair: You promised to seduce Vanessa. She needs to be destroyed.

Chuck: She's your problem. Humphrey doesn't warrant this.

Blair: The great Chuck Bass is just going to give up.

Chuck: No, no, no. There's no shame if the prize isn't worth it. You can do your own dirty work. There's not enough in it for me.

Blair: Well what if I made it worth it?

Chuck: What are you talking about?

Blair: I think you know.

Chuck: You're not serious. My, my. That girl has gotten under your skin.

Blair: The question is, Bass, will you?

Chuck: Aren't you the least bit worried I'll succeed?

Blair: Do we have an agreement?  
Chuck: Oh, we have a deal.

...

Chuck: Say it.

Blair: Say what? I'll say anything.

...

Gossip Girl: One thing about making a deal with the devil... he always comes to collect.

...

Blair: What took you so long?

Chuck: If you thought that was long, you have no idea what you're in for.


	9. Bang Bang, My Baby Shot Me Down

**A/N**: I wrote this a month ago after watching Kill Bill for the millionth time and it really does remind me of Chair (there isn't a lot that doesn't.) Anyway, I wasn't sure of it when I finished it, but I'm going to submit it anyway since I haven't submitted a song-fic in awhile. I know that there was another fic in "Strings That Bind" that had this song but this is way different and I love that fic so I hope this is good enough. I'm finding that these song fics have a weird dream-like quality to them but w/e.

**Summary**: She was walking towards her penthouse in nothing but a slip and she had yet to feel the chill of the fall breeze. His lovescent was still permeating her flesh from the first time and she couldn't think of anything else.

**Disclaimer**: Nothing is mine. Most is Gossip Girl's. "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" belongs to Nancy Sinatra.

_

* * *

_

_I was five and he was six  
We rode on horses made of sticks  
He wore black and I wore white  
He would always win the fight_

Five-year-old Chuck Bass stood over her six-year-old body. Her dark eyes penetrated his and he wondered how someone so small and fragile looking could look so angry. He offered her his hand.

"Your dress is dirty," he noted. Blair ignored his hand but didn't move form her motionless position on the ground. She sat up and looked at the dirt stains across her white frock.

"Is that why you always wear black?"

"Today's my birthday," he said distantly as though he had never heard her. "I think I should be going to a cemetery today."

"You knocked me down," she reminded him. He snapped from dark thoughts of graves that were never visited and yellow roses to see a little girl with brown hair looking up at him imploringly.

"Will you always knock me down?"

This time he didn't take no for an answer. He grasped her hand and pulled her to her feet.

"I'll always help you back up."

_Bang bang, he shot me down  
Bang bang, I hit the ground  
Bang bang, that awful sound  
Bang bang, my baby shot me down_

The slamming of the door was like a gunshot. It shook Blair to her very core and her body was once again wracked with sobs. His angry words ricocheted around in her mind and all she could hear were his cruel and cutting words.

It was when her face was pressed to the cold tile of the bathroom floor did familiar hands sweep her dark hair from her face.

"Did I hurt you?"

It was always this question, again and again, form the beginning. From the moment she let herself come to him, he gave into temptation. He broke through her barrier and in a simple cry, he had to ask her.

_Did I hurt you?_

He had. She was bleeding and for once, someone cared. He was trying his best to put her back together from the first time he had torn her skin.

In answer, she just touched the angular planes of his face adoringly. She didn't know where this action came from but he closed his eyes and she knew it was the right thing to do.

"Did I hurt you?"

The question still rang loud in her ears.

"I always hurt you," he said, answering his own question. He lifted her up in his arms and she clung to him.

"You came back," she breathed into his neck. He placed her on their bed.

"I always come back," he promised. "For you. I will always come back for you."

He studied her worn features.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked again. She just put her hand to his face.

He closed his eyes.

"Will you help me back up?" she asked. For a moment, he almost looked relieved.

"Always."

_Seasons came and changed the time  
When I grew up, I called him mine  
__He would always laugh and say  
"Remember when we used to play?"_

It was November. She only remembered this for one reason. It wasn't because her birthday was just days away but because she couldn't feel the cold yet. She was walking towards her penthouse in nothing but a slip and she had yet to feel the chill of the fall breeze. His lovescent was still permeating her flesh from the first time and she couldn't think of anything else.

When she reached the doorman, a breeze blew through. She looked at the goosebumps on her arm and knew the cold was coming. But it was this time that she first heard the word in her mind. She heard how right it was.

_Mine._

Blair inspected her 24 year old self in the mirror. She hadn't worn it in awhile. Seven years to be exact. As far as she could remember, it was really the only white garment left in her possession. All the rest she had grown out of . She wasn't really sure if this even fit her anymore. But she still kept it. She kept it because it was the start of her life. It was the birth into something new.

"Perfect."

It was the word he always used. She didn't know why. But she turned in the small white slip and he gazed at it appreciatively.

"Its small," she said, wonderingly.

"You still have it," he said, approaching her from the back. She turned to face him. He brought his hands down to her waist.

"I don't wear white anymore."

"I've sapped all of your innocence," he smirked. His eyes grew distant again. "It's been awhile."

"Since when?" she asked curiously. He met her eyes.

"Remember when we used to play?"

She returned his smile. "We still do."

He felt the soft material between his fingers. He was being pensive again.

"Do you call me yours?" he asked softly.

"Always," she promised. "I always call you mine."

"I'm sorry," he said seriously.

"For what?" she asked.

"For pushing you in the dirt," he laughed slightly.

"Why are you apologizing now?" Blair asked, feeling that sense of uneasiness. Her suspicions were affirmed when his eyes grew distant again.

"In case I never have a chance to say it again."

_Bang bang, I shot you down  
Bang bang, you hit the ground  
Bang bang, that awful sound  
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down_

"I didn't mean it."

17 year old Blair looked up into dark pleading eyes. She wished desperately that he couldn't see the blackness on her face soaked in salt. She huddled in on herself and wished she thought he was lying. She wished he was. Maybe if he really was lying, she wouldn't have to hurt herself like this again. Because if he was truly sorry, she knew this was just another excuse for him to hurt her again.

"Don't."

She wanted to be strong. She wanted to be free of him. The strong voice she had convinced herself of was wavering and it sounded more like a plea.

"I didn't," he urged.

"It isn't different," Blair said slowly, "than any other time. We should have known before any of this started. We should have known how we hurt each other."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," he said quietly, more to himself.

"That's not exactly true, either," Blair said. "You knew exactly what you were doing. And you knew exactly how to hurt me. It worked."

"I used to knock you down," he admitted. "But I would never back from my promise."

"What?"

"I'll always help you back up again."

_Music played and people sang  
Just for me the church bells rang_

25 year old Blair Waldorf shouldn't have expected to see him there. But outside of the church in her white dress as she was about to ascend the stairs, she looked. She looked so hard and so painfully, that her eyesight began to blur.

She knew as soon as she entered one place where she could never feel safe, he would really be gone. It wouldn't be just another drunken spat and out the door. This time, someone else's engagement ring was on her finger and he wasn't there to suffer for it. He wasn't there to care what he had done to her, what he had driven her to.

It was the happiness in her best friend's eyes and the knowing in the small boy with dark roots who seemed to know everything. He knew his step brother and he knew the girl was more lost than she ever could fathom before.

"You're here already," Eric's kind voice said in her ear.

"I shouldn't be," she admonished.

"They're ringing for you," Eric said as she heard the bells chime in time with her broken heart.

"I wanted him to come," Blair said foolhardily. "I thought maybe he would come."

"Why would he?"

"I thought he at least cared enough to watch me suffer without him."

Eric stared after her and her faltering steps.

She didn't see the idling limo across the street.

_Now he's gone, I don't know why  
And till this day, sometimes I cry  
He didn't even say goodbye  
He didn't take the time to lie_

It was only when her husband was out of the house did Blair let herself break down. She would slip into something that didn't quite fit anymore and stare at her reflection. Only when she did turn away would she let the tears fall. She cried hard into pillows that would never smell of scotch and something that she couldn't name.

She was done with her self pity and she was done with wondering what had happened. She didn't know. She hadn't even known because one day he was just gone. But what she wasn't done with was him. She still let thoughts and memories of him float in her muddled mind only to be cried out again. But she surely didn't expect to hear footsteps.

It could have been a hallucination but his smell was just all that potent and his chest was just all that solid.

"Do you still call me yours?" he asked in a dark voice.

"Only when I'm alone," she whispered. "Only when no one can hear me."

"What about me?" he asked. "What about when I can hear you?"

She pulled away and glowered into his eyes.

"What are you going to say this time?" she asked angrily. "That you didn't mean it?"

"What if it was the truth?"

"It's too late," she said in exasperation. "In case you haven't noticed, you're always just too late."

He took a shuddering breath and for the first time, she let herself take in his appearance. If she hadn't known any better, she would have thought that he hadn't aged a day. But she could see the evidence. It was in his red-rimmed eyes and his wrinkled appearance. Chuck Bass didn't do disheveled. Not unless he was like this.

"What did you expect?" she asked breathlessly. "You didn't even say goodbye."

"Because I couldn't," he said. "Because I didn't want to. I never wanted to say goodbye to you."

She shook her head, her dark hair clinging to the moisture on the side of her face.

"What am I supposed to think?" she asked. "You didn't even lie this time. Did I mean so little to you? That what we had didn't merit at least some goodbye. I wasn't good enough for you to lie to my face."

"I never could lie to you," he all but growled. "I never did."

"No," she agreed. "You just shoot me down."

"I didn't want it to be like this," he said.

"It's a little late for that."

He took the band that encircled her fourth finger. "I doesn't have to be like this."

"But it is."

"Its just metal," he said softly, examining it. "Its just a piece of metal. A piece of metal that can easily be replaced with one of my own."

"You didn't come," she whispered. "I looked for you and you didn't come."

"I came," he answered. "I just knew that if you saw me, I could hurt you again."

"You hurt me anyway."

She still didn't remove his touch from her.

"Why did you leave?"

"I couldn't bare hurting you again."

"Then why did you come back?"

He took her hand in his, gently sliding off the ring that barred him from seeing her again.

"How much does this mean to you?"

"Nothing," Blair said instinctively. "This all is nothing."

He gazed at her. "I came back... because I could never stay away."

_Bang bang, he shot me down  
Bang bang, I hit the ground  
Bang bang, that awful sound  
Bang bang, my baby shot me down_

"Blair."

"Yes?"

"Am I yours?"

"I will always call you mine."

"It's an awful sound."

"It's constant."

"Did you mean it?"

"Never."

"Will you pick me up again?"

"Always."


	10. Laid

**A/N**: I heard this song on the radio and immediately "this bed is on fire with passionate love" reminded me of Chair so here it is. I wrote a lot of song-fics in a short time but I think they came out alright.

**Summary**: He wasn't a stalker. It wasn't like that. But there were several contributing factors including alcohol, deceased fathers, and intense women that he was in love with that led him to being arrested and forced to see a shrink.

**Disclaimer**: Characters don't belong to me and the song "Laid" by James (fitting, I know) doesn't belong to me either.

_

* * *

__This bed is on fire  
With passionate love  
The neighbors complain about the noises above  
But she only comes when she's on top_

His breaths heaved from his chest in sharp bursts. His brain couldn't keep up with his body as he acted out of primal instinct.

But it still wasn't right.

Whatever this was, it wasn't right. All he heard was own release as he groaned out, loud in his ears. His eyes strained in the darkness but there was nothing to hear.

She wasn't really there anyway.

He felt her roll off him and he knew this thing was over. This nonexistent thing between them wasn't really there anyway and it broke his heart every time she came to him.

The bed sheets ruffled and he knew she was searching for her clothes.

But he couldn't let her get that far. Not this time.

"Wait," he husked in the darkness, grasping for her wrist. He felt her still beneath his grasp but as usual, it wouldn't help. It never did.

"I have to go," she whispered back.

"You don't."

"Your neighbors might call the cops again," she said, pulling away. He had to swallow his laughter because in any other situation, it would have been funny because it was so true.

Not anymore.

Nothing was funny anymore.

"It doesn't matter," he said, hating the desperation lacing his voice. "None of that matters."

He wasn't talking about the police force that kept giving them warnings but never really did anything about it. There used to be a time where Blair would be mortified that they had noise complaints that Chuck would playfully flaunt at parties.

But they weren't like that anymore and it killed him. She only came sometimes and even when she did, it was full of bitterness. She wasn't really with him. She was numb now and there wasn't anything he could do about it. It had gotten to her and he couldn't stop the disease that was spreading through her veins like a cancer. He didn't think this would happen. Even after that bitter break up that tore them both apart, he hadn't expected her to be like this. He wanted to save her from things that had yet to get to his pseudo-step sisters.

The Blair he loved was fading and the only way they could hold onto each other were the fleeting moments with flesh pressed against flesh. He knew that Blair wanted to save herself as well but she just didn't know how.

As th door closed fatally behind her, Chuck didn't know how either.

_My therapist said not to see you no more  
She said you're like a disease without any cure  
She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore, oh no  
Ah, you think you're so pretty_

It was a court order thing.

He didn't see a psychiatrist out of free will. But he hated to admit that it actually helped sometimes. He couldn't talk to Nathaniel. He couldn't really talk to anyone.

He wasn't a stalker. It wasn't like that. But there were several contributing factors including alcohol, deceased fathers, and intense women that he was in love with that led him to being arrested and forced to see a shrink.

He wouldn't say it was helping. After all, you couldn't cure terminal cancer and you couldn't cure Blair Waldorf. But at least he could talk to someone without his rep being ruined. Even though she had that stupid emotion of pity in her eyes, he could hack it.

"How's your drinking?" Dr. Sherman asked.

Oh yeah. She was also Blair's shrink for eating disorders. Cruel fate liked to fuck with him.

"I'm not an alcoholic," Chuck had been saying dryly since his first day. Maybe in some suburban high school he would be compared to one but this was what he had grown up with. And this was how things were.

"Wouldn't you admit that was one of the contributing factors of your agreement to come here?" Dr. Sherman asked.

_Contributing factors._

It was a polite way of saying how out of his mind he was. He had discovered this when he discovered he had actually let himself fall in love with someone.

Bad move on his part, but it was beyond that at this point.

"Or would that have more to do with Blair?"

"Blair doesn't control me," Chuck said automatically. He still had some pride even though the scotch had eroded it most away.

"Would you really agree with that?" Dr. Sherman asked. Chuck just looked at her blankly. She was unfazed. He wasn't surprised. She had Blair as a patient. "She is the reason why you're here."

"Are you about to wave that patient confidentially clause?" Chuck smirked.

"You know I can't divulge any information I receive from my sessions with Blair," Dr. Sherman smiled back. She understood Chuck which he was thankful for. The last thing he needed was a judgmental shrink.

"So she's still coming?" Chuck asked, looking uncomfortably at his ridiculously expensive pants. He knew she couldn't answer that but he still needed to know.

"Why are you so afraid of loving her?" Dr. Sherman asked instead.

"Because I ruin her," Chuck said. "I'm the reason she had to come back."

"From what you tell me, she makes her own decisions," Dr. Sherman replied.

"I could be making it all up," Chuck said.

"Just because this is a court order doesn't mean you have to not want to come here," she said. "Seeing a therapist isn't a bad thing."

"What I did was bad," Chuck said. "If it wasn't for me..."

"You were under a lot of stress," she said. "From what I hear, the work you do is very time consuming."

"You and I both know that's not why I did it."

"You were under the influence," she nodded. "Which brings us back to your alcohol use."

"I don't have a problem," Chuck repeated. "Everyone drinks like that."

"So it's your society's fault," Dr. Sherman said. "But if it hadn't been for society, we wouldn't be here."

"I'm not a stalker," Chuck said bluntly. Dr. Sherman smiled.

"I was never insinuating that."

"Eleanor did," Chuck replied.

"And what about Blair?" Dr. Sherman asked. "Was Blair frightened?"

"I told you," Chuck said roughly. "Blair isn't anything anymore. She doesn't love me anymore. She doesn't say anything anymore. She doesn't feel anything anymore."

"And why do you think that is?" she asked.

"You mean because of me?" Chuck snorted. "I'm surprised it took me this long to break her. I've done too many things to her already."

"This isn't about you," Dr. Sherman said. "We both know that. You crept into Blair's room that night because you were trying to see if she was alright. Because you love her."

"No," Chuck said shortly. He couldn't even think it anymore. It was too painful knowing that she couldn't reciprocate his feelings.

"The more you say it, the easier it will become to accept," she said. "You love her."

"That much has become blatantly obvious even before I apparently assaulted her," Chuck returned. "I just can't do anything about it anymore. She doesn't want me."

"Has she told you that?" Dr. Sherman asked.

"She isn't capable of feeling anything anymore," Chuck said. "I wish I was so lucky."

"You think she doesn't love you."

"I know it's too late for me," Chuck replied. "I'm just glad that she got out while she still could."

"This isn't a case of unrequited love," she replied. "You told me as much. She loves you very much."

"Maybe she did," Chuck said. "For a little while at least. But I should have known better than ot think it would last."

"Why wouldn't it last?" she asked. "Do you not want it to last?"

"It... hurts every time she leaves," Chuck mustered. "But we can't be together."

"Because of Eleanor?" she asked.

"I'm new money," Chuck laughed bitterly. "I'm okay for a fling but Eleanor wants Blair with someone who can bring more money to the family."

"That doesn't dictate what Blair feels," Dr. Sherman reasons.

"You vastly underestimate the power of matriarchs on the Upper East Side," Chuck replied. "I know what its like to want to please your parents so much even if it won't do any good."

"So what if Blair wants to please her mother?" she asked. "She could still be with you."

"Well she isn't."

"You said so yourself you're still seeing each other."

"It would be called casual sex if I was even giving it that much respect," Chuck rolled his eyes. "But she sure as hell isn't."

"You said you know what she feels," Dr. Sherman says. "When your father died, didn't you do something to that effect? You went to see Blair so someone cared but still pushed her away."

"Eleanor isn't dead."

"So Blair can only act this way if someone close to her has died?" she asked.

"No," Chuck said in frustration. "But this isn't about Blair self destructing. This about her becoming something that she has to become."

"And what's that?"

"She's turning into a cold society matron and that was bound to happen. Now she has to go and find herself a rich husband with a cold marriage bed."

"Do you want to marry her?" she asked. "Is that it?"

"If I were to commit myself to anyone," Chuck said slowly, "it would only be her. It was only ever her. But that isn't going to happen."

"Why?"

"Marriage here isn't about love," Chuck said. "It's about making strong blood lines."

"Didn't your father marry for love?"

"Yeah," Chuck sneered, "and look what happened to him. I killed her and he hated me for that until the day he died."

"That's something we have to get back to," Dr. Sherman said. "We've talked about this. You're not responsible for your mother's death."

"Tell that to my father," Chuck said bitterly. "Oh wait, you can't."

"Did you ever think that your self destruction was a way to get back at your father?" she asked.

"Maybe after he died," Chuck said. "But that was more about me getting through the pain. I'm not self destructing."

"Well you can't deny that seeing Blair like this isn't the most healthiest relationship."

"She's the only relationship I've had," Chuck said. "I'm not going to change that."

"You could stop seeing her," Dr. Sherman said. "You could find something that was right for you."

"Blair is it," Chuck said. "We've never been healthy but passionate. I could never love anyone else. There's no one else like her out there."

"And you don't think that's your obsession talking?" she asked.

"I'm not obsessed," Chuck said. "I love her."

Dr. Sherman smiled. "Well at least you can say it out loud again."

The hour usually went by quickly. Chuck didn't do anything after it. He had to think. The only time he spoke more about his feelings was when he and Blair were actually still in their relationship. It was thoughts like those that made him surprised when he saw her in his penthouse.

She turned at his approach and saw her shuddering with tears.

"I'm pretty," Blair rasped, "right? You think I'm pretty. Don't you?"

He didn't need to say anything as she collapsed in his arms.

_Caught your hand inside a till  
Slammed your fingers in the door  
Fought with kitchen knives and skewers  
Dressed me up in women's clothes  
Messed around with gender roles  
Dye my eyes and call me pretty_

The tranquility never lasted long with them. Maybe if it did, they would be like other couples with holding hands and going to the movies. Maybe if it did, they would actually be a couple. But they weren't. They just weren't. So he watched his beautiful fury morph from her beautiful disaster to her gorgeous destruction, flinging things across the room while tears melted into nothingness.

He let it happen.

He let her demean him because it was better than making her leave. Because if she left, then she would never come back. She would irreparably be some cold society girl that would just turn into some cold society wife. And he couldn't watch it happen to her.

Not this time.

Not ever.

Her screams of anguish ricocheted off his walls but no one would call the cops. Not in his building. Not this time.

"At least my father loves me," she taunted him.

It is a wound that has never healed. Much like her insecurities and her own father's absence. And he's breaking but he saw it coming. When she was threatened, it was what she did. She had to protect herself. He was caring about her and she couldn't let that happen.

He just didn't know why that was. He didn't know why she wouldn't let him love her. But he hated her. He hated her so much he wanted to scream.

But he loved her.

Because right after she said it she did something she had never done before.

Usually she hid beneath herself and never showed her vulnerability. But he knew she was aware of the pain she was causing him. And he could see the remorse flit across her as she continued to fall. And she just wouldn't get back up.

Her footsteps were full of tragedy and reluctance. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't look at her anymore. He didn't know why he kept shredding himself to pieces for her.

But he knew.

As she cradled his face in her palm, he knew. He knew he could never love anything the way he loved her. He looked into her stricken eyes.

"I'm sorry, love," she promised. "You're too beautiful for me."

He was sure this time that was the last time she would walk away from him.

_Moved out of the house, so you moved next door  
I locked you out, you cut a hole in the wall  
I found you sleeping next to me, I thought I was alone_

He had to escape her. It was the only way. It was strange how she broke him but when it was her turn to walk away, he couldn't let her go. He could walk away from her any time he wanted, but when she left him for the greater good, he couldn't watch it happen. He wouldn't.

But this time was different.

It made him violently ill to think that she was changing so much that they weren't meant for each other anymore. But if it wasn't her, there was no one else. He would be totally alone. That wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't experienced what it was really like to have everything.

And have it ripped so wholly away from him.

He had to escape from the apartments that was so full of her that he couldn't see straight.

But he couldn't rid himself of her. She was everywhere. She had walked away from him but he knew he was the one being unattainable. It was healthy that she stay away. So naturally, she didn't.

It didn't help that he couldn't stop seeing her. He saw the shadow beneath her eyes of who she used to be. He wanted to reach out to her. He wished he could save her like he used to. But apparently that wasn't healthy.

He was okay with that. It was okay if he had her in short bursts so he didn't overwhelm himself with thoughts of being without her.

He was doing okay.

Until she kissed him.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

"I told you that you were too beautiful to me," she murmured.

"What?" he asked in confusion.

She smiled bitterly. "You're pulling away."

"Because you pulled away first."

She took a hesitant step away before he grabbed her arm. "What's going on with you?"

Blair shrugged nonchalantly.

"Do you really think you can fool me?" he asked. "You're more transparent than you think."

"Did you ever stop to think that I'm too broken for you?" she asked.

"No," he said bluntly. "You've got it the other way around."

"Don't think like that."

"If you think walking away was the best option," Chuck said, "what are you doing?"

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I don't know what I'm doing without you."

"Don't do that," Chuck said, feeling the tendrils of her manipulation enclose his throat. "You can't keep doing this to me."

"Okay," she replied.

"Okay?" he asked.

"Okay."

It was the next day he realized when she had moved back into the apartment he had vacated.

_Okay, I won't leave you anymore._

Maybe this was better.

It wasn't better when she would call on him at all hours of the night, begging him for the help he didn't think he had the strength to give anymore.

He had to save her.

He had to save her for her own good.

So he locked her out.

It was for the best.

His dreams were full of her sweat and tears. It was so real he could smell her.

And then he did.

He jerked awake to find her slumbering peacefully next to him and he was hit full force with a sense of deja vu.

And he knew it was the first full night's sleep she had gotten in awhile._  
_  
She stirred and their eyes met in the darkness.

"I thought I was alone," he said to her.

"Why do you keep trying to save me?" she asked.

"The answer to that is simple," he said. "It's only three words."

"Why?"

"That's just the way it is," he said simply. "I can't help it. And you're here for that exact same reason. You can't help it either."

"Then you won't turn me away?" she asked shakily. "If you love me... you won't turn me away."

"Is that why you're with all of them?" Chuck asked. "They don't love you so they can't reject you."

"I don't know what you want me to say," Blair said.

"Say you'll stop jerking me around," he answered. "Say you'll stay."

"I promise."

_You're driving me crazy  
__When are you coming home  
Pretty  
Pretty_

He wasn't really sure what he expected. Thinking that this would make things better may not have been the most logical of reasoning. He was still breathless when he saw her and his eyes still rolled to the back of his head. This couldn't be helped. It was how desperate his love for her was.

It was in the moments when he would arrive home before her. He drummed his fingers in agitation across the arm rest of the couch. He wondered idly what it was that she did when she was home without him.

The door would open and he would take her face in his hands, kissing her fiercely. She laughed lightly into his mouth crushing against hers. He loved that sound. She was happy with him. It was something he didn't think that would happen ever again. Her fingers intertwined at the back of his skull and he buried his face in the crook of her neck.

"Did you miss me?" she taunted.

"You drive me crazy, Waldorf," he replied. He pushed her hair away. "So pretty."

Maybe he would marry her.


	11. Without You I'm Nothing

A/N: My first Placebo song fic that I've subbmitted, but I'm written a lot more. This is an obvious repsonse to what happened last week and I wanted to get it out before next week.

Summary: I'm unclean/A libertine/And everytime you vent your spleen/I seem to lose my power of speech/You're slipping slowly from my reach

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, especially Chuck and Blair. Lyrics belong to "Without You I'm Nothing" by Placebo. Awesome band who have the best Chair songs.

_..._

_Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide.  
I'll take it by your side._

It wasn't a lightning strike. It wasn't everything that the myths love at first sight lead you to believe. Because as far as Chuck Bass knew, his infatuation with Blair Waldorf was anything but. Unless of course that he had been in love with her before he even able to commit the act psychically. But he highly doubted it.

It was a gradual feeling. It was subtle that he didn't even realize it until he had to remember how much he cared for his best friend. And betrayal, especially that of wanting to violate his best friend's girl, was definitely not fruitful seed for a healthy friendship. No matter how much those fantasies seemed to be racking his brain when he was alone... in the dark.

Serena had split a month ago. And now he sat on the beach at the Hamptons, the moonlight spilling over the sand, watching the tide rise and fall slowly. He liked it here after dark. He could be with himself without worries about everyone else.

And he felt her take a seat beside him. He knew this was wrong. It was dark on a beach and Chuck didn't really know anything about romanticism but he was sure having sex on a beach was something that fantasies were made of. They named a drink after it.

But he was sure Blair didn't want to lose her virginity on one. And Nate wouldn't be the one to do it anyway.

"I feel... odd," Blair said so quietly, Chuck almost couldn't hear it over the crash of the waves.

"Odd," he smirked, turning towards her. Her dark hair, only slightly highlighted by the summer sun, was tousled lightly in the breeze.

He wondered what her sex hair would look like.

"Any chance I can capitalize on that?"

"Gross," Blair said, rolling her eyes.

But she laughed. And it was the first time he could remember her doing so since the Flight of the Serena.

He waited but she didn't say anything else. She was one of the only people he couldn't read. And he always needed to know what she was thinking.

"So what does this oddity contribute to?" Chuck asked after a moment.

"Do you feel strange?" Blair asked instead.

"Strange, how?" he asked. And then he felt her eyes on him and for a split second, he forgot completely who Nate Archibald was.

"I wish I had a choice," Blair said.

"What would you choose instead of this?" Chuck asked, not liking how he was the only one who reaped the rewards of their society.

"The right to choose who I fall in love with."

And he looked at her, knowing he could interpret the sentence in two ways.

Both ways were very dangerous.

Either she loved Nate and she didn't want to.

Or she loved someone else. And he knew if that was the truth, the both of them would be in trouble.

And he still couldn't move away from her.

_Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide.  
I'll take it by your side._

It was a repeated mantra. It was the only thing that would keep him sane.

She loves Nate.

She loves Nate.

She loves Nate, damnit.

Because even if he made a move, he doubted she would fall victim to it like freshman skanks who had no self respect. And he would never demean Blair like that. He wouldn't be able to bear it.

So he didn't.

He didn't feel for her.

He didn't fantasize about her.

He didn't imagine the very real things he wished he could teach her and do to her. And have her do to him. They were so similar, he couldn't help but think about it. He couldn't help but wonder what fire too people so much the same could have.

Because if her manipulations were any indication, she was a wildcat. And that was exactly what he had to think of to forget her. Scheming was the only thing he could think of to focus on instead of what he was sure he could guess lay under her conservative blouses and pencil skirts.

"What are you staring at?"

Damnit, he was looking at her tights again. They weren't nearly opaque enough to cover what was really under there.

His eyes snapped up to her amused eyes and something irked him.

He hated this.

He hated this feeling of vulnerability and wonderment of what she was really thinking. Like some lovesick school girl. It made him sick.

And for one horrifying moment, he thought maybe she wouldn't mind it. She wouldn't mind him coming onto her like he wanted-- like he needed. She wouldn't mind the dirty and sinful things he wished he could whisper to her. She wouldn't mind the way he treated her. Like something precious. Because it was the fear he had. It was the danger with Blair Waldorf. She trapped you. And Chuck Bass just couldn't be trapped by a woman.

The problem was, he sort of wanted to be.

The moment ended in a snap and he sneered at her in the way he always did. The way that made them comfortable with the familiar territory.

"You can't blame me for those tights not leaving anything to the imagination," he said with practiced ease.

He liked making her laugh.

And he was sure that it wasn't unintentional that her skirt reached up an inch higher than was proper.

"I can blame you for being a scheming perv," Blair retorted.

"But to my recollection, that's why you've enlisted my help," he reminded her.

"Serena's dead," Blair said sharply.

"As you wish," Chuck said, taking his place by her side.

_Instant correlation sucks and breeds a pack of lies.  
I'll take it by your side._

It wasn't the first time. And yet, it was. It wasn't the first time that he shared a look with Blair and knew that social destruction was imminent. But it was the first time it mattered. Because no longer was Nate oblivious and raving about the power of an ice-water bong.

Serena had returned and he was more apt than ever. So Chuck had to still watch Blair making herself sick, knowing he could do something about it. But he couldn't. He just couldn't. Because even though she didn't deserve it, there was a saying. A saying that Serena obviously didn't heed to. The variation of bros before hoes and chicks before dicks didn't really matter because facts were facts. And the fact was Chuck had values and he couldn't cheat with Blair. No matter how much he wanted it. And in any case, he knew the minute that Blair broke up with Nate, he was going to hit that.

Because lying to himself about how he only wanted to sleep with her and nothing else was the only way he could still call himself a friend to Nate.

So he lied.

He lied to Nate when he asked if something was wrong with Blair. He lied when Nate asked him if what he did with Serena was wrong. And he lied everyday when he asked where Blair was. Because even though Nate was so distant, Blair hanging out with the best friend was a disaster waiting to happen.

"Hey, man," Nate said. "Where were you last night?"

_With Blair._

"Being entertained by The Palace's finest."

_Who includes Blair._

"I should have guessed."

_Blair was there._

"I don't know why you even have to ask anymore."

_Blair wasn't with you._

"And to think you would be anything but consistent."

_She was with me._

Because the truth was, Blair hadn't even gone home the night before. And rumors like that destroyed friendships. He should know. He caused most of them.

"Can I ask you something?" Nate asked and Chuck knew something wasn't right.

"Sure," Chuck said easily. But his heart came to an abrupt stop.

"You hang out a lot with Blair, right?" Chuck asked.

Because it wasn't like Nate knew.

"Yeah."

"I just keep thinking about what happened between me and Serena and..." Nate suggested.

"Am I tapping that?" Chuck sneered, only wished he had a reason to be lying.

"Dude," Nate said laughing, but shook his head. "Gross."

And rage filled his chest. Even if he was having an affair with his best friend's girl, he wondered if Nate would even care.

So he just lied some more.

"You don't have to worry about it," Chuck said. "I don't go for the straitlaced and uptight bitches anyway."

Unfortunately, it was the feisty bitches that he actually went for. And Nate didn't know that was exactly what he had.

So walking into Blair's room that night, he wondered what this guilt was. Because it wasn't like he was really cheating with her.

And he walked right in on her.

Blair crossed her arms over the lingerie that she wore to bed, eying him carefully.

"I wasn't expecting you tonight," she said after a moment, very aware of his eyes all over her.

"Well it seems you were expecting company," Chuck said smoothly.

"What do you want, Chuck?" Blair asked. Chuck walked passed her and sat easily on her bed. She surveyed him with sharp eyes but sat next to him. He reached behind her to lean closer to her. He watched her stiffen but she didn't move away.

"Tell me what this is," Chuck persuaded.

"What?" Blair asked stiffly, feigning ignorance.

"You're lying to your boyfriend about us being together," Chuck said. "It means something."

_Being together._

She didn't even protest at the suggestive words.

"You're lying to him too," Blair reminded him.

"Tell me why," Chuck said.

"Because we're friends."

The truth hurt. But the obvious lie made his heart clench.

_Oversaturation curls the skin and tans the hide.  
I'll take it by your side._

It was fitting. Just as slow as they had been sinking into each other, they tore at each other with lightning speed. One minute she was just a newly single girl, his only female friend laughing with him. He was buzzing with apprehension because something had started with them. And it wasn't going to stop.

It happened so fast he didn't realize it before her virginity was bleeding and throbbing before him. And he took it with all the strength he had.

He wanted this to be over. He wanted this nauseous feeling in his gut to stop. He didn't wanted the insecure vulnerable high school boy she resorted him to. And he wished he didn't care for someone as much as he cared for himself.

Because he knew it was only a matter of time before it all exploded in his face. Because something so glorious and perfect was never supposed to belong to him.

It was the first time she allowed herself to fall asleep in his bed did he realize he loved her. He wasn't exactly sure when it happened, or if it had been there all along. And he wasn't even sure what the feeling in his chest was really what was right for him.

He wasn't right for her. He was dark and she was beautiful. But it was in this darkness that he saw in her that made him realize she was it for him. So when her eyes finally fluttered open, he acted blasé and she rolled her eyes, pretending that it didn't hurt when he didn't care that she left him.

"What are you doing?"

It was moments like these where he would find himself in compromising situations like this. But she looked so delectable in that plaid skirt that he had to shove her up against her own bedroom wall. Not heeding to her question, he let his hands venture further up her bare legs. She squirmed for a moment before stopping his hands.

"What is this to you?"

It was exactly the sort of question he wished she wouldn't ask since the previous night.

"You asked why I lied to Nate before," Blair said. "You know the answer. Don't you?"

"I just need to be with you," Chuck said, burying his face in her neck. He felt her shudder beneath him with satisfaction. Her hard eyes cut into him and he felt pain. Pain at what was happening to them because he could already see their destruction happening. He could see his jealousy and her insecurities.

He let their muscles clench and sweat drip from their pores because even though he could feel the pain coming, he could never leave her side.

_Tick tock  
__Tick tock  
__Tick tock  
Tick tick  
__Tick tick  
__Tick tock  
I'm unclean  
__A libertine  
And every time you vent your spleen,  
I seem to lose the power of speech,  
Your slipping slowly from my reach._

Seconds.

Minutes.

Hours.

Days.

Weeks.

...Months...???

He couldn't remember. Time blended together now and he couldn't remember the last time he heard her laugh, scheme, or even cry. Even if she was driven from him and an aura of pain and tears right after her palm made contact with the side of his face.

It had been weeks since Serena had tried to coax him out of his drunken stupor to even try and speak to her. It had been weeks since Nate found the truth with disgust.

Without them, he just sunk deeper and deeper into nothingness. Because she was right. When she put her hands on him and whispered in his ear, she was right. She was his only family. And she had taken that away.

He had nothing left. So half naked girls would flounce through his rooms behind closed doors and people would look down on his depravity, but what else was he supposed to do? How could he survive without her?

In the simple sound of a door closing, he was sure there were just more sluts and call girls to be hanging off of him.

He didn't see that it would be her.

He didn't think that it would be her Blahniks across his floor and her eyes penetrating his but there she was. And the one spark of hope that he never should have had flared through him.

And he knew it could only end in his own heartache. Because he knew. He heard the stories how she went from boy to boy and there were the times where he would attempt to break that up. But all he could handle was swimming in his own pool of alcohol.

She had turned cold with malice. So much that her knew mantle had been The Ice Queen when she transferred to Columbia. Something she hadn't been called since her days at Constance.

"I don't want to be here," she announced coolly.

Chuck just stared at her, taking a swig of scotch. He knew what made her uncomfortable and she deserved as much after everything.

"Serena said you were dying up here," Blair said bluntly.

"And what were you going to do?" Chuck slurred.

She watched him coolly before he noticed something break. Her eyes softened as she walked towards him.

"What are you trying to do, Bass?" Blair asked. He felt a familiar fluttering within him at the name she would only call him out of affection.

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked.

"Why don't you try making it clearer?" she replied.

He didn't mean for it happen. She just looked so beautiful and he hadn't seen her in so long.

Surprisingly, she didn't backhand him again after he kissed her. He pulled away, gaging her reaction. She blinked slowly before she surprised him.

She always surprised him.

She pulled him towards her by the collar of his robe that was his clothing of choice. And he felt her like he hadn't in so long.

His breath was so ragged it was caught in his throat.

With those women, he didn't feel anything. He didn't feel the fire in his heart like he did when he was with her.

She was looking at him. She was looking at him like she was studying him and he knew he was being tested.

"Say something," she demanded after he realized he had been staring at her for five minutes without a word.

But he didn't.

He just couldn't.

So he looked as she pulled his sheet to her chest as though she had been violated.

"Goodbye, Chuck."

They were the two words that never ceased to break his heart. He lay frozen as she dressed and he knew it. He just knew it. He wished he could force himself to say something but looking at her again was rendering him speechless.

With the final look she gave him, he just knew it.

She was slipping away from him._  
_

_You grow me like an evergreen,  
You've never seen the lonely me at all  
I...  
Take the plan and spin it sideways._

He sat in the darkness. Her scent still permeated his sheets as he bathed in her auara. But she wasn't coming back. He wondered what made her weak enough to even come back to him, but he knew that it didn't even matter. None of it did.

She was gone and it didn't matter. Because she didn't know. Not really. He heard her words.

"All I did was love you."

But he was in silence. He was in hatred of himself that he had done this to them. All he could do was try to make find comfort in lying to himself.

"You went up there on your own."

But breaking her heart was the worst thing he had ever done.

She had never seen him like this. She just didn't know. She didn't know how he felt about her. She would look at him sometimes and he knew what she thought. She thought he didn't love her as much as she loved him.

And it was impossible. Because no one had loved anyone the way he loved her. He knew this was true because half of his life had been wiped away. He couldn't remember the life he had before her. It was the only way he classified his life.

Before Blair.

After Blair.

But it was different now. Because he couldn't even remember that time anymore. His life started when she first pressed her lips against his and now that she was gone, it had ended just as quickly.

This wasn't the way things were supposed to be. He was sinking. He was falling. He was failing. They were supposed to be together. She ruined them. He could have fixed it. He could have fixed them.

"We have to see this to the end."

Those were the words stuck in the back of his throat as she spun put of his life again. But he couldn't get it out. He couldn't talk to her when he was whirling with her sudden appearance for the first time.

In his mind, the end was really the end. He would only let them diminish when his own body failed with entropy. Only in his own death would he let them break apart.

And he knocked back a shot and maybe didn't care that it was happening right now if she would never take him back._  
_

_I...  
Fall.  
Without you, I'm nothing.  
Without you, I'm nothing.  
Without you, I'm nothing._

She found him again. This wasn't supposed to happen. For either of them.

He was filled with even more self loathing as he looked at himself in the mirror and could tell exactly the reason why she wouldn't come back to him. And it just so happened that she would happen to come back on the one day he was sober.

"I didn't think you'd be here."

"I live here," Chuck said.

"Yeah, well," Blair said, "I heard you were tearing up the town with heroine chic models."

"For awhile," Chuck said, without being able to stop himself. "But not for long."

"And in any case," she replied as she pushed passed him to the bedroom they used to share. "I thought you wouldn't be exactly coherent."

"Change of pace," Chuck replied, surveying her. "And why are you here?"

"To get my clothes."

His heart cracked.

"I left some things last time I was here."

"Of course."

He watched her flinch at the bitterness in his voice and it gave him some relief from her own cold demeanor. She hesitated in front of the drawer, her hand hesitating on the handle.

"Problem?" Chuck asked with equal coldness, though inwardly he felt hope swell within him. She turned around quickly.

"You know I really thought you wouldn't know I was here."

"Afraid I might try to screw you again?" he sneered.

In more ways than one.

"Worried," she clarified instead.

"Worried," he repeated. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You're supposed to be out getting syphilis or something."

"Please, Blair," Chuck rolled his eyes. "You know I'm more careful than that."

"Well you had the practice," Blair snapped.

And then he said it.

"Jealous?"

He watched her digest. "Don't you dare."

He looked away, feeling it happen again. He just couldn't help provoking her. He just needed to be close to her again.

"You don't get it, do you?" he snapped. She rolled her eyes, finally pulling the drawer open.

"Where are my clothes?" she asked, looking at the empty contents. "Lending them out to your whores again?"

"They're in the closet," Chuck said. "In the back because it tore me apart to even look at them, knowing that you would never love me again. Look around. Look at how I've living. Drinking, boozing. Demeaning, myself with women that don't even compare to you. Can't you see? I'm nothing without you. You've torn us apart when I know I could have made us alright. It had to have been alright in the end. This isn't the way things are supposed to be. We're not supposed to be apart."

It took him a moment before he could interpret that she was crying. Real tears. Tears like that night after she left him for good. Tears that had dried up when she tried to forget him in all those boys. The way he tried to screw her out of his system as well.

They were the same. And he wondered how she could be jealous. She was jealous because he was jealous. But he wondered why he couldn't see that.

"Do you even know what it took me to make myself come here, when I knew you would probably be having your way with the sticks of New York?"

"Does it matter?" Chuck asked.

"Yes, it matters," she said. "Because I actually thought you didn't care about us. And then I see you're sober and actually care what I think of you. I thought we were done."

"Without you, I don't know how else to be," Chuck said. "We can't all be as composed as you."

"You think that's what this is?" Blair asked. "I have to because nothing is like what we were. I never truly lived until you. And you're a fool to think I'm anything without you either."

He decided her clothes weren't going anywhere either.

_Take the plan, spin it sideways.  
Without you, I'm nothing at all. _


	12. Bubblegum

A/N: Placebo song fic and there will be many more because they are just so awesome. I strongly recommend this band as a Chair band because they are just as angsty and the need that Chuck and Blair have for each other is there.

Summary:"When it's with you, we're going to take our time so you can really feel me." "You're disgusting," Blair sneered before stomping on his foot.

Disclaimer: Song lyrics belong to Placebo's "Bubblegum," and Chair is just... you know the rest.

_

* * *

_

_Take this migraine  
__Everywhere I go  
Take the fast lane  
__Everywhere I go  
__Take this migraine  
__Everywhere I go_

From birth, Chuck Bass always had pain. It wasn't really something that could be helped. He was born out of pain and death and naturally it would stick with him until his very own. On some level, he always knew that Bart hated him.

It had become all too apparent on his birthday at Bart's distance. It would become all that apparent that he should be going to that cemetery annually. But he just didn't.

So he became his father in everyway that he wasn't supposed to. At first, it was the drugs. He always had a pension for women but it centered around blondes. His father condemned brunettes and it wasn't until a fateful night of vintage entertainment that he would betray that.

Weed became a vice. It wasn't like he needed it. It wasn't like it had become a persona like with his only friend Nathaniel with a bitchy elite princess always looking on. It was just easier to be mellow when his father's glare seared through him with wrath.

And he became his father.

He would entertain himself with the notion of women while not actually committing. Not yet. And weed turned to alcohol, turned to scotch, turned to flasks, turned to something that he just couldn't name. So he did it.

He made uneasy alliances with Carter Baizen, although he couldn't stand him and watched at the painful advances his friend made towards the girl he was supposed to. Chuck couldn't handle it. He wouldn't for the rest of his life say no to all of the things he wanted to say yes to.

So he pushed away everything else.

It was his first experience with crushed Vicodin on smooth surfaces with wide brown eyes full with emotion that he had never seen before, let alone had a name for.

"I hope you snort your brains out," was her dainty reply as he stared after her little white perfection, unable to comprehend what had just happened.

No judgment.

No wrinkling of the nose that had never experienced fire coursing through like he did. Like he was. Too perfect for words and so untouchable it should never be tainted by anything.

Even though he was too young for words, he knew this was something that didn't have a name. His mind burst with white sterility and he felt it again. It was pain coursing through his head and he knew this was something he would have to carry with him for the rest of his life.

He watched blonde and brunette intermingle in a way that they should never be allowed and he knew it wasn't for him. So he looked at girls that he could violate (though he didn't know the word for it yet) and understood pain was a part of life. It was a part of his life and Blair Waldorf was something he would never deserve.

_Someday  
__Gonna take it slow_

Instead, he got Georgina Sparks. It wasn't really something he wanted to begin with. She was exotic with her wild lifestyle (Even though they were only 12) and disdain for propriety (though he had yet to experience that.) He didn't deserve perfection like Blair Waldorf. So he seduced Georgina (by her practically roofie-ing his flask) and found that his virginity was fleeting and something he should also hold with disdain.

Quite frankly, Chuck was relieved when he didn't get gonorrhea. If there was one thing he learned from his virginity being ripped from him was that Georgina was dirty. And he was lucky they had protection.

Correction.

He was lucky he found his father's condoms prior to the party or he would have bigger problems than some clingy psycho.

His hands were shaking as she flipped her waist length hair out of his face. He barely had to register what had just happened before he fell to the floor. He tried to right the shirt that hadn't even been taken off before trying to find his other clothing.

He looked and saw her piercing, bottomless blue eyes and it was when he was sure of one thing. Georgina Sparks with the most evil piece of trash he had ever known and he was never going to sully his reputation by going with someone like her again.

It was when he decided he was going to have a reputation.

"Thanks," was all he could think of to say.

It was the last time he ever thanked anyone in his life.

But it wasn't even the stalking or that she was a walking advertisement for VD.

It was that Georgina was so disgusting that even Chuck Bass got himself tested. It was his first taste of humiliation and he liked it. Just liked he liked the look of admiration shining in Blair's eyes whenever manipulative minds met.

He never should have gotten that taste.

He didn't remember when it happened. Maybe it was because he always knew in some part of him. Because just as he stumbled out of that vacant room that he realized probably had Georgina and her victim's in it more than once.

He refused to be a victim but that didn't stop Blair's skeptical eyes scrutinizing him and he felt a burn of shame that he couldn't name. She saw right through him in ways that Nate couldn't even fathom.

And he was glad.

"How was your romp in the STD-Fest known as Whore-gina?"

She sneered and Chuck wondered how he had never seen her before.

"That was crude," he said with admiration. She shook her head, her dark locks (rivaling _Whore_-gina's) falling across her shoulders. Nate didn't know he had it so good. "And do you really want to know?"

"I was merely pointing out how you are quickly sinking in my esteem."

"It was over fast enough," Chuck said admittedly. Before she could even shrug and turn away from him, he caught her wrist. He bent to her ear so he could whisper in a deep voice that he never lost. "When it's with you, we're going to take our time so you can really feel me."

"You're disgusting," Blair sneered before stomping on his foot.

He liked it.

_Take this migraine  
__Everywhere I go  
Take the fast lane  
__Everywhere I go  
__Take this migraine  
__Everywhere I go_

Pain was always something that Blair Waldorf was accustomed to. It was in these moments that she wondered what it would be like to be normal. Just common middle-upper class people. Going to lame suburban schools with big taxes. What it would be like to have parents in the same house and a mother that noticed you.

But if she was normal, she never would have met Chuck Bass. Because there just weren't Chuck Basses crawling around Suburbia. Chuck Bass was a special kind. He coined the phrase "Urban Dandy" and wore patchwork scarves and neon sneakers like they were going out of style. It wasn't just the privilege and doors opening to elite social clubs. She loved those things and all of the things that came along with it. But having someone who knew you like no other was something she wouldn't find anywhere else. So she didn't.

And the money was good.

But it didn't salve the pain.

Her throat scorched from the food that came back up and her heart hurt from being ignored by everyone from her mother to her stupid, oblivious, blonde boyfriend. She hated it, she hated herself, and she couldn't think of anything but the pain.

The drugs and money made everything numb and she loved it for that purpose. She wasn't blind to it all but it made it okay. The Nates and Serenas could be humble but they also had parents that cared.

Blair didn't have that privilege.

Neither did Chuck.

But there wasn't any alternative. She loved it here even though it inflicted pain on her she couldn't remember deserving. Because Eleanor ignored her before she ever socially dominated. But sometimes it wasn't just the world she lived in. Sometimes his smirk full of admiration made the pain bearable too.

_Someday  
__Gonna take it slow_

When she thought about it, Nate was sort of a privilege. In her younger days, he was pretty and polite and did things that she asked of him. But he wasn't like her. He was something that her mother approved of and maybe that was why she was initially was still with him. He was something that she maybe didn't deserve but had anyway because her mother wished it.

Thinking back on it, it shouldn't have lasted this long. Maybe she would have left him when she found him intoxicated by the influence of Chuck Bass, or better still, when he and Serena had kept being thrown into intimate situations. Maybe it would have been better when she realized something was terribly wrong.

Because something was terribly wrong. It wasn't that he smoked that terrible weed, hung out with that terrible Chuck Bass, or cavorted with that terribly flirtatious best friend of hers. It wasn't even that she was so terrible that she couldn't impress her mother with even Nathaniel Archibald. It was because she was terrible. She was a mental adulteress even when she didn't know what that word meant.

It had never occurred to her that she and her "boyfriend's" best friend were entirely too close. They plotted together and whispered together and it was only after his sudden deflowerment by Georgina Sparks did Blair realize how truly dangerous he was.

Nothing between them changed, really. But they weren't children anymore, yet they were acting the way they always had done. They still whispered in intimate corners and laughed at dark things that no one else would understand. But more and more she was experiencing this closeness that she had never even felt with Nate.

His closeness was always in her mind as he brushed against her, nudging her towards some social destruction that made only the two of them smile.

And it frightened her.

He frightened her.

"How was your romp with the STD-fest known as Whore-gina?" she asked easily. But even at her smile, she faltered. He was looking at her strangely and it made her nervous.

She was only 13, but there were some things that no one could miss.

"You're crude."

He was smirking and Blair was beginning to wonder why she felt like prey to a predator.

"And do you really want to know?"

It was why she stayed with Nate. Nate was safe. She couldn't risk herself, especially when she pretended not to hear the raucous fights Mother and Daddy had behind closed doors. She had a perfect life. And no one could dispute what they couldn't hear.

So she swallowed like it didn't bother her as she stared him down.

"I was merely pointing out how you are quickly sinking in my esteem."

It was easy with him. Not like how it was easy and boring with Nate, but this felt natural. This easy banter with them felt right where being with Nate felt forced. Even if it was easy.

"It was over fast enough."

Blair truthfully didn't want to hear this conversation. Blair was a lady and ladies didn't talk or even think about sex. Even if it was with Chuck Bass and she was adamantly curious. That was why it surprised her when he caught her by the wrist.

"When it's with you, we're going to take our time so you can really feel me."

Blair took a breath for a second, unsure because there was no precedence for this. He was looking at her and she knew she was looking at Chuck Bass for the first time. She wasn't looking at Charles Bass, son of Bart the Titan. He was his own person and she knew that when he wanted something, he would get it.

So she stomped on his foot.

It was the only way she could divert away from the heat of pleasure rising to her face.

_I wanna turn you on  
Feels like a loaded gun  
Spit out your bubble gum  
I wanna, wanna_

There was one simple male-driven fact based logic that he had always carried with him. What Chuck Bass wanted, Chuck Bass got. And that was that.

That's why he hated himself. He would watch her fold in on herself on the floor of her bathroom with make-up all over her face and wish he could have done something. He wanted something but he couldn't have it.

So he settled.

But it happened so fast, he didn't even know what had happened until it was over. But she and Nate weren't.

At first, it was subtle. He would just let his hand graze hers or sit next to her closer than was deemed socially appropriate. Then Chuck discovered he should have paced himself. He should have never given into his temptations at every given moment. He never had to restrain himself before. But now he had to.

It didn't mean he wanted to.

Soon they weren't soft caresses but turned into words. Words he couldn't handle. Words like _ravish_ that soon turned to _amazing_.

He hadn't meant to do it. He hadn't meant to call her hot when her boyfriend called her beautiful or look into her eyes when her boyfriend looked at the ground.

He hadn't meant to make her boyfriend look bad.

And he wanted her. So he did something he never should have.

Her lips were undulating under his before he knew what he was doing. But it really wasn't him. She made the first move. And second. He was a victim. He was victimized by her eternal beauty and the things she did to him. And it was then that he realized that he wasn't the predator. She was.

She slunk into his club that night, even in that primitive looking dress and still she made his knees buckle. She slid out of her outer layers, pushing him away lightly. He couldn't help but stop as with grace and poise, she rid herself of her garments like this wasn't the first time.

Chuck couldn't help his insecurities as he thought maybe he wouldn't be her first. It wasn't like he had the right but he couldn't shake the feeling that maybe it was. He was the one to breach that sacred ground and he was going to do it.

"Chuck," she whispered as she slid closer to him. He tried to get his fingers to work for him but her lips were making it impossible. Her hand slid up his thigh and he clenched, unsure what the protocol for this was.

"Blair," he finally murmured, making it sound as suave as possible. He felt her smile sweetly against him and he couldn't help but think it.

_Looks like an angel. Talks like an angel. But the devil in disguise._

Because she was truly evil for trying to tempt him like this. He was most susceptible to sin and even more susceptible to her. And he shuddered when he realized it. This wasn't the first time. Or last. She would always turn him onto her.

"Is this good?" she asked and he was sure he misheard the vulnerability in her voice.

"It's good," he assured her, unable to say anything else. "This is very good."

_I wanna turn you on  
Feels like a loaded gun  
Spit out your bubble gum  
I wanna, wanna_

Blair knew he was the devil. And she finally realized as he peeled back her layers with practiced hand, that she was really doing herself in with this. She wasn't an angel, no matter what teachers said and everyone else in society (besides her mother.) And she was tired of pretending to be something that she just wasn't.

So she didn't.

Because she knew what he was doing. His dark eyes enveloped hers and as they sank together, Blair knew he had corrupted her. It wasn't even tonight when she danced for someone she was sure couldn't respond or as her virginity flowed away from her with his quickened breaths. He had corrupted her the first time they had met, even if they were only four.

It was hard resisting him. She wouldn't do it anymore. Because she wasn't some sort of angel. She was like him. She had a darkness to her that just felt good as he swept her hair from her face.

She didn't think it would be like this.

She didn't realize he was doing this on purpose. Because something was happening to her that had never happened before. There was an inferno licking at her insides and she cried out before anything had even happened. She didn't know the meaning of passion. She didn't know what this was but she didn't want it to stop.

He was touching her and she knew it. This entire time, he was trying to corrupt her on purpose. In a split second decision, she knew she would let him.

She knew she wanted it as much as he did, judging by the sounds he was making.

"Chuck," she said, before she knew what she was doing. She heard him husk her name in a voice that made her skin rise. She didn't know if she was doing anything right. But she knew what she wanted.

"Chuck," she said again, still unsure. He murmured in her ear. "I want..."

"What?" he asked. "Just say it. What do you want? I'll give it to you."

So she asked for what she wanted in words that she didn't understand and he gave it to her. Again, he gave it to her.

_I wanna I wanna  
I wanna I wanna  
Cum _

Other women were simple to him. Like gum that had lost its flavor he spit them out without a seconds notice. He had read the Glass Menagerie (no matter how much he hated it.) He knew what symbolism was. But he walked and he knew where he was meant to end up.

He walked into that party that night, recently 25 and having a plan. Because there she was. She nonchalantly lounged across the chaise amongst a throng of admirers. He long dark hair curled prettily down her shoulders, her pale legs crossed.

"Move," he said simply and they parted. Her dark eyes rose to his and with a simple flick of her hand, they were dismissed. It wasn't like they were actual competition. She rose from her seat, and ascended the marble staircase that he knew so well. He followed her obediently, knowing that she wasn't going anywhere.

Her hand hadn't even reached the doorknob before he pressed her against the wall.

"I told you I'd come back for you," he smirked, his hands firmly wrapped around her hips. Like so many years ago.

"I was beginning to wonder what too you so long," she responded.

"Is that what the cloud of disposables was for?" he asked easily. She blinked easily at him and he didn't know what to say. She looked at the ground before he tilted her face to meet his.

"Did you miss me?" she asked vulnerably.

"You have no idea," he confessed, kissing her fiercely. She laughed lightly into his mouth before they both fell into her room. He grabbed at her again, trying to rid her of the hindering garments.

"Is there something you want?" she teased.

"You'll give it to me," he promised, pushing her back. "And I'm going to give you what you want."

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Yeah," he responded. "I'm going to finally make you."


	13. Special K

**A/N**: Yay, more Placebo. Way inspired by the awesome song (obviously, since this is a song fic.) Placebo is way Chair, so enjoy. Just a heads up, I've already written my next chapter to this fic and its also Placebo. I might be going through a phase.

**Summary**: It was his eyes. The dark cat-like eyes that flicked across her body in an apparent come-on was something that made her porcelain skin flush and her blood scream. She didn't know what this feeling was, but she liked it.

**Disclaimer**: Sorry if this seems OOC or "That would never happen." Just deal with it. This is my fanfic so the more dramatic and awesome, the better. Lyrics belongs to Special K by Placebo and characters belong to respective owners. (Who made Chuck and Blair again?)

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* * *

_

_Coming up beyond belief  
On this coronary thief  
_  
It was over. That was the basic train of thought that led her here. Cocaine and even smack were used on the Upper East Side. Basically anything you could get your hands on. Or your money. Cash was currency and currency got you lucidity. She needed to be free.

She had seen him with it. It was only in those bad moments like toppling off of buildings where sneers spoke swears and cut hearts open.

It wasn't anything she had really tried before. She was a Waldorf. Waldorfs weren't socialites and they definitely weren't Serena Van der Woodsens. Serena Van der Woodsens snorted coke and danced on tabletops with Georgina Sparks.

But Serena Van der Woodsens didn't know pain. They didn't know pain like this and they didn't know what it was like to have your heart ripped so fully out of your chest.

So Blair did it. She knew where to find it because he always did. And he taught her everything she needed to know to survive.

And she couldn't survive without him.

So there it was. That white powder in clusters that could be mistaken for coke or speed to those who didn't know any better. But Blair knew.

And she insufflated it.

The world fell away and she was alright. All the pain was gone as she felt herself start to detach from her body. Dimensions spun out of proportion and she couldn't remember what her own name was, let alone how much Chuck Bass had the capacity to destroy her.

_More than just a white motif  
More chaotic, no relief  
_

He didn't snap out of the reverie he had been in for only 58 minutes. It hadn't been that long at all, but it felt longer. He was sure he wasn't about to overdose. Eric just overreacted when it came to that sort of thing.

They couldn't see him. See what was happening to him. That was the point. He needed the relief. And he had it, even if it was only for an hour. Even if the new dimensions and colors he saw were fleeting.

Like her.

Slowly, he became aware of his surroundings. Everything was sterile and painful to look at. It was too clean and pure. The glaring lights hurt his eyes. He groaned, trying to shy away from the pain. The pain in his eyes, the pain in his chest.

"Chuck?" he heard a young and urgently concerned voice.

"Chuck," he murmured to himself, unsure if he heard that word before or not.

"It will be awhile," stated an authoritative voice. "He probably doesn't know he even has a body. He won't recognize his own name at first."

"Will he be alright?"

He squinted at the short man with dark hair, slightly highlighted. He felt as though he should know him.

"Short term?" the person in even a whiter lab coat asked. "He should recover. But if this Ketamine habit is an addiction, he could very well be bargaining for his life."

Chuck pinched the bridge of his nose and it finally came rushing back. He could remember his name and where he was and the brother that cared too much about a lost cause.

He remembered the reason he was railing in the first place.

"Blair."

"Chuck?" Eric asked in tense relief.

Chuck opened his dark eyes, slowly taking in his surroundings. This wasn't helping. It wasn't soothing his ache. It was just making it more chaotic.

_I'll describe the way I feel  
Weeping wounds that never heal  
_

Blair fidgeted under the scrutiny of the psychiatrist. Doctor's orders but then again, this wasn't the first time she was ordered to see a shrink.

"So, Blair," he started. His voice was cold and cut and in no way gave her the impression that she was in a safe space. She knew what these doctors were paid for. And it wasn't to give her rehabilitation.

"Why don't what we start with what drove you to use Ketamine?"

"Ketamine," Blair murmured.

"I believe the street term for it is, among many things-"

"You think I don't know what I did to end up here?" Blair asked skeptically. "I remember. We just don't usually call it that."

"We," the doctor stated. "So you use it recreationally with your friends."

"You say it like I'm a drug addict," Blair sneered. "This was a one time thing."

"Because..."

"I won't do it again," Blair stated firmly. She didn't want to talk about this.

"Well I'm here to make sure of that," the doctor assured her. "But if you plan to stop then we need to find the root of the problem."

She knew the root of the problem and it was her.

"Fine. We'll go with an easier one," the doctor amended. "Who supplied it to you?"

"It's not like I have a dealer," Blair replied. "That's more of Chuck's deal."

She promised himself she wouldn't do this. She was sure she wasn't selling him out. They wouldn't arrest him. But Jesse was Chuck's dealer and not hers.

"Chuck," the doctor stated.

Blair scowled fiercely. She knew they were briefed on her. They knew exactly who Chuck was and his part in this.

"I've reviewed your file," the doctor said. "You don't seem the type to do something like this."

"It was just in his stuff and I found it," Blair said. "That's it."

"Who?"

She hated the coy game. Doctors infuriated her like no other.

All except one.

"Chuck," Blair finally relented. "My boyfriend."

"You mean your ex-boyfriend."

Blair scowled again.

She really hated doctors.

They thought they knew everything.

_Can the savior be for real  
Or are you just my seventh seal?_

Seven times. Seven times he was ripped from her, smashing her into pieces. Sometimes she figured it was seven times too many. Because it wasn't him and it wasn't her. It wasn't either of them. It had to be fate that kept keeping them apart. Because someone couldn't go through their heart breaking this many times and still survive.

But it was the fact that she couldn't survive without him. And that was the reason he kept coming back to her.

And she kept letting him.

Her bathroom door closed deftly behind her as she caught his reflection behind her. Her breath hitched in her throat and for the first time, she could breathe again.

It was then that she realized it was six times. It was only six times that they had splintered just to reform into something stronger.

This was the seventh time he had come back.

Yeah, that was it.

"You're really stupid," he said. "You know that?"

"Likewise, Bass," Blair said, unmoved. "You think I don't know, don't you?"

She watched him purse his lips. They were both fully aware of what the other had done. Blair returned her eyes to her own reflection. She inspected her nostrils, wondering if they were going to turn red. Chuck's seemed fine.

"You're a hypocrite," she said, finally turning to face him for real.

"And I don't suppose you're one," he returned, nearing her, his loafers clicking on her tile. "Because you're going to turn me away for what I've done."

"Then why do you bother coming if you know everything?" Blair asked, half teasing.

"You know I love a challenge," he returned.

"That's not it," she told him. He lowered his eyes only to raise them to her face again. "Are you hear to save me again?"

"Always," he promised.

_No hesitation, no delay  
You come on just like Special K  
Just like I swallowed half my stash  
I never ever want to crash_

The only thing Chuck had ever done that even came close to describing what being with Blair Waldorf was Special K. It wasn't something he did often. He knew how drugs like that fucked you up. Even coke he only used from time to time. Weed was his recreational drug.

Special K was exactly that.

Special.

And so was she.

He couldn't exactly remember the moment when he realized he only wanted her forever. That may have had something to do with the possibility that he was high at the time.

But that wasn't it.

No, it was just easy to recognize. It was only after about break two or three did it crash over him. And he knew what to compare it to.

He was 19 and he wanted her forever. He had assumed its existence before but this was different. He looked at her and he thought for sure she was a hallucination. He thought she was just another one of his hallucinations.

She looked as black as his soul and he wanted to lap her up until they were nothing left but his swollen tongue.

So that's what he did.

In the middle of that society event, without hesitation, he strode towards her, took her in his arms, and kissed her with as much fervor as he could muster. For a moment, he was sure she would knee him. But once again, she took him by surprise by taking his face in her hands and making their tongues do battle.

It was on the society pages for weeks.

Her mother was furious.

Her father immediately gave him permission for her hand.

They were only 19 but he didn't care. He knew this was the only woman for him.

He inhaled her through his nasal passage and made him spiral into oblivion.

They burst through the door of his suite as they tore at each other's clothing, insufflating each other as much as they could. He felt a sort of euphoria that he was sure wasn't even possible. It was like he had inhaled all his recreational drugs he had in his possession in one euphoric night that made him fly.

He couldn't remember when they had finally stopped devouring each other but it was well into the hours of the morning. His body and mind were buzzing and he knew this was it. He had to ride this high forever. He had to ride her forever._  
_

_No hesitation, no delay  
You come on just like Special K  
Now you're back with dope demand  
I'm on sinking sand_

He was angry with her. It wasn't the sort of anger that was full of angst in tragedy. He was furious with her for almost ending her life. She knew she wasn't completely aware of the protocol for drug taking, but she was sure she wasn't close to an overdose. She felt too good. It almost rivaled the feeling she had whenever she was with him. Whenever he entered her with his passion and blood.

He slammed the bathroom door behind them, shoving her into the bedroom. Her bedroom that had just become theirs again. He took her roughly by the back of her neck, crushing his mouth again. Her throat was inflamed but she felt it coursing through her.

He had to punish her. He had to punish her for almost leaving him.

"You're a hypocrite," she reminded him as he kissed off all of her lipstick. "You almost left me forever, remember?"

She liked the image of the evidence of her lips smudged all over his pristine collar. He didn't like the white sterility of it. He ripped off his tie, tearing away his shirt with it.

"I would never," he promised.

"You have," she reminded him again as he mounted the bed with her in synchronization that only they possessed with each other.

"I would never," he said again.

And he was thrumming inside of her again. She knew what was happening. She knew those fleeting angry moments with him. She knew when he betrayed her or she lied to him that heat of anger that flared through her. She hated him and she would hate him forever.

But even seconds later, she knew it wasn't true. She would want to protect her heart and never fall in his traps again but it was impossible to avoid. They were impossible to avoid. She felt herself sinking into something that she was never able to stop but as his harsh breath came out in sharp bursts from his chest, she couldn't find the will in herself to care.

He was sliding all over her again and she just didn't care about anything else but getting that rush again. It was like the rush through her nose but it was the rush through her soul.

She didn't delay his reactions as his guttural groans wisped her hair from her face. She remembered what this was like. She remembered what the high was like._  
_

_Gravity  
No escaping gravity  
Gravity  
No escaping... not for free_

Her breathy moans sighed at octaves that didn't make him remember going that high. He let out a breath of laughter at the pure passion ignited in his bones. Her nimble fingers gripped the back of his hair and he had that feeling again.

It wasn't that feeling of fight or flight. It wasn't the need to protect his reputation or holding onto his youth as long as possible. It was that feeling of gravity.

Because that's what he and Blair were. Like an enamorous black hole, she sucked him in and whirled him to places he never thought possible. He never stood a chance against her.

They never stood a chance.

It was fate. It was right. She was the core and she pulled him down. There was no fighting it. Resulting from her shudders, he knew he could never want to. It was the gravity that he would always succumb to.

Her love wasn't free. It cost him. But the only fate worse would be one where she wasn't in it.

"Are you angry with me?" she asked in that innocent while seductive tone that only she could pull off. He knew that she was worried at his silence. He couldn't help his sardonic chuckle. She was so perfect.

"Never," he promised._  
_

_I fall down  
__Hit the ground  
Make a heavy sound  
Every time you seem to come around_

She had an unfair advantage. It always seemed that way. It was unfair how unmoved she was in his presence while he remained breathless for her next move. He hated her for it. But he had no idea that some uptight princess could rival the narcotic effects of his extra curricular activities.

So she stepped off that bus and he couldn't help but think what it would have been if he had known she was coming. If it was his limo that took her from the airport and she didn't have some cardboard figure hanging off of her like an accessory meant to incur his jealousy.

Well, it worked, but that wasn't the point.

He would put on a brave face but it was three months without her and it was three months too long. He couldn't remember what made him so stupid but whatever it was, he was considering giving it back to Nathaniel where he obviously picked it up.

She was tanner. Her remembered how he loved to lick up her porcelain skin but even more so, he needed to rip off those silk garments and humiliate that boy toy.

It didn't stop there.

She loved taunting him.

She flounced around in those green print skirts that seemed so conservative while she would strut in front of his face in skin tight white dresses that barely covered the back of her thighs. He knew she dressed for him and it wasn't fair. It wasn't him that would be peeling off that flimsy excuse for outerwear.

But at least it wouldn't be that faux-Brit either. He could tell. Blair Waldorf had a type and that type was Chuck Bass.

His heart bottomed out for eight months as he had to watch her be so close yet so far.

And then it happened.

Like she knew what he was thinking her sultry voice beckoned him to the corners of dark parties and she did what she always did to knock down his defenses.

She stripped.

She stripped away her qualms and insecurities for him and for him only. She shrugged out of her jacket and soon her dress was in a pool around her ankles. His hands grasped at her hips and he lost all of his breath.

He didn't care what she had done.

He wanted to hate her and did, but the hate only magnified his lust into hate-lust and that black lingerie had to come off because he knew she picked it out specifically for him.

And have her he would.

_I'll describe the way I feel  
You're my new Achilles heel  
Can this savior be for real  
Or are you just my seventh seal?_

It happened in an instant. He was sure that things were one way but all of a sudden she was looking in a way he was sure he had never seen her give him and then her slick and tight body was smothering his.

He felt like he needed her like oxygen. He couldn't understand it. Women didn't affect him like this and girls especially didn't affect him like this. But he was affected and all of a sudden he found that he was hurt by her.

He never thought he would experience the moment where some prissy girl would tear his heart out and stomp all over it with her expensive Blahniks. That was the moment when he realized that he was in love with Blair Waldorf.

It wasn't out in front of the limo and it wasn't after his father's funeral. He knew even before she did and it killed him every time he saw her. He watched her cavort with his best friend and dance around him while making Georgina Sparks suffer.

He died when he thought he had ruined things forever just to see her come back to throw some pristine male model in his face. Girls weren't supposed to do that and girls like Blair Waldorf were definitely not supposed to do it to the likes of Chuck Bass.

He had to push her away. His own father was in the ground next to his rotting mother and there was one fact that was made blatantly clear to him.

Anything he dared to love just ended up six feet under and he refused for that to happen to her. He wouldn't let it. So he pushed her away. He pushed away her love and pretended his didn't exist. He should have known she would have been persistent. Any woman that he dared to love would just be as shrewd and unrelenting as he was.

So she pulled him off the cold tile of his bathroom and cleared away the alcohol. He watched her movements carefully as she cleaned up his life in a whirlwind. Once again. He didn't deserve her. So he refused to have something that wasn't meant for him.

"You're wasting your time, you know," he advised her. She barely threw him a look of disdain before pushing past him in her effort to make him better.

"It's a wasted effort."

"So is you trying to do anything about it," she retorted simply before going back to her task.

It was then that Chuck Bass made a decision. Blair Waldorf wasn't real. Because no one based in reality could ever love a screw-up like him.

_No hesitation, no delay  
You come on just like Special K  
Just like I swallowed half my stash  
I never ever want to crash_

Narcotics were for the Serena's of the world. This was a philosophy she had since a young age. She could never figure as to why women dropped their stockings for him. And even as he slid from their beds in the dead of night as an obvious rejection, they just kept crawling back for more. Just like she didn't understand the thrall of K.

But it all made itself clear in time.

It was his eyes. The dark cat-like eyes that flicked across her body in an apparent come-on was something that made her porcelain skin flush and her blood scream. She didn't know what this feeling was, but she liked it.

She liked it so much that before she knew what she was doing, her virginity was fleeting as of two seconds prior and her stockings lined the floor of his limo. It became so obvious that she was just another one of those girls that had foolhardily fallen for his seductive trap that she fled.

She fled so hard that she had forgotten those stockings and bore blisters from those Blahniks, the latter while she was walking out of the church.

She honestly didn't think he would have followed her. She was just another kill, another conquest to lay and he had many more. But he didn't follow them. He followed her. And as he lazily slid his sun glasses that so matched her own out of the way of those slanting and leering eyes, she felt that rush again.

He made her feel. His siren called for her and once again, she was moving underneath him the following night to a rhythm that she had failed to find with anyone else. No one before and no one after. That was the way it was.

He had ignited something in her that she could never purge herself of. No matter how many times she forced her fingers down her unyielding throat or how many tears she hated that fell as he watched with unforgiving eyes. The very ones that had melted her clothes from her body so long ago.

He had embedded himself in her skin so fiercely that she couldn't pry him free. His nettles stuck beneath her fingernails with pain that became such a constant, she was sure it was meant to be there all along. But it wasn't always pain which made her sure that she couldn't live without him.

So she didn't.

She did things she never thought possible. She lost her virginity and consequently fell in love with the devil with a minuscule heart that shrieked only for her.

And she tore herself away from him. She hated him. She hated him for letting her be all alone. She knew she had to be close to him again. So even as he pulled himself free, letting blood roll down her hands, she opened her nose to something that he was all too familiar with and let her subconscious float to meet him again in dimensions she couldn't name._  
_

_No hesitation, no delay  
You come on just like Special K  
Now you're back with dope demand  
I'm on sinking sand_

It wasn't the first time he left her. That didn't make it hurt any less. That didn't mean the salty depression didn't scald down her face.

That didn't mean she hadn't left him either, however.

There were times when he would just saunter back into her life like it was the easiest thing in the world. As easy as leaving.

But for her, leaving him was the hardest thing she ever had to do. It wasn't like the passion had flamed out of them or that her intense love for him had just dissipated. That was what made it harder. It broke her apart to leave him with those calculating eyes and intuitive touch. But it was just something she had to do.

The way he left her was different. He would just turn his back on her and he was gone like he didn't have a care in the world. He would slide out of the bed his cologne (a la scotch) still clung to with nothing but a pathetic three lined note.

Leaving her seemed too easy for him. But for the seventh time, he walked back into her life with a flickering smirk after his approach and she hated him for it. She hated how easy it was for him. She hated how easy it was for him to break her.

Then his fingers wound themselves in her hair, crushing her mouth against his as he demanded her body to be submissive to him again.

She stomped on his foot.

He grimaced but grinned with that heartbreaking grin that she realized she missed.

"I've missed you, lover," he confessed.

"Didn't seem like it to me," she quipped.

"Really?" he asked dangerously. Her suddenly grabbed her hand it forced it to where he could demonstrate how much he had really missed her. "Do you believe me now?"

"Break me again," she whispered as he pulled her into him again. "I dare you."

"Never," he promised. "I would never."

"You couldn't possibly have missed me the way I missed you," she confided.

"Impossible," he said. "There was nothing harder I had to do than be away from you."

And she believed him. Like she always did. It was no surprise. Maybe she was sinking back into his trap but she couldn't find the will to care as their bodies bent together. The rush trilled in her chest and she knew leaving just wasn't an option anymore._  
__  
Gravity  
__No escaping gravity  
Gravity  
No escaping... not for free_

His tendrils wrapped around her throat, constricting until she relented her love.

"I love you," she whispered, not sure if he could even hear her above to sounds of their bodies. But he stilled his movements, if only for momentarily to administer a rough and desperate kiss.

Maybe he really had missed her.

She had fallen into bed with him again, neglecting her heart so it was tempted to break. But it wasn't anything she could help. She didn't really think that she ever could. It was under the illusion of pride and lust that she thought she had a choice. But it was becoming clearer and clearer to her as they kept hurting each other that she never really did.

Otherwise they both would have gotten wise by now. By now, they would have cut their losses and moved on to people who really did love them. The fact was, however, it would have been pointless. Because no one could love him the way she could. She was certain of this. And she knew that no one could make her feel the way he did.

So she let it happen.

She let him walk in and out of her life with such ease that she knew it was destiny. She didn't want to rid herself of him. The heat of their passion may have convinced her time and time again that there was a possibility of betrayal or loath, but the truth was that it just accentuated their feelings for each other.

With a simple look he could leave her quivering, only to satisfy her months late when all others had tried but failed miserably. He would send her that striking look of smugness telling her that he was aware of the exact same thing that she was. There was no one for each other but the other.

And it was costly. She knew she had done a lot of bad things in her life and maybe that was what earned her the love of Chuck Bass. Maybe that was why the only man she could ever truly love was the devil himself who would hurt her time and time again. But she would punch him right back and they would be on even ground again.

So she didn't care. She didn't care because being with him was something she could never give up.

"Waldorf," he groaned down at her admirably. "I love you."_  
_

_I fall down... hit the ground  
Make a heavy sound  
Every time you seem to come around_

It was his entrance back into her life that made her aware of what she was meant for. Pain and suffering, maybe. But also something she couldn't name and was sure the English language didn't even have a word for.

He trailed lazily through her apartment. His long fingers trailed across the desk, being coated slightly with white.

"And what would give you such a stupid idea," he stated, "as you go and hurt yourself like this?"

"I suppose it would be a stupid person who gave me that stupid idea," Blair parried easily. Chuck narrowed his eyes at the offensive substance which had torn them apart yet had put them back together just ask easily. As easy and as right as they were together. Even when it didn't seem so some of the time.

"I wouldn't have thought you would be foolish enough to follow my faulty example," he answered, nearing her dangerously.

"And how else would I have gotten you back to me?" Blair asked tauntingly.

"You could have asked nicely," he taunted back.

"The thought never would have occurred to me."

"Don't be stupid again," he warned her.

"Why?" Blair asked. "You're already gone."

"You know better, princess," he said. "Especially judging from last night. I'm not going anywhere."

"And what if I want you to?" Blair asked defensively. It was the only way she knew how.

"Even if that were true," he said, "it would only be a matter of time before you crawled back into my bed."

"Don't get put in the hospital again," Blair said. "I almost had a heart attack."

"Likewise," he warned.

And she fell for him once again.

It wasn't like he didn't either.

_No escaping gravity  
No escaping gravity  
No escaping gravity  
No escaping gravity_

They weren't stupid. Addiction doesn't just go away like that. So he would watch her with his measured looks and she would taunt him with knowing glances. Their language was a silent one that only they knew the key to. But it didn't matter.

Even as white crystallized powder would grace their apartment from time to time, it would just be a reminder, like the gravity of their relationship.

They wouldn't escape each other.

Never.

"Don't ever leave me," he said, white always in the back of his mind. She knew he was talking not about her footsteps but about narcotics that clung to her brain. The same narcotic that clung to his.

"Just remember what you just said," was her answer, knowing the white that haunted her would always haunt him as well.

"Don't think you can get rid of me," he said. "I'll just follow right behind you."

Just like gravity.

* * *

A/N: Obviously, there is drug content in this. And what the drug looks like and effects were all looked up on Wiki because I'm that cool.

Disclaimer: Drug references and nothing belongs to me. Lyrics belong to Placebo's "Special K."


	14. Kitty Litter

A/N: I know what this looks like. I yes, I have a problem. But Placebo has such good Chairs songs I just can't help myself. Circa future season Four because I can't stop doing them. I actually don't even knwow if I want to submit this anymore so I'm just doing it without editing.

Summary:

Disclaimer: Lyrics come from "Kitty Litter" by Placebo. And I know that some don't read the lyrics, so if it helps, listen to the son because this is basically Chuck's inner monologue (I like to pretend.)

_

* * *

_

_The way you're dancing makes me come alive  
Makes me shiver and perspire  
Your surreptitious glancing, the way you crack a smile  
You really start a fire_

Only in the presence of one person had he ever felt alive. He wasn't really sure what it was but when that girl would step out of a green dress on a stage or climb all over him in the back of his limo, something chemical happened. Something he had never felt before in his life.

Something he didn't even feel with his current girlfriend.

Chuck paled as he watched Blair in the middle of the club. She wasn't supposed to be there that night. Then again, she always graced him with her presence at the most inopportune moments. She made him weak. She didn't know it, but being around her since the summer was very difficult. He felt the scar start to itch at his back on comfortably. It did that when she was around like something was trying to tell him something.

Well he already knew. He was shot because of her. And it was worth it. He would do it again and again.

He watched Blair and his sister down martinis and he felt the irresistible urge to run. She could always see right through him and he was surprised that she hadn't yet.

But it was only a matter of time.

He should have left. He was in a relationship and it wasn't right to be stalking his ex-girlfriend.

Even if that was exactly what he was doing.

Dancing was always his weakness.

The first time he touched her she danced for him. She walked onto his stage and ripped her dress right off before she ripped off her slip in the back of his limo.

He shouldn't have stayed. But in the middle of the throng with the pounding bass of the club, he couldn't look away.

His skin began to flush as his heart fluttered. He forced himself to look away. Even after months in a Czech hospital while hunting for a responsible girlfriend couldn't cure the affliction that was Blair Waldorf.

Maybe he should have left. Maybe he should have remained faithful to his girlfriend. At least physically.

Instead, he got a drink.

"Scotch," he ordered over the music of the club. "Single ice cube."

"I guess getting shot doesn't change a man's taste in single malt," came her histrionic voice. Chuck flinched, forcing himself to get into character.

He was now Charles Bass, Decent Human Being.

"Lots of respectable people drink scotch," Chuck said diplomatically.

"That's what you are now, aren't you?" Blair asked softly. He expected to hear and see the usual venom that he had been greeted with since he returned. Especially after she found him with a girlfriend and a new personality. When he looked at her finally, however, he saw something different altogether.

Blair slid from the stool and he looked at her back as she walked in the other direction. In a second her hair flipped form her shoulder as she looked back at him with the most surreptitious smile he had ever seen and his heart bottomed out.

He saw the coy and genuineness in her face that he couldn't remember seeing since she returned with peonies and a forgiving kiss.

He stared after her, hearing something above the raucous music of the club.

Her siren's song called to him and it was all he could do but follow her.

_So move closer- I wanna to feel your touch  
So come over- come on!_

He stalked her easily through the club. If it was one talent that he had, it was the ability to flawlessly and covertly follow Blair Waldorf. He had been doing it since he was 16. To his surprise, she didn't exit the club but went into the secluded back room. Chuck only refrained for a fraction of a second before he felt his remorse dissipate. The way it was supposed to. The way he couldn't bother to hide from the world and she accepted it because it was just like her.

He opened the heavy door to find her perched on the table at the other side of the room.

Waiting for him.

"Hello, lover."

And he knew he had just walked into a trap. But no matter how changed he tried to convince her that he was reformed, he couldn't just turn and walk away. No matter what, there was no walking away from her.

He inclined his head politely. "How are you?"

She rolled her eyes in what appeared to be disgust.

"Come here," she coaxed and he hated himself. Because she was a seductress and it was totally working.

Bitch.

But he didn't have thoughts like those anymore. And he especially didn't have fantasy with her sprawled all over his desk in his office.

Because he was changed.

And she had to believe that.

"I'd rather not," he said though his body was screaming for the opposite. His body was reacting to her simple dress in a way he hadn't felt since she walked back into his life and he almost gave her a ring.

He would give it to her right now if he thought it would make a difference. If he had it on him.

"Afraid I'm going to bite?" she teased. She crossed her leg over the other, her skirt riding up her perfect thighs. She smirked covertly in satisfaction as his eyes dipped.

He cursed himself silently, knowing this isn't what Charles would do. Charles was a gentleman. Charles had a girlfriend. Chuck, however, wanted to screw her up against that wall.

It was the biggest mistake because Chuck had roused within him and he approached her like the true predator he was. He put his hands boldly on her thighs, placing himself between his legs before whispering in her ear.

"I would prefer it."

He heard her breath hitch in her throat as her eyes widened. He took this as an opportunity and without Charles thinking, Chuck took over with the woman that belonged to him and kissed her roughly on the mouth.

He pulled away with satisfaction.

He suddenly realized something was off. He leaned again against his better judgment and she turned her cheek to his lips. He pulled away, anger he hadn't felt since that bullet penetrated his back coursed through him.

"I knew it," she whispered. He jerked his hands from her thighs as though they were scalding. She slid gracefully from the table the way she always was.

"Blair," Chuck said, realizing the damage he had just done with his impulsive actions whenever it came to them.

"I'm sorry, Chuck," Blair said, the first time she had said that name since before he left. Her tone taunted him with mockery. "But I can't do this. You have a girlfriend. But I guess you're not as changed as you thought."

He glared at that tone. She walked passed him before shooting him one statement.

"I knew you were in there somewhere."

And she left him behind.

She let the heavy door close behind her before she was accosted by Serena.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"Elaboration?" Blair asked innocently.

"Don't pull that act with me," Serena scoffed. "I've known you practically since birth. The same as Chuck. And I just saw him follow you in that room."

"Don't you mean Charles?" Blair taunted.

"What did you do, Blair?" Serena asked.

"If you think I'm just going to watch some stranger in the form of my ex-boyfriend, you are sadly mistaken," Blair seethed. "He might as well have died in that alley. It doesn't matter if Chuck never loves me again. What's worse that Charles is walking around like none of it mattered. At least Chuck would be the vindictive and manipulative friend that I had. And I'm going to save my friend, even if he never loves me again. I will not watch Chuck just wither like that. I won't do it."

The problem was, Serena knew that Charles was just a facade. He had to be. Because she was right. Charles wouldn't love Blair liked that. Only Chuck would.

And the look in those slanting and sly eyes was definitely love.

At least when he thought no one was looking.

_Love of mine, this fortress in our hearts feels much weaker now we're apart  
Love of mine, this fortress in our hearts comes crashing down_

As his back hit the concrete of the Czech alley, there was only one thing that came to mind. It was the same thing that he had been plagued with since he reached Europe which he attempted to drown in alcohol.

Maybe if he was coherent, he wouldn't have fought. But as he felt as though he were drowning in a pool of his own blood, there didn't seem like anything that could truly part him with it. There was nothing that could part him from her. Not even death.

He heard the fast retreat of Czech muggers and all he could think of was even though he was potentially dying where no one would ever find him, at least a diamond ring would have been a consolation. If he felt that box press against his chest as he wheezed uncomfortably, at least he would have some part of her as he faded away.

But all he could see was her face tracked with too familiar tears that he had seen too many times and he had caused just too much.

She deserved better than him.

Maybe now she could get it.

_I need a change of skin  
I need a change_

Chuck's eyes snapped open with shock as he took in a deep breath of air. He distantly heard the erratic beeping of the monitor beside his bed and he knew he was in a hospital.

Obviously.

There was a flurry of motion around him as he hazily took in the room and one thing made it blatantly apparent.

He was not in America.

Things were being shouted around him in a foreign language and his insides curled with the disgust. It was the same language he heard as a bullet entered his back and all he could think of was her distressed face.

He realized he was being addressed and he just shook his head with confusion. The sedative drugs coursing through his system was not a help either as he laid back on his bed, losing consciousness again.

"Is there anyone you like to call?"

Chuck turned his head towards the thick accent, relieved however that he could finally understand after a week in the decrepit hospital.

"No," Chuck whispered hoarsely, not even wanting to think the consequences of his actions. Maybe he could call her. And then she could be by his side.

But it would be out of pity and that was one thing he could not handle more than anything.

"What's your name?" the nurse asked. Chuck almost said it. The same thing he said right before he collapsed.

_I'm Chuck Bass._

And then something occurred to him. What had being Chuck Bass ever done for him? What would it ever do for him? She detested Chuck Bass. Chuck Bass disgusted her. So when something else occurred to him, he ran with it.

"Charles," he said simply.

Blair deserved someone good and responsible.

So that is what he would give her.

_The way you're moving, hips from side to side  
Makes you all that I desire  
Bathsheba of my choosing, I'm so unsatisfied  
And you've got what I require!_

Chuck slammed the door behind him. He hoped he woke her up. He told her that he was just going out for a drink when in fact he let himself be felt up by his ex-girlfriend. And as much that he would have welcomed that in the past, he was in a committed relationship now. As she reminded him after he tried to force himself on her.

Usually she would have welcomed it as well.

But as he walked towards the bedroom, not caring how loud his shoes were, all he could think of was that girl who still captured his attention, even after this much time. After this much time, after he touched her more times than he had touched any other woman, he still desired her more than anything. He watched her dance from the corner of the club with his sister. He watched her after she rejected him from his advances that should never have happened and he knew he had been played.

And he still wanted her more than anything.

Her subtle movements were so subtle and only he knew the true seduction of it. No one but him knew the true side of Blair Waldorf. That was the point. It was always about her. He had to prove that he was good enough for her. He had to prove to her that he could be responsible and faithful. While that was sound logic when he was drugged out on medication in Prague and even now as he was going to attempt to proposition his current girlfriend, something told him that was not to last.

"Charles?" her heavily accented French asked. He didn't answer but just pushed her down on the bed.

It didn't work. Even after as he lay on his back and she curled at his side, he felt nothing but disgust for himself. Maybe he was changing. But Blair couldn't see that. Now all Blair saw was the weak man who broke whenever a pretty girl spread her legs for him.

He always considered himself the predator. That was how he manipulated every girl in his field of vision to drop their dresses for him. Even when it came to Blair, the guilt he felt was due to the fact that he was just a predator and had taken advantage of her.

Her actions that night were confusing. He didn't know what she was trying to do. She lured him in and rejected him. Maybe she was just trying to hurt him like he had hurt her. It made sense. That was exactly the Waldorf MO.

But she had said something to him and he was starting to think that she still cared about him.

He got up from the girl that meant so little him and one thing was very clear.

He was so very unsatisfied. What had happened in that bedroom didn't even compare. Like the rare times when he and his girlfriend coupled, it couldn't even attempt to compare. None of the others compared.

Blair had what he required.

And he just couldn't get it.

_So move closer- I gotta feel your touch  
So come over- so come on  
So move closer- gotta feel your touch  
So come over- come on!_

Sometimes, he truly wondered if she noticed. If she noticed the looks he gave another woman when she wasn't looking. She couldn't be that dense and Chuck wished he wasn't so transparent. Even Cece noticed it. Not that she wasn't a perceptive woman, he just wondered why she would care.

He should have expected that Blair would be there. She was always there. Blair wouldn't be caught dead away from elite events like these. She may have had a cruel streak, but she still reveled in their society.

Chuck froze as he watched her ascend the stairs in her dramatic black. All she seemed to wear lately were her dark colors. Chuck refused to make the comparison like she was in mourning. Because that would mean she still cared and didn't just want to hurt him.

Or he was just flattering himself again.

"Blair?"

Chuck broke out of his reverie. "What?"

He should have recognized the accent.

"Is that Blair?" she asked again. Chuck had never introduced the two. He would admit that and then Serena would give him this knowing look. He would put on that innocent look and pretend to now know what she was talking about.

Because he was Charles now. And he didn't use girls to make the one girl jealous. That was more the way Blair did things. Even if he did use girls to make the one girl see the good in him. It should have occurred to him that it could have been considered cruel to use a girl like that but he couldn't be completely reformed. He couldn't be unselfish when it came to Blair.

It was impossible.

"Yes," Chuck finally choked out, pretending that his breath wasn't taken away to how that dress flattered her subtle curves.

"She is very beautiful," she replied in her perfectly learned English.

"I suppose," Chuck said, forcing himself to look away.

He pushed down the instinct to walk over to her. To touch her. Because he had a girlfriend now. And he couldn't let that up until Blair realized that he could be good enough for her.

He looked over to see the girl by his side staring at him.

"Then I suppose it would be polite of me to go over and speak with her," she said. "She is your ex-girlfriend. To show her there are no hard feelings."

There were definite hard feelings. He just couldn't use it with Blair anymore. He needed to use a substitute.

_Love of mine, this fortress in our hearts feels much weaker now we're apart  
Love of mine, this fortress in our hearts comes crashing down_

Blair cringed as she saw that gorgeous French girl walking her way. This was not how this evening was supposed to go. She was supposed to walk in here with her breathtaking dress, make Chuck realize how much he wanted to screw her and leave.

Her plan was to draw out the beast slowly. In time, she would break him.

"Bonjour."

Blair looked up into the girls face and faked a smile.

"I hear your French is very good."

Nice icebreaker. She had to give Chuck credit. He had briefed the girl on her. What he thought he was doing, she had no idea. But she was going to stop it.

"I can get by," Blair said tersely. She wanted to be as friendly as possible. It wouldn't do her any good to make the girlfriend of her ex think she was trying to seduce him.

"Your father has a vineyard in Lyon?" she asked politely.

"He lives there with his gay lover."

Because clearly, this girl was not getting the hint.

But Blair was suddenly taken aback because the girl smiled.

"You're trying to make me keep my distance from you," she said.

"Why would you say that?" Blair asked.

"I'll tell you a secret," she replied. "We have gay couples in France too."

At that, Blair had to laugh. As much as she hated to admit it, this girl was actually nice. It would have been easier if Chuck had just picked up some blonde bimbo. But that wouldn't have completed his "reformed" cover.

Like she would ever believe that.

"I just wanted to make sure there were no hard feelings between you and I," she finally said.

"Hard feelings?" Blair repeated. God, this girl could run for Miss Universe. She actually wanted to be friends with her. That was slightly nauseating.

"Charles and I are dating," she said. "And I don't want us to have a grudge."

"Charles," Blair repeated. "Right. Well you don't have to worry. I have no qualms with you. You seem to be a perfectly perfect person as people go. But I have to say that if we met on the street, we probably wouldn't be friends."

"Why is that?"

"Because I'm a bitch," Blair sighed. "And you... are just not."

"Serena seems nice," she countered.

"You didn't know the Old Serena," Blair smiled slightly. "And she has her faults too. It's what connects us. But you... you're just...perfect. Why do you think he chose you?"

"What do you mean?"

"He could have anyone in the world. Of course he chose you. You're polite, cultured. An upgrade from me, obviously who is just a vindictive, shallow, and selfish bitch."

"I doesn't seem that way to me," she said. "You're just... honest."

"A nice cover," Blair said. "But stick around. For all you know I'm trying to win back my old boyfriend."

"Well you are going about it very politely."

Blair laughed again. She actually did like this girl. She almost didn't want to continue with what she had planned. But her love for the old Chuck was too strong. And she just couldn't. It was stronger than anything. She had learned that the hard way. So much that she would sell herself. But watching this new person walk around in her old friend's body made her ill. And she wouldn't stand for it any longer.

"If you were trying to take him back," she continued, "I wouldn't think it would be the wisest idea."

"And why is that?" Blair inquired.

"Because he has changed," she replied and Blair tried to restrain herself from rolling her eyes. "I am aware that he has sinned in the past, but doesn't it make you happy that he isn't like that anymore?"

And Blair couldn't hold it in. she had to tell this poor girl the truth. Because as smart as she was, she didn't know that Chuck was still lying to her. She didn't know the darkness that brewed beneath the both of them. It wasn't in her endgame to break them apart. She just wanted the boy she used to know back.

"Actually, I am happy," Blair decided to confess. "I just realized that my ex-boyfriend isn't dead."

"But he was only shot," she said. "He never died."

Blair smiled tightly. "To a certain perspective."

She watched the girl take in this knowledge in.

"It is hard for me, you know," she finally said. "To watch him watch you, knowing that you will always know more about him. Know him so wholly in a way that I can never touch."

"The person you walk around on your arm is a person that I don't know," Blair said. "You have to understand that this Charles person is just a concoction of his. I don't know him. The man I know is Chuck Bass. And he might as well be dead because the person that you walk around with is not him."

"So you are not trying to steal him back."

"You can't steal what's already yours." Blair felt the familiar cruel smirk grace her lips with relief. "If I did, I would be taking back what is rightfully mine. But to tell you the truth, the man I see you with disgusts me. I can't take it. And even if he never took me back again, I would bring back that person I knew in a heart beat. Because Chuck Bass is my friend. And your boyfriend, Charles, is just a stranger."

"How are you so sure that person of which you speak does in fact exist?" she asked curiously. "Maybe he truly has changed."

"Then you have nothing to worry about," Blair said. "Because all I'm trying to do is bring that person back. And you're right. You don't know that person. The person that I love. Because I don't love Charles. I love Chuck. So if you are right, you can just have Charles."

"You're so sure of your convictions," she murmured. "Did you speak to him?"

Blair really didn't want to hurt this girl. She was nice enough. She just didn't know what she had gotten herself into. And she would be hurt more in the long run by what Chuck had done than Blair.

"It's not his fault," Blair said. "He didn't really do anything. It's what I did. But you can't blame him. He is a man after all. And it isn't his fault that he's so weak. Especially when it comes to me."

"He still loves you," she said.

"You can't think of it that way," Blair answered. "I'm sure Charles does love you to an extent. But what Chuck and I have is something that... It's just something else. And three months in France won't change that."

"I cannot tell whether you are manipulating me or telling me the truth."

"A little bit of both," Blair said admittedly. "I told you I was vindictive."

"I don't really know him," she said. "Do I?"

"Like I said," Blair answered. "You know Charles. Better than I do. But I know Chuck. And that's really who's underneath."

"I don't hate you," she said.

"I wasn't really worried," Blair shrugged.

"This... Chuck," she finally said. "Why do you love him so?"

"Because we're the same."

_I need a change of skin  
I need a change  
I need a change, I need a change of skin  
I need a change, I need a change of skin  
I need a change, I need a change of skin  
I need a change, I need a change of skin_

There was a reason he hadn't acquainted them. At first, it was mainly due to the fact that he knew Blair would blow his cover in an instant. And he knew that she would never really mean to. She would be snide and cruel to him and his girlfriend would wonder why. Because Charles would never do anything like sell his beloved to an uncle or sleep with an arch enemy.

Keeping them apart just seemed like a good idea. It wasn't until that same girlfriend was walking towards him did he realize it. Blair would take a liking to this girl. Blair would talk to her as a friend and then this friend would want to help Blair in her endeavors. It wouldn't be manipulation. It wouldn't be Blair pretending to befriend some French girl to get what she wanted. She would understand Blair's pain and want to help. She would understand as much as she could. The damn French always went to the side of love. He should have chose a cold Brit like Blair had two years ago.

Somehow, she always did it better.

So he readied himself for the fallout.

"Chuck," she smiled and he knew it was over.

"What did she tell you?" Chuck asked.

"That she loves you," she answered. "You need to go back to her."

"Why?" Chuck asked. "You're just throwing me to the lions."

She just smiled.

"I'm sorry I used you."

"Maybe you are changing," she said. "At least you're showing remorse."

"What did she tell you?" Chuck asked, more serious this time.

"Just that she knows you," she replied. "And she misses you."

"She hates me."

"Maybe," she answered. "Maybe not."

_Love of mine, this fortress in our hearts feels much weaker now we're apart  
Love of mine, this fortress in our hearts comes crashing down_

Blair could feel him coming. It was a talent she had developed from a small age. She turned as he approached her.

"Chuck," she greeted. She put on a mocking smile before dramatically adding, "I meant, _Charles_."

His heated glance raked up her body and she felt his probing eyes dip to the hem of her skirt. And relief flooded through her.

"Waldorf," he greeted smoothly, leaning nonchalantly against the bar. Her insides were melting and she was falling in love with him all over again. "You look... ravishing."

"As my intention, of course," she replied with her own practiced smoothness. That delectable smirk spread across his features and Blair was sure she was about to lose consciousness and cry all at the same time.

"It's been awhile."

And she knew he was thinking back to the last real time they meant face to face. When _I love you_'s graced their lips that attacked the others until he picked up a velvet box and was shot for it. That was the last real time they were face to face. Blair to Chuck. Like it should be.

"What, oh what to say," he murmured with mocking thoughtfulness. "It's been so long."

His eyes locked to hers and her heart gave a steady thump.

"Oh I know," he finally said. "I do have to wonder your exact words to her."

Blair smirked. "The truth."

And it was suddenly occurring to her that the slow and steady pace she had taken didn't really have to happen. She could have done what Chuck expected her to do and just befriended the girl. She could have done what he had originally done. Played squash and get invited to a rooftop party where she would crush, kill, destroy.

"Well she left me," Chuck said, not ready to tell her the entire truth.

Blair put her hand to her chest with fake sympathy. "I am full of ennui."

"I'm sure," he mused, his eyes straying to her hemline again.

"Well it's not entirely my fault," Blair amended. "You did come on to me."

"It's not my fault you-"

"Seduced you?" Blair blinked prettily.

"If you wanted to hurt me, fine," Chuck said. "But you didn't have to keep taunting me with that pretty little body of yours after."

"Then it wouldn't really be hurting you, would it?" Blair asked. "If I stopped."

But that wasn't what she really wanted to say. She was looking into his eyes again and there was no opaque facade masking his eyes. He really thought that was what she meant to do.

"But that would mean I still cared about you, wouldn't it?" Blair asked.

"What makes you say that?"

"When we care about each other," Blair replied. "It's what we do best. We love each other and we destroy each other's relationships. We've been doing that since we were 17."

"Fine," Chuck rolled his eyes. "You don't care about me. So what were you doing, then?"

"I didn't say I didn't care about you," Blair said. "I just meant that I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"Oh?" Chuck asked.

"You really thought that was all I was trying to do?" Blair asked. "Trying to just hurt you?"

"Why the hell not?" Chuck asked. "You've done it before."

"You're so dense sometimes," Blair seethed.

"Excuse me?"

"I just wanted you back," Blair said. "I couldn't stand seeing this fake version of you walking and talking like none of it ever happened. Like _we _never happened. Because even though I fooled myself into thinking I should move on from you, I never did that. I never wanted to erase you completely. What we had meant to much."

"What we _have_, Waldorf," he said.

And it was her turn to have her world turned on its head.

"...What?" she asked. He was smirking victoriously at her again.

"You really thought this wasn't all about you?" he asked. "I can't even remember a time when it wasn't. So let me tell you something. I was laying on my side, feeling all of the blood leave my body as those muggers ran off like the cowards they were and all I could think of was one thing."

He stopped, staring at her pointedly.

"Oh?" she provoked.

"You, obviously," he answered. "I was dying and all I could think of was you and how I wished I could have deserved you. Been more responsible. Not been so impulsive. I always underestimate how easily I can hurt you."

"You're not making a point," she said dryly.

"I am," Chuck said. "Because that's all she was. I was trying to be better for you. I was trying to make you see that I could be a good person."

"You didn't have to do that," Blair said. "I just wanted you to be you."

"Yeah," he sneered. "And look where that got us."

"That is the most horrible plan I ever heard," she answered. "You thought I would love you more if you had a girlfriend?"

"Yes," he said bluntly. In a way, it made sense.

"I'm still mad at you for almost leaving," Blair said. "If something had really happened on that street... I don't know what I would have done."

"I was trying to be good enough for you," he said again, quieter this time.

"Yeah?" Blair asked. "Then do it."

He watched her walk off in astonishment.

And it suddenly all became so clear.

He should have gone after those muggers in the first place.

But now, they were just dead. He needed that ring back.


	15. Uninvited

**A/N**: So I so didn't mean to do another one of these, but oh well. Anyway, I just heard this song and forgot how awesome it was and this just sort of wrote itself. Its not quite as dramatic and awesomeas the song, but I did my best.

**Summary**: She always felt dirty and delicious and sweet and horrible and wonderful and she needed him exactly like he needed her.

**Disclaimer**: Song "Uninvited" is by Alanis Morisette. Characters and universe are GG.

_

* * *

_

_Like anyone would be  
I am flattered by your fascination with me _

Their dance had started at such an early age that she really couldn't remember what life would be like without it. Now he moved with that fluid grace that he had retained in his early teens. She thought she had lost him for a moment before everything got wholly more complicated.

Now it was truly complicated. She couldn't remember what it was like to not watch Chuck Bass's eyes roam all over her with something that she could never name.

Never.

She had a boyfriend and that devilchild had his tramps and none of it made any sense. Because no one did that. No one looked at her in that manner. Not even Nate. No one looked at her as though she was some mystery that had to be pulled apart and analyzed for its meaning.

Even when he returned to that apathetic and powerful person she remembered loving, it didn't make sense. One moment he was in a whirlwind of an identity crisis and now he was here.

Now he was looking at her.

The way he used to.

She felt like that teenager that would wait in bedrooms with lingerie for him to appear and it wasn't right. The way he was looked at now was with detestation, or for those who truly knew him, tolerance.

Except her.

"I missed you, princess."

"I was standing right here," she reminded him coarsely. He laughed and her skin prickled. He was looking at her and laughing at the same time.

"But I wasn't," he said.

"Must have been nice," she remarked.

"Not really," he answered. "More like confusing. Now more than ever."

"How so?" she asked.

She wished she hadn't because he was looking in that manner again.

"Confusing like I don't know the difference between butterflies and nausea," he said. "New. And confusing."

"Nothing has changed," Blair said. His face reflected understanding that she wasn't just talking about where he had been. Things still couldn't be that easy between them.

"You're right," Chuck answered. "You're still as fascinating as ever. The cool exterior. The fire below."

"Things aren't like they used to be."

"Right," he answered. "But they can be just as simple."

"They're not."

"I feel the same," Chuck said, "the way I also have. And I know you do to."

"I wouldn't bet on that," Blair said.

"We'll see."

_Like any hot-blooded woman  
I have simply wanted an object to crave_

Being resorted to a hormonal teenager was not her finest hour to be sure. All it took was lewd innuendo and his flattery and here she was with him. On the stairwell of the hotel with their tongues down each other's throats.

"I knew it."

His smug ego wasn't as flattering as the way he looked at her. Blair pushed him so hard he almost stumbled down the steps.

"Careful," he mocked. "A bystander would think that you'd want to kill me."

"A bystander can take a hint," Blair snapped.

"I don't know if your powers of recollection have failed you, but you weren't exactly resistant."

Blair busied herself with straightening her outfit, ignoring his presence. He still made that sound of amusement at the back of his throat.

"I guess things haven't changed as much as you thought," he said. "Or rather, you haven't changed. Which I might add, doesn't exactly do anything to turn me off."

"I really don't care what turns you on or off," Blair reacted.

"Really?" he asked. "You don't care if it turns me on that you're still that intriguing 17 year old who still gets hot and bothered over a necklace enough to do it with me on a stranger's bed."

"I don't," Blair answered rigidly.

"Why is it that I don't believe you?"

"Maybe you should," she said. "Maybe you should believe the reason why you got me so _hot and bothered_."

"Because we're perfect."

"Wrong."

"Because you love that I only get that way with you," he answered with self assurance. "The way that I'm with you right now-"

"Well I don't feel the same way," Blair replied coolly.

"You're lying," he said in that dark way he did when he was trying to convince himself.

"You sure?" she asked. "I was a hormonal teenager girl, Bass. I just wanted someone to give me what I needed. You were just there. Nate wasn't."

He smirked. "I am sure."

"What?"

"I am sure that you're lying," he said. "You don't really get it. That being around you turns me into that 16 year old kid that can't reconcile loyalty to his best friend and laying his best friend's girl."

"We broke up."

"It was a good thing, too," Chuck said. "Then maybe Nathaniel never would have forgiven me. Because it's hard to convince myself that my actions would have been any different."

"I don't want to see you anymore, Chuck," Blair said curtly, passing him on the stairwell. He caught her arm on the way down, fastening her to his side so he could whisper that way in her ear.

"If that were true, you would have walked out the second you saw me tonight," he told her. "Instead, you let me drag you to a stairwell during one of your mother's parties."

Blair didn't really have a retort for that as she freed herself from him.

_But you, you're not allowed  
You're uninvited  
An unfortunate slight _

"Where have you been?"

Eleanor's irate tone cut through the din as she felt manicured nails dig into the flesh of her elbow. Blair was pulled to the corner of the party, feeling her mother's wrath radiating off of her in waves.

"I'm sorry I abandoned your party, Mother," Blair said blandly. "I had something more pressing to take care of-"

"Like Chuck Bass?" Eleanor demanded. "I heard he was back in town, though that was unnecessary considering I saw him interlope at this medium."

"Mother," Blair said, "don't pretend like Chuck Bass at your party isn't good publicity."

"Chuck Bass is a lecher," Eleanor retorted. "It's a bad reputation which encourages bad publicity."

"Any publicity is good publicity," Blair said.

"Don't take me for a fool, Blair," Eleanor said.

"I never-"

"You smell like _Armani_," Eleanor said shortly. "Or have you recently been in the habit of wearing men's cologne?"

"Of course not," Blair said in defeat, knowing that her mother was truly the master and there was no getting this past her.

"I will not have him tarnishing my eldest and only daughter's reputation," Eleanor spouted.

"So that's really what this is about?" Blair asked. "My reputation?"

"Don't pretend you're not a Waldorf, darling," Eleanor answered. "You care about it exactly as I do, if not more. So let me ask you this: do you really want to go back to that place?"

"No, Mother," Blair answered sullenly.

"That place where you wouldn't come out of your room for days?" Eleanor asked. "How he resorted you to a pathetic mess-"

"I said I didn't," Blair snapped. And she wasn't even furious with her mother. She was furious with herself because Eleanor spoke nothing but the truth.

"How you allow some nouveau riche man to treat you in such a manner, is beyond me," Eleanor said. "It wasn't how you were brought up."

"Really?" Blair asked. "Because I think I learned exactly from example. Weren't you the woman who let her husband walk all over her, using her as a mask for his orientation?"

"That's enough, Blair," Eleanor cut over her. It was one subject that was never breached in the Waldorf-Rose house. But then again, Eleanor had hurt her first.

"It's just a thing," Blair replied.

"A _thing_?" Eleanor repeated without understanding.

"I don't know why he's here," Blair covered.

"He's here for you, my beautiful daughter," Eleanor said, almost with fondness. She was allowed to be proud of her daughter, even if, in the end, she would never anything serious become of those two.

"Shouldn't you be the one telling me what an honor it is for the richest man in New York to be fascinated with me?" Blair asked.

"So there was some talking going along in that stairwell?" Eleanor asked.

"Not much," she replied.

Blair's spine stiffened immediately, to Eleanor's observation. Her daughter looked covertly over shoulder just to see the man in question finally descending the stairs. As if she hadn't been mortified already by her inability to look away, she watched him adjust himself before locking eyes with her with a suggestive wink.

"Blair."

Blair's attention was reverted back to her mother's solemn face.

"He's not invited."

Blair wished she could look away from him for just one second but he caught her gaze, never looking away.

_Must be strangely exciting  
To watch the stoic squirm  
Must be somewhat hard telling  
To watch them burn me shepherd _

He was an evil genius. Emphasis in evil. Because he just was and she wished it wasn't such an attraction to her. Despite the fact that her mother was greatly inspired to ostracize him, not only from her party but from their community as a whole, he had finagled a seat right across from Blair.

And right next to her mother. It was horrible and humiliating and she was still hating how his eyes just merely looking upon her made her flush.

His lack of contribution to the conversation was not in any way helpful as she struggled to converse with the socialites that her mother had convinced her could give her security, though the constant mantra _Waldorfs are not socialites _was like a constant drum in her head.

Instead, Chuck decided to take a more direct approach.

With her mother right next to him.

"Blair, dear, are you alright?"

Ladies such as the ones from the Colony Club adored Blair with her manners and propriety. If they had only known what she had done in the dark of limos with their tinted windows.

And what she let be done to her.

Blair's knuckles had turned white from her restraint and it was noticed as Chuck tipped back another drink with mirth.

Her mother had noticed both counts with fury.

Blair was just glad that her mother wasn't privy to what was going on under the table.

"Charles," Eleanor said pointedly. "We haven't seen you out an about as of late. I heard you were abroad."

"That's correct," Chuck said, flawlessly conversing with her mother as his ankle toyed with hers under the table. She was just glad that he wasn't next to her. Where he really could do some damage.

"Amsterdam, if I recall correctly?"

"Not as scenic as Tuscany," Chuck eyed Blair, "but greatly... educational. Although the Red Light District is not what it used to be."

There was a communal gasp along the table as Blair shaded her eyes with shame, though she didn't miss the divorcées looking admiringly at Chuck. Rumors that weren't really rumors of his stamina were notorious through the Upper East Side. At least most of the attendants had the decency to look appalled while Eleanor had a look of bitter satisfaction on her face.

"I'm sure there was quite exciting entertainment while you were there," Eleanor said. "The girls here must seem dull and droll to you."

"Ordinarily, I would have to agree with you," Chuck answered. His eyes slid to Blair's again as she felt her soup spoon begin to bend in her hand. "But I find there's always an exception to the rule. If there is one thing I can say about The Upper East Side, it has spades in... fascination."

Blair had to look away, even if it alerted her mother. His foot rose higher and in her haste to jerk away, her knee hit the table, making the silverware clatter.

"Alright there, Waldorf?" Chuck asked gracefully.

"Actually," Eleanor announced, "Blair has just informed me that she has been taken slightly ill."

Blair understood the command laced in the polite sentence.

"Of course," Blair answered, rising to her feet with poise.

"I'll take her."

The phrase "seeing daggers" never made more sense to Blair until that very moment as she watched her mother glare at Chuck's declaration.

"If she's ill, she shouldn't be walking around a hotel alone," he reasoned, rising to his feet, straightening his lapel.

"She would be going home," Eleanor said tersely. "The driver can take her."

"But I happen to conveniently have a suite in this very hotel," he answered. "It would be quicker and more... healthy for her."

Eleanor would not dare cause an argument in the middle of an event, especially of this magnitude and especially with a man of stature like Chuck Bass. No matter how new his money was. She didn't have a choice as Chuck took Blair's arm and led her through the lobby.

"I can think of a few ways you can thank me."

"Thank you?" Blair snorted. "I don't know if you caught my mother's subtlety, but I'm not actually sick."

"Obviously," Chuck answered, "or I wouldn't hazard having sex with you. It's unsanitary."

"Sex?" Blair laughed out loud. "When did this happen and where was I?"

"I'm pretty sure you were being felt up by me under the table," Chuck informed her matter of factly as the reached the elevator that Blair was sure was not the direction her mother had in mind.

"If I didn't make it clear about my animosity towards you, I'm sure my mother did," Blair said.

"Yes, I did catch that," Chuck said, pressing the button for the penthouse. "But you don't have to hide behind her anymore."

"Hiding?" Blair couldn't help but repeat. "She was doing me a favor."

"My favorite part was when she was completely aware of our indiscretion under the table but couldn't do a thing about it, lest she wanted a scandal."

"You're incorrigible."

"You love it."

"I seem to remember the word 'animosity' being thrown around," Blair answered conversationally. It was at Chuck's lack of a response did Blair look over at him to see that familiar look of mischief that she dreaded. Or pretended to. True to his nature, his hand hit the Emergency Stop button and the elevator shuddered to a halt.

"What are you doing?" Blair asked guardedly.

"Why?" he grinned. "Do you want a play-by-play of what I'm going to do to you? Because that can be arranged."

"I'd rather you didn't."

"Your mouth looks very inviting from this angle."

"You are not listening to a word I'm saying," Blair said in frustration.

"Not a word," he agreed. "I only do that when you demand that I take you here and now."

"That's not going to happen," Blair said in distaste.

"You are so righteous in your convictions," he murmured, "almost as though you actually believe them."

"You're starting to sound like a date rapist," Blair said dryly.

"Not just with anyone," he said, leaning her against the wall. "You're special."

"How did I receive just an honor?"

"You enticed me into falling in love with you," he answered instinctively. "A feat which no other woman has been able to accomplish."

"Not that they would want to," Blair said. "I must have been out of my mind..."

"When you asked me to tell you I loved you?" he suggested. "That's when I knew that you loved me back."

"I was insane," Blair remarked.

"I like you that way," he said. "You know, the way you get when I make you squirm. It's so exciting and fulfilling to see you that way."

"Well you're just going to have to get it somewhere else," Blair answered. "Because you're not getting it from me."

She pulled the Emergency Stop before anyone could inquire their whereabouts.

"You are greatly discouraging, Blair Waldorf."

"That was the idea."

"I didn't say that it worked."

_But you you're not allowed  
You're uninvited  
An unfortunate slight _

"I don't know why I'm up here."

"Yes you do," Chuck responded in his grand suite. "You find me unaccountably irresistable and you've come to have your way with me."

"A man can dream," Blair smiled lightly.

"Oh, it's not a dream," Chuck responded, sitting down next to her on his bed which she had found herself on when she really should have taken her mother's advise and gotten driven home. "They're memories. The ones that get me to sleep at night. Knowing that even when you're furious at me, it's just a phase."

"Maybe you're just a phase," Blair grumbled.

"Even you don't believe Eleanor's words that you're regurgitating."

"She knows," Blair said. "Did you have any wonder to how she got so fond of you to attempting to stab you in the back at formal dinners?"

"It didn't cross my mind," he said. "It didn't matter. You think too much, Waldorf."

"You don't think enough," she answered. "You don't consider the consequences."

"Neither do you," he disputed. "If you did, we wouldn't be here right now. You wouldn't have started started this whole thing."

"Oh," Blair sneered. "So this is my fault."

"And I am grateful for it every day."

"She knows what you did," Blair said.

"What I did," Chuck echoed. "Yes, I suppose I have sinned in the past."

"You suppose?" Blair asked. "You don't even feel guilty."

"Since when has that been a trait you've admired?" he asked. "Yes, I feel every ounce of self loathing that my body is allotting for what I've done to you. But what you've done is worse."

"Worse?" Blair asked. "Nothing springs to mind."

"You took me back," he smirked.

_Touch__é_.

That wasn't really anything she could argue with.

The way he looked at her so tenderly was the way she often wished for anyone to look at her. Even her mother.

"You're not supposed to be here," she tried reminding herself. "_I'm_ not supposed to be here."

"Which is why you are here," he said into her ear.

It wasn't her fault that he was so skilled at getting her clothes off.

_Like any uncharted territory  
I must seem greatly intriguing  
You speak of my love like  
You have experienced love like mine before _

Whenever he had her like this (half off the bed—or desk, or couch, or limo seat, or whatever—skirt pulled up tight past her thighs) she always thought of her naïve teenage self that didn't know delving in with the devil actually meant you belonging to the devil.

As he moved with her (and against her and inside her and all the ways imaginable) and she heard those masculine sounds he always made since he was 16, she was sure that no one had ever felt this way for another human being before her. And no one would after.

Their hormones and lust for each other were so like when they were younger that they couldn't even make it all the way onto the bed. Her legs wrapped around his waist, her spine on his sheets, half off the bed, while he knelt on his floor, all that was needed was shoving up her skirt and unbuckling his pants and they could have each other again.

In a way that she wished he didn't know she desperately needed it as much as he did. She sank her nails into his clothed back, but judging by his needy groan, she knew he felt it.

He liked her rough.

He loved her rough.

"I knew it."

"Shut up," she said quickly, clutching the back of his head. "You can gloat later."

"There's my girl."

She turned her cheek to the bedspread as he sank his own teeth into her neck. He knew how much she hated it when he left marks, but when he was in the process of making them, she couldn't exactly remember why.

No one was coming in. No one was cheating. No one was involved with anyone else. This was his place.

No one was coming in.

And yet they were both filled with such sweet dirtiness that they had to have each other. They only ripped away the necessary barriers so they were sweating correctly and physically against each other with sweet temptation.

They were gripping and tearing and wincing at each other with such pleasure as though it wasn't right. As though it were dirty. But it wasn't just tonight because she knew that she always felt like this. She always felt as though she had to have him or she would die. She would merely combust if he wasn't driving himself within her and making her scream with pleasure.

He always liked it when she screamed his name.

She always felt dirty and delicious and sweet and horrible and wonderful and she needed him exactly like he needed her.

Like this was the only way to survive. This was needed for their very existence. And if it felt that way, she knew that it was that way.

Always had been, always would be.

She felt his motions start to cease when she was nowhere near finished. And she knew he wasn't either.

"What..." Blair asked in a daze when she realized that he was feeling for the zipper at her back. "What are you doing?"

"I need to get this off."

Like it wasn't even a choice. He needed her dress off like she needed his suit off. But it just wasn't happening right now.

"No," she said petulantly and he groaned again. "Just finish this."

"Blair," he said, his body flinching at her pleasurable squeezes. "I _need_ to get this off."

And her peak came at a whirlwind of blinding light and beautiful torment and she heard his own as she came down. The very need in his voice made her finish.

"Later," she promised as he moved within her comfortably. The comfort he always had as he nuzzled her neck. "We can do it again."

"Again," he said with satisfaction. "Again is good. Without the clothes."

She pulled herself back so her entire body was on the bed with difficulty, his weight causing a problem. He rolled onto his back, his shirt freed from his unbuttoned pants, his jacket already as discarded as her thigh highs were.

Those were just cumbersome. Even if he did enjoy peeling them off when he was in a more playful mood and not as desperate to feel her after so much time apart. He went to his side to touch her when she sat up.

"My mother's downstairs," she said conversationally, but more to herself.

"Are we really going to talk about your mother right now?" he asked, though warning lacing his tone. She promised him again. And he was going to get an again.

And again.

And again.

Because he knew she liked it. He knew she loved it as much as she loved him. Like he loved those little purring noises she made at the back of her throat when she was close. No one knew her like he did.

She turned to him, her expression somber. "We had sex."

He sat up, his hand riding her skirt back up her thigh. "Yes we did."

"That wasn't supposed to happen."

Now he was getting annoyed because she was acting like there wasn't going to be an again.

There was going to be an again, goddamnit.

And again.

He had been over this. Maybe he had to remind her. He grabbed her arm.

"I'm tired of playing this game," he said harshly. "Just admit that you love me so I don't have to think so much when we're-"

"When we're what?" Blair asked pointedly. "I guess I do put a damper on you pleasuring yourself with me."

"Oh, please," he laughed bitterly. "As though I don't please you more than anyone else ever has or ever could. Just try to deny it."

She glared at him but didn't say anything.

"I can hear it," he uttered darkly, "in your voice. When you're pleasuring yourself with me. You need me, lover. And for the record, it is dampening the mood when I have to worry about you leaving me right when you're done when I should be concentrating on how to make you orgasm the loudest so everyone knows you're with me."

"I must have been fascinating," Blair mused. "When we were younger."

"What are you talking about?" he asked in frustration.

"It's not a secret," she said. "That you never would have been with me without it. Uncharted territory is always fascinating."

"Stop it," he ordered. "Just stop. Stop talking like you were just another girl to me. It wasn't like that and you know it. Even before that we had a connection. And I'm tired of having to tell you this over and over. We're for good, sweetheart. So just stop it."

"The way you talk," she said. "You could have fooled me."

His grip on her arm just tightened and she knew he got a perverse thrill out of marking his territory. But everything about him was perverse. And she hated how that gave her a perverse thrill.

"Like what?"

"Like you have so much more experience than I do."

"I do," he said pointedly, looking at the bodily fluids decorating the hotel room.

"Gross," she said.

"What are you implying?" he asked, knowing that wasn't what he meant.

"Like you've loved like this before."

"That's preposterous," he said passionately. And he was right. Because it was frightening. Frightening to think there was anything but them.

"I have never loved anyone like this before," Blair said. "And I never will."

"Neither will I," he said. "I just know that this is right."

He moved just enough so his torso aligned with hers.

"And so do you."

She had that look about her. That look like it was all an act. That look that he loved.

"I want my again."

"Now?" she asked dubiously. "I thought you would have saved it to use it against me at a later date."

"I want your clothes off now," he ordered, forcing his mouth against her. They worked at each other for several moments before she pulled away to smile deviously at him.

"You first."

_But this is not allowed  
You're uninvited  
An unfortunate slight _

Chuck found himself limping down the stairs for the second time that night, his eyes searching the dance floor for a brunette in a ruined dress.

Blair certainly knew how to leave a man wanting more.

"You weren't invited."

Chuck swung to meet his stepsister's singsong voice and practically growled, "where is she?"

"What's got you all hot and bothered?" Serena asked. Then she took another look at him. "Ew, what's got you all hot and bothered?"

"It seems that you already know, if you're asking," he grinned. "Your best friend is quite the wildcat-"

"Ew, stop right there," Serena held up her hand. "You know the rule. Whatever stays in the bedroom between you two, stays in the bedroom."

"Does she talk to you about me?" Chuck smirked with ego.

"It's too graphic for me to hear," Serena said. "She tried once and my ears started to bleed."

"So you don't want to hear about how she does this thing with her leg, where-"

"Stop," Serena said, childishly covering her ears.

"Where's Blair?" Chuck finally asked, reaching for his pocket in preparation. Serena held his arm.

"Wait," she said, startled, "you're doing that now?"

"If I catch her by surprise enough, I might get what I want."

"It sounds like you got exactly what you wanted in that hotel room," Serena reminded him. "Twice."

"So she does talk to you," he said in satisfaction.

"You realize it's past midnight by now," Serena notified him.

"Perfect."

"Eleanor will never allow it," Serena said as Chuck pressed his way through the crowd. "Couldn't you have done it when you were upstairs?"

"We were otherwise occupied," Chuck replied with his usual drawl.

"I don't know why I keep asking," Serena muttered.

"Neither do I," Chuck said. "Now go away. I don't need any outside council influencing Blair right now."

"You don't really have a choice," Serena said, shying away. "Here comes Eleanor."

"Charles."

Chuck knew his attempt at cordial would come in handy at this point.

But like that was going to happen.

"I thought Blair was upstairs resting."

"If she was really ill," Chuck shrugged. "Which judging by the very satisfied look on her face, I'm guessing is just the opposite. Then again, I don't really have to."

Eleanor's face betrayed fury that was not befitting a society lady.

"Where's Blair?"

"As if I am even going to let her near you now," Eleanor scoffed.

"No matter," Chuck sighed. "She'll find me."

"I highly doubt my daughter's judgment is so faulty..."

Chuck couldn't control drowning out Eleanor because like he had some sort of radar, there she was, looking abashed but beautiful, as she always looked when thoroughly ravished.

Thoroughly.

"Blair, can we-"

"Blair," Eleanor's sharp voice said cuttingly. "I think it's time that we leave."

"Fine," Chuck said, at the end of his rope. "I've been putting this off for far too long. I guess now's as good a time as any."

"What-"

Blair asked, overwhelmed by what was happening.

Her eyes widened gloriously when he pulled out the small box and opened it to reveal the diamond to her.

He ignored Eleanor's aghast expression completely.

_I don't think you unworthy  
I need a moment to deliberate_

She finally found him. It took hours, but she finally found him. Initially, where she should have been looking for him all along, but there he was. Drinking a scotch.

"Old Fashioned."

"My mistake," Blair rolled her eyes, taking a seat beside him.

"What are you doing here, Waldorf?" he asked, adding stress to her last name for a reason that she knew so very clearly.

"Looking for you," Blair said, annoyed that he was treating her in this manner. Typical Bass. Hurt them before they get a chance to hurt you. She really hated him sometimes.

Except when she didn't.

"Can't imagine why."

And she knew he was passed tipsy. He only omitted words like that when he was on the edge of sobriety.

"Oh, I don't know," Blair said. "Maybe because you ditched my mother's party faster than Serena skips town when she thinks she's killed someone."

"What did you expect me to do, Blair?" he asked, finally turning to face her. "You rejected me."

"I did not," Blair contradicted. "I said I needed time to deliberate."

"Deliberate," he repeated. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like."

"It sounds like rejection to me," Chuck retorted. "That's what girls say to guys they don't want who ask them to prom."

"Like you would know," Blair shot back. "I came to tell you something but I guess I'll let you drown yourself in scotch."

"Whiskey," he corrected.

"Whatever," Blair said so loudly after getting down from her stool that several patrons turned to stare at her. He always made her compromise herself. Usually she wouldn't have minded. But now she was mad.

"I don't know why I'm so surprised," Chuck said, stopping her retreat. "As though I've ever been worthy of you."

"I don't think you unworthy," Blair said, putting her hand to his arm. "I told you I needed time."

"For what?" he asked. "You either want something or you don't."

"I want you," Blair said, her voice escalating again. "I've wanted you always. You're just too much of an shameless jerk to understand that I'm trying to tell you I want to marry you, you bastard."

Chuck raised his eyebrows at her. "Eloquent."

"Why do you always have to make everything so difficult?" she laughed.

"Because I'm a shameless jerk."

"I knew that already," she pointed out. He took her hand and led her back to her seat. "So do I get to see it?"

"See what, exactly?" Chuck asked suggestively.

"My ring."

"It's not your anything," he said. "Maybe I don't want to marry you anymore."

"Well I wanted to marry you since I was 18," Blair replied. His hand tightened around hers.

"I think we should take our clothes off."

She laughed and his kissed her hard, right in the middle of some seedy bar.

She kind of liked it.

"I'm serious."

"I know," she said. "It's adorable."

He tried to scoff but she kissed him again.

"So," she said.

"So."

"Do you accept my acceptance of your proposal?"

"I think we both knew the answer to that the second you walked in here."

"I did," Blair said. "You decided to be difficult about it."

"We decided to get married to each other in the middle of a bar."

"At least it has symmetry to it," she said reminiscently.

"All we need is a limo," he said.

"I know you have one," she answered.

"That I do, _Waldorf_."

Like that was going to last for long.


End file.
